Fear

So Yes, I need to keep updating, I'm working on it.

So what is new? Well, if all goes according to plan I should start HRT in about two weeks. This is both exciting and scary as hell.

Why scary you ask? Well, I have approximately two years or so in which to finish school, and in that time I have to perfect being able to well, present as female in full time, we at least for job interviews. The issue is that at the moment, I don't have the confidence, or rather don't believe I can pull off (read: convince) an interview as female. So I've two years to perfect that...or convince myself that I can.

The other option is to go as male, which I don't particularly enjoy, but it is doable if necessary. I talked to my therapist about it, and she strongly urged me not to, but...if I need to, it is an option.

In other news, I've nervously changed my name on facebook, and already gotten some feedback, not that it was..unexpected. My old roommate who I never told, expressed...confusion, and well general negativity. Which isn't unexpected, but still annoying. I expect this chaos to continue for the foreseeable future, I think though, the best thing to do is just one violent merge of identities in which those who are with me are seperated from those who aren't.

I gain confidence in anything I do, every "ladies" or "maam" does wonders for me, but I still have a long way before I think I can pull it off on my own. While a large part of that is my voice which is coming along less than adequately, it will hopefully come with the rest of me.

I suppose I am just a bit apprehensive about the ensuing choas of hormonal forces meeting social life, and the results of such.

I plan on updating more frequently, but in general its pretty crazy.

Sway

So, Life is life, no? I know I should have updated LONG ago, but thinks have been insane. At least now though that I'm done with school (for the summer) I can rest up a bit and make some cash (hopefully)  and ponder the meanings of life and all that crap.

So, news? I have an appointment with an endo on Tuesday, that should hopefully get me on HRT in the coming weeks depending on when..I can get things scheduled and what not. This should help me out in a lot of ways, many of which I'm not in the mood to type out, but I think it will help out with my mental stability a bit. I also learned of some possible insurance companies that might cover some things, which would be nice, but as always...I'm not holding my breath.

Aside from the pyschological changes, It will be good to at least halt the further masculinization of my body, and finally get this plague under control. Of course this pushes other deadlines up, My voice is going to have to get better faster, and the like, but I don't think there will become a point where I can't be simply androdgenous.

So what has prompted me to write suddenly? Well as always I generally write when I'm feeling less than ideal. The cause of it this time is some...backhanded compliments and small slights that people don't realize they make. I know these people mean well, but I just wish they would actually pay compliments, or at least keep their mouth shut if they don't have the nicest things to say. I have no desire to hear about how well I imitate, or how un-guy like I appear. Would you say that to your girlfriends? I didn't think so.

Ack, there is just so much crap built up. I don't think i'm going to bother playing guitar with my brother anymore. It simply isn't any fun anymore. While we may both play the same instrument, we play vastly different songs. I'm tired of going over there to have the two of us grow bored when the other doesn't know a particular song. There was once an idea of having a band work out, but I think those days are gone. I think pretty soon will come the point where the two of us simply part ways, as we don't really have that much in common anymore aside from parents.

I miss my romantic interest. She is across the country at the moment, in New York, and I would love to be there with her, but that simply isn't realistic. She's only gone for a week, but I still miss her. It has been nice to have someone to vent and express myself to, who doesn't question or give a wandering eye to my idiosyncracies. *sigh*

I digress. Anyway, things are progressing. I'm working on changing my name also, while I've decided on a name, It is still a matter of funds (when is it not). It should cost around $350 total to get it done around here, so I'm thinking about trying to get that done this summer.

I have this push to my transition, in that I've set goals and it at times seems like i'm rushing things, but I know if I allow myself anytime to relax, that nothing will ever get done. I want to have most of this crap done by the end of my 20s. So far I've got a couple of those years having not done anything transition wise. So...I've got a lot of ground to make up.

Anyways, I'm much to scatterbrained to continue rambling on like this..so..adieu for now.

On Running Away

Interesting predicaments...I'm trying to understand my motivations and emotions, which is strange to me as I"m usually pretty good at it. Not to say I don't have reason to be befuddled. I was recently intimate with someone who i'm very close to. This was the first time in a long time of abstinence, and i'm not quite sure what to make of it.

My first reactions were regret, and a desire to run from the relationship. Though later on I was fine being around the person and enjoyed hir company (note the gender neutral pronoun for those thinking it may be a typo). I can think of a couple of possible reasons why I wanted to leave, but not any that I can definitely say was the reason.

Which brings me to another issue, I like this person, and ze makes me very happy, but I keep finding myself looking at other people. I think the generally feeling is that things have gotten more serious than I intended, and though I do enjoy being with this person, there is something that pushes me away. What bothers me, is that I didn't feel this push prior to being intimate with this person.

Perhaps it is just the unfulfillment of intamcy that comes with hating ones body, and an act that utilizes the parts you hate is bound to make any act feel futile and meaningless.

Anyways, I doubt this will be the last entry on this subject.

Potentials (On Relationships)

Potentials? one wonders the point, or..possible eventualities of life. Of the trivialities of trust, or lack there of, and blindness of games. Vague, yes, but thats what life is. Slowly this is becoming more apparently defined the more I investigate.

I understand things about myself, I know why I want to be left alone, It's sad that it is already this early on, and here I am. I understand the situation, and the underlying motivations (on my part), but it raises the question again, though a different application.

Fascinating how a whole day can be ruined in the span of a single minute.

I think for once I would just like to not be able to boil things down to pros and cons. I ran with this venture on the hopes it might lead to something sweet and genuine, but I already feel myself dimensionalizing and weighing the relationship for its merits. Love I fear, is ever evasive and elusive.

Ce la vie apparently (downplay it, like I always do). Might as well start adjusting to the idea of solitude now, since it is already apparently (cynicism strikes again) inevitable. However, gifts are gifts, and I refuse to return moments in time to those who are no longer the people they were when they granted said moments, and however brief this ends up being, It was very nice.

Sigh, indeed.

I think this one just burnt out too quickly, rather, it never had a long life burning at its slowest, so perhaps its better to simply admire from afar, rather than get tangled in its inevitable oblivion.

Nite owls

I procrastinate to much, I had all day to finish my statistics homework, and just now got around to doing it. Not that I wouldn't normally be up at this time anyways, but It would have been much more efficient to do so earlier...but oh well.

This month is going to be hectic. I have to find a job, pack up and move, move, finish up my classes, get ready for finals and try to maintain my sanity in doing so. Not that I ever had it to begin with.

Alas, though, like with everything, taking it a day at a time seems to be the best option. My mood is generally upbeat as of recent. I know it is in no small part to recent steps in transitioning, and also getting closer to a potential romantic interest. I won't elaborate to much on that, but it is nice being close to another gender queer individual. Though, i'm not placing long term goals on any relationship, I know the person is leaving (or wanting to leave) the state upon graduation, so it is what it is, and as it is, I plan to enjoy it while I can.

With that out of the way, things feel content? Complacent? It is an interesting phenomenon for me, as it isn't something I'm used to, and I'm weary of being growing stagnate, this journey was founded on the aversion to stagnation and decay, and now that life seems to be in a more pleasant situation, I'm not going to let things regress by apathy and lethargy.

So, what do I have planned to kick me in the ass and get me moving? Well Bobcat Ball of course. It is a party thrown by the GLBT social organization I'm a member of, and it also happens to be a giant drag show, so it isn't uncommon to see everyone in drag. This of course gives me an opportunity to not be in drag, but be outside in an acceptable place, but all dressed up. It should be a pretty good event this semester, though I'm interested to see just how it goes..cautious, but optimistic.

Which brings me to another point, I was recently reading on a Trans forum about deep stealth, semi stealth, and being out. For clarifacation, deep stealth is basically erasing your past as the gender before transition. The more I think about this, the more I feel I will be semi-stealth, in that I have no problem telling people who are accepting and loving. This brings about the point of the spread of knowledge, and how controlable it is. In years past, I spent an exuberant amount of energy controlling the flow of information about the subject. Now, being able to just let that energy go, is quite relieving, but it is still somewhat of a worry. In that, one only really desires the people who are going to be accepting to know, those who are unsupportive are better off left in ignorance.

That being said, I have no problems with complete strangers reading my blogs, so tell your friends lol.

Rain

Well, aside from the fact that I've become disillusioned with my university, and its snooty expectations and lack of frame of reference, things are alright.

That sounds a bit general, and it is. I've got some time off, which is both good and bad, we all know having to much time to think can be dangerous. Especially for me. I think I'm just going to try and put life on hold for this week. As it stands, it is one of Texas' few thunderstorms, and I'm going to enjoy listening to it.

Hooray for procrastination (long entry)

SO I'm trying to make an effort to write more, the problem is just a complete lack of motivation in general. I've my first graduate exam in a couple of hours and didn't prepare for it like I know I should have, but at this point..I just can't seem to concentrate on the issue.

Well...okay it HAS been awhile. So, recent revelations, I've deemed these two-three years of my life upcoming the years of chaos as it is going to be the two most chaotic and transformative years of my life. I'll be transitioning, while finding a job, and continuing grad school (hopefully). If one of those things wasn't stressful enough i'm trying to do all three at the same time.

I've been taking them one at a time...sort of. I got my tax refund back and have been using it to purchase some clothes (finally). My first real experience with femenine clothing overall wasn't to bad, the problem is just my self image. I kept the undergarments as they fit ...relatively well, and tucking wasn't much of an issue, slightly haphazzard, but i'll get the hang of that eventually. I have no frame of reference for bras, so i'm going to avoid anymore of those until I start hormones.

I think what I'm really needing work on to get my confidence up is my voice. While I do work on it regularly, I haven't the gusto to record it yet, which is a major hinderance to progress.

....Thinking about it now, there are a few things I want to have done, that I could, I just don't have the courage to do. Which hints at an underlying fear of doing it; which is uncharacteristic of me. There are some things that I set my mind to and the world in itself won't stop me, yet...there are these small things that I could go out and do in a weekend that I can't seem to force myself to do on my own. I need to ponder over these things some more, but I'll move on for now.

My family has been overall supportive, though I've run into surface cracks. In an attempt to establish a emotional connection in an email my father called me son. I didn't make a big deal about it other than to note it, and ask him about it (best to nip this in the bud yes?). On the female side, my mother seemed to question my female attire before going out to dinner. While I was just a bit androgynous with a girls t-shirt, when I told her I was a bit girlie, she asked "well how girlie" with a tone of dissaproval, which hinted that my dress code may not have been suitable to go to dinner with them. However, once we met up she expressed no such attitude or hint of that, we even talked shoes.

So this hints at potential a bit of over-sensitivity, I know I'm looking for cracks and reasons for conflict, but I do so because I want to make sure they are firmly cemented with me in this (to use  a nice construction/building metaphor). Perhaps their lack of external conflict when I told them is what makes me want to be so thurough about their positions...I digress.

Well, rather than type everything out now, i'll save it for more entries later on in the week.