Where to begin? Well my partner and I split up. This was...inevitable as ze is leaving at the end of August, but still surprising that it was this soon. In short, the reasoning was that we were too different, and this lead to an inequality in feelings. I had stronger feelings for hir than ze did for me. This apparently broke hir heart.
I can't say it was mutual, I would still have loved hir up until the final day, regardless of how much it hurt. The horribleness I feel now is the same as it would have been then, just fresh, instead of distant.
I was asked if I wanted hir to stay for the night, or go back home. What a cruel choice that was. How can I honestly tell hir to go when I want nothing more than to be held/hold hir. At the same time, how can I honestly spend the night with someone I know is just going to leave the next morning and never stay again. Never hold me, never kiss me, never be intimate with me again. It is just much too cruel to force that on me.
I'm very much still recovering, talking about it breaks my voice, and I cry easily. I think one thing that depresses me, is that I know in time, I simply won't care anymore. It is sad that all of love and cherishment put into this relationship will eventually decay and turn into indifference and apathy. It is a great injustice of the world that something I can love so dearly can mean so little in such little time.
I suppose that means I'm single again, and thus I want to revisit why I ever even bother dating in the first place. It was my stance beforehand that the good is nearly always outweighed by the bad. I don't know if I still believe that, but I'm inclined to.
Lastly, one of the things that was said, was that I didn't love myself. I find this accusation presumptuous, judgmental, and insensitive coming from a cisgender person. It is easy for someone who didn't spend 90% of their life in self loathing and hatred to preach on the wonders and ease of self love, but it has little to no relevance or meaning coming from someone who's inner struggles don't relate to my own. Everyone has their own struggle, but I'd wager most are not as turbulent as those who are transgender. I don't want to preach, so I won't go on about it, but that was something that had bothered me.
All in all, I'm not exactly in a great place. Enough crying and eventually the love will drain out of me.
I can't say it was mutual, I would still have loved hir up until the final day, regardless of how much it hurt. The horribleness I feel now is the same as it would have been then, just fresh, instead of distant.
I was asked if I wanted hir to stay for the night, or go back home. What a cruel choice that was. How can I honestly tell hir to go when I want nothing more than to be held/hold hir. At the same time, how can I honestly spend the night with someone I know is just going to leave the next morning and never stay again. Never hold me, never kiss me, never be intimate with me again. It is just much too cruel to force that on me.
I'm very much still recovering, talking about it breaks my voice, and I cry easily. I think one thing that depresses me, is that I know in time, I simply won't care anymore. It is sad that all of love and cherishment put into this relationship will eventually decay and turn into indifference and apathy. It is a great injustice of the world that something I can love so dearly can mean so little in such little time.
I suppose that means I'm single again, and thus I want to revisit why I ever even bother dating in the first place. It was my stance beforehand that the good is nearly always outweighed by the bad. I don't know if I still believe that, but I'm inclined to.
Lastly, one of the things that was said, was that I didn't love myself. I find this accusation presumptuous, judgmental, and insensitive coming from a cisgender person. It is easy for someone who didn't spend 90% of their life in self loathing and hatred to preach on the wonders and ease of self love, but it has little to no relevance or meaning coming from someone who's inner struggles don't relate to my own. Everyone has their own struggle, but I'd wager most are not as turbulent as those who are transgender. I don't want to preach, so I won't go on about it, but that was something that had bothered me.
All in all, I'm not exactly in a great place. Enough crying and eventually the love will drain out of me.
=( ::hug::
ReplyDeleteIts not to say that ze won't love you anymore and that those feelings will go away completely. It's just different now. The love you two had has now changed to a different form of love, and I'm sure you both will keep the memories which will, perhaps turn the love and cherishment that was in the relationship into golden memories and not indifference or apathy.
ReplyDeleteIt was a good leap of faith, putting your self out there to be loved by another and to love hir in return, don't give up looking for such chances cause they are few and far between =/
Also, I wager that most people will deal with many kinds of struggles and one can't compare peoples struggles to their own unless one has walked in another's shoes. Much love Amelia...