Upsetting things

So, at an event the other night I was approached by someone who does vocal work. I didn't think much of it at the time, but when I got home I was quite upset about it. I'm not sure if it was simply the aspect that I was read as being trans, but that is my first inclination. At the same time, there is a lot of other things going on in my life that might be pushing the idea. Stress in general is pretty high as I'm still looking for employment and trying to get myself settled in this new fantastic place.

In actuality it wouldn't hurt for me to visit a vocal coach, but, perhaps because I recently received positive feedback on it, to have someone offer their coaching, I presume that they have read me, and that is contrary to my inclinations on my voice.

The more things change

Alright, so things have changed, a lot. I've mirrored this in the changing of the site as well, it still needs some rounded corners on some things before I'm satisfied with it, but I can worry about that later.

The reason I've not been writing lately is because I've indeed moved across the country to live in Seattle. This has been both amazing and depressing at the same time. It presents in itself a new situation for me, in which I'm not quite sure what to make of it.

I've been here for a few weeks now and things feel, strangely familiar. I love the city, I love being in a big city, being around people, I love the weather and how it changes like Texas' does, but doesn't get the negative aspects associated with. I love my apartment and its giant windows that radiate light into my small apartment when the sun is out. I'm not sure what more I could ask for in a city, it is routinely amazing that I actually get to live here.

Now, lets not be unrealistic here. It would be silly and disingenuous of my to say things are peachy keen and my life is amazing. That is far from the case here. I'm still under tremendous pressure to find a job, and while I have managed to find some potential work, it isn't reliable, or definite by any means. I've sent out countless applications only to have no response from nearly all of them. So that weight is slowly crushing down on me. As it always has. The other, is the persistent loneliness that accompanies me. It doesn't feel altogether different from when I was living with my parents, away from my friends. Indeed, thanks to the internet I still don't feel all that far away from them, but it is the daily ins and outs that get to me. I find myself escaping for hours on end, and for those few moments I'm not I feel strong urges of crying and sadness. Though this hasn't been habitual until recently, and may have coincided with my normal mood swings associated with my injections.

So, this ends up with my daily routine being either A, get up and go do something, or B, stay in and escape into the internet all day. Of course, in doing A, I also do B whenever I return back home. So aside from a few brief moments outside, there is little opportunity to meet my neighbors and such. I have attempted to read outside by the door stop a few times, with mixed results. Comfort also begins to be an issue with the relative cold here.

I think it boils down to a general dissatisfaction. I'm very much tired of waiting around for things, yet I'm not sure how to go out and actually get them aside from taking the slow patient route. I don't feel like I'm stagnating, yet. Which is good as that is my precursor for dangerous old habits, but my situation is unfavorable at the moment, and patience, and faith in things working out was something I was never good at.

tired

Words cannot describe how tired I am of discussing my employment status. It is the subject of a continuous lecture that I'm forced to endure. Basing opinions on my actions solely on perceptions of the affect of what I'm doing. This is akin to guessing what is happening in a room based on the vibrations you feel coming through the wall. The asininity of this boggles my mind. More so, despite pointing this out, it continues.

This strange need to reteach me how to provide for myself also only serves to humiliate and insult me. Simply because my plans doesn't resemble the typical one, does not mean I'm helpless.

This aside, there is hope for me venturing up to Seattle relatively soon. While I can make a go at it out there for marginally more than I normally do, it is still going to require additional finances. This may be provided for me (hopefully) fail this, then It will likely be sometime before I can get up there.

At this point, I am just so tired and sick of discussing the matter that I don't even want to think about it.

Machinations

The routine of things is starting to get to me. I find in my escapism I loose track of entire days at a time. I don't find this to be positive. I don't think I've actually sat and thought about life in a couple of months. It is just too painful to do at the moment. I've moved on from strangers who can't handle transwomen. It isn't that I think it won't hurt me next time, but more that the pain from that experience has been buried and healed over. As things are want to do.

My family life is deteriorating. My ability to care about the elder members is severely diminished, even the lamentations of my mother seems to fall on deaf ears these days. I just can't seem to find any capacity to really care about such terrible people. My mother in particular seems to prove to me that she has no concept of integrity at every turn.  My cousins, and my brother, and the only relatives I really muster up feelings for. I believe this is mainly because they have much better character traits even among their vices.  They have their issues, but they aren't ones to judge. I still don't feel any real connection to them, but I don't actively wish to disassociate with them like I do the rest of the family.

I've been flirting with people lately, mainly those who I know will reciprocate, even in vain. I'm not quite sure what is driving me to seek their reassurance. Perhaps it is just nice to enjoy the company of others now and then. My other relationships, one in particular, are tentatively disruptive and disturbing. It isn't that I wish harm to this person, I just have no desire to actively be around or involved with hir at this point in my life. I think it is still too painful.

In the meantime, I'm aching to leave Texas. It seems I can't leave soon enough. The job search however seems to keep pushing me back to square one, no matter how fruitful a particular lead or position seems to be. I know this is something I must get used to, job searching it seems is a definition in futility and frustration. It is difficult to not let the excitement of possibility and the frustration of disappointment get to me. In addition, I have trouble expressing the negative emotions because I don't want to let it get to me since it is likely going to happen multiple times.

My depression is still in a strange...unusual hidden state. I am attributing this to my living conditions, I don't feel normal while I'm in this house. I feel like I've regressed into my actress stage where I pretend nothing bothers me and everything is fine. This repression tends to erupt violently and I'm dreading what happens when it does. That said, this house is not good for me, and I may find ways to leave it for good regardless of employment or specific deadlines. I know my mother thinks I'm joking when I talk about working the street, I don't think she grasps my distaste for this environment. It sickens me to be here, and to see what it is doing to me.

Fuck you.

At this point I don't even know what to say anymore. I am so sick and tired of being forced to endure unbelievable inhuman bullshit simply because of who I am. It wouldn't be as bad, if I didn't have my trans status consistently shoved back into my face. It isn't just dealing with my body, that is a struggle in and of itself. In attempting to shop for dresses for my mother's upcoming wedding, every single dress Is worn by a model with features I can never have. Short of surgically altering my skeletal structure, my ribcage is never going to magical shrink its size, my shoulders will never be any less broad than they are. That I can usually tolerate on an average day.

What gets to me, is people, who think that because I'm trans, that it is appropriate to use that fact as an excuse to blow me off or suddenly express disinterest in me. It's enough to make a girl give up dating all together. Why should I even bother trying anymore, the few who express interest as it is always turn away as soon as they find out, so why not just beat them to the punch. Things like this make me feel like I'm destined to end up alone. Romantic possibilities always seem to boil down to fetishest or people I'm not attracted to. I apparently am not worthy of being with someone I actually like if I don't want to be alone.

Watching my mother get married doesn't help my feelings of isolation, loneliness, and longing. In many ways it feels like she is rubbing her cis privilege in my face on a daily basis. I've never wanted to be as far away from here as I do now.

Worry

Recent events have given me trouble. I know I'm dealing with depression, the issue is that it hasn't quite hit me yet. I'm currently feeling just somewhat comfortably numb. Yet I know that there are issues bothering me. What worries me is that I know there are things building up that simply aren't coming to the surface. I worry about what happens when they finally do rupture, and I can express that.

Those things, the hemorrhaging underneath the surface, are a bit in depth, to which I shall update more later. For now I need to sleep.

Routines, Habits, & Wounds.

I'm not sure how things are going. My mood is still abnormal, though enjoyable. I find myself loosing some of my cynicism towards my family, but I know my feelings towards them haven't changed. Though it is really only a change towards my mother, to whom things have always been touch and go at best. While things may tolerably pleasant now, I know it never stays that way. I think things will end up better for me, and everyone else once I can get up north.

My ex has also relocated back to Texas. This isn't news as I knew she was going to be returning in January, however I'm not quite sure I feel about it yet. My first instincts are to withdraw and be defensive. I think there is a part of me that is still hurt over what happened. Granted we talked things through and apologies and all that, but something still feels off about everything. Perhaps there is still some closure I'm seeking however I'm not sure what that might be as of yet. It isn't pressing anyway, just something festering in me somewhere...Maybe once it completely rots over I can find out where I need to...amputate.

Morbid, but it works.