I cried at my therapists for the first time last week. I don't normally cry, but I think it was a combination of things brewing. For one, I was read on Sunday, and went to my electrolysis that following Monday. Going to that always feels degrading, and insulting to me. It makes me feel incomplete, flawed, fatalistic, and hopeless. When my therapists got on the subject of owning my trans identity, she pushed a bit on the not being a women front, and I caved. Normally I can acknowledge at least that I will never be a genetic female. But in combination with everything else, I think it just struck the a nerve and released a bunch of pent of negativity.
I do, after all, have about 10 years worth of repressed negative emotions lurking in the wings.
I am getting better at living out though, since being read I've gotten more comfortable being less stealthy and (laziness helps) just going out as is. I do get more strange looks, but they don't really bother me all that much anymore.
What does bother me though, is still the aspect of being trans. I HATE having to go through this. I feel cursed, and living out the undeserved punishment for some crime committed in a past life.
I find myself crying in bathrooms more often. Silently sobbing where no one can see. Not oceans or anything, just quick bouts of it to simply get some ability to breath. What is scary, however, is that I find my thoughts turning violent in an urge to give me something to set myself off. Thinking about cutting just to start the release and get all of this cancer out of me.
One thing that is depressing though, despite the progress I've made, while the self destructive tendencies have abated, the thoughts remain omnipresent.
I do, after all, have about 10 years worth of repressed negative emotions lurking in the wings.
I am getting better at living out though, since being read I've gotten more comfortable being less stealthy and (laziness helps) just going out as is. I do get more strange looks, but they don't really bother me all that much anymore.
What does bother me though, is still the aspect of being trans. I HATE having to go through this. I feel cursed, and living out the undeserved punishment for some crime committed in a past life.
I find myself crying in bathrooms more often. Silently sobbing where no one can see. Not oceans or anything, just quick bouts of it to simply get some ability to breath. What is scary, however, is that I find my thoughts turning violent in an urge to give me something to set myself off. Thinking about cutting just to start the release and get all of this cancer out of me.
One thing that is depressing though, despite the progress I've made, while the self destructive tendencies have abated, the thoughts remain omnipresent.
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