SO I'm trying to make an effort to write more, the problem is just a complete lack of motivation in general. I've my first graduate exam in a couple of hours and didn't prepare for it like I know I should have, but at this point..I just can't seem to concentrate on the issue.
Well...okay it HAS been awhile. So, recent revelations, I've deemed these two-three years of my life upcoming the years of chaos as it is going to be the two most chaotic and transformative years of my life. I'll be transitioning, while finding a job, and continuing grad school (hopefully). If one of those things wasn't stressful enough i'm trying to do all three at the same time.
I've been taking them one at a time...sort of. I got my tax refund back and have been using it to purchase some clothes (finally). My first real experience with femenine clothing overall wasn't to bad, the problem is just my self image. I kept the undergarments as they fit ...relatively well, and tucking wasn't much of an issue, slightly haphazzard, but i'll get the hang of that eventually. I have no frame of reference for bras, so i'm going to avoid anymore of those until I start hormones.
I think what I'm really needing work on to get my confidence up is my voice. While I do work on it regularly, I haven't the gusto to record it yet, which is a major hinderance to progress.
....Thinking about it now, there are a few things I want to have done, that I could, I just don't have the courage to do. Which hints at an underlying fear of doing it; which is uncharacteristic of me. There are some things that I set my mind to and the world in itself won't stop me, yet...there are these small things that I could go out and do in a weekend that I can't seem to force myself to do on my own. I need to ponder over these things some more, but I'll move on for now.
My family has been overall supportive, though I've run into surface cracks. In an attempt to establish a emotional connection in an email my father called me son. I didn't make a big deal about it other than to note it, and ask him about it (best to nip this in the bud yes?). On the female side, my mother seemed to question my female attire before going out to dinner. While I was just a bit androgynous with a girls t-shirt, when I told her I was a bit girlie, she asked "well how girlie" with a tone of dissaproval, which hinted that my dress code may not have been suitable to go to dinner with them. However, once we met up she expressed no such attitude or hint of that, we even talked shoes.
So this hints at potential a bit of over-sensitivity, I know I'm looking for cracks and reasons for conflict, but I do so because I want to make sure they are firmly cemented with me in this (to use a nice construction/building metaphor). Perhaps their lack of external conflict when I told them is what makes me want to be so thurough about their positions...I digress.
Well, rather than type everything out now, i'll save it for more entries later on in the week.
Well...okay it HAS been awhile. So, recent revelations, I've deemed these two-three years of my life upcoming the years of chaos as it is going to be the two most chaotic and transformative years of my life. I'll be transitioning, while finding a job, and continuing grad school (hopefully). If one of those things wasn't stressful enough i'm trying to do all three at the same time.
I've been taking them one at a time...sort of. I got my tax refund back and have been using it to purchase some clothes (finally). My first real experience with femenine clothing overall wasn't to bad, the problem is just my self image. I kept the undergarments as they fit ...relatively well, and tucking wasn't much of an issue, slightly haphazzard, but i'll get the hang of that eventually. I have no frame of reference for bras, so i'm going to avoid anymore of those until I start hormones.
I think what I'm really needing work on to get my confidence up is my voice. While I do work on it regularly, I haven't the gusto to record it yet, which is a major hinderance to progress.
....Thinking about it now, there are a few things I want to have done, that I could, I just don't have the courage to do. Which hints at an underlying fear of doing it; which is uncharacteristic of me. There are some things that I set my mind to and the world in itself won't stop me, yet...there are these small things that I could go out and do in a weekend that I can't seem to force myself to do on my own. I need to ponder over these things some more, but I'll move on for now.
My family has been overall supportive, though I've run into surface cracks. In an attempt to establish a emotional connection in an email my father called me son. I didn't make a big deal about it other than to note it, and ask him about it (best to nip this in the bud yes?). On the female side, my mother seemed to question my female attire before going out to dinner. While I was just a bit androgynous with a girls t-shirt, when I told her I was a bit girlie, she asked "well how girlie" with a tone of dissaproval, which hinted that my dress code may not have been suitable to go to dinner with them. However, once we met up she expressed no such attitude or hint of that, we even talked shoes.
So this hints at potential a bit of over-sensitivity, I know I'm looking for cracks and reasons for conflict, but I do so because I want to make sure they are firmly cemented with me in this (to use a nice construction/building metaphor). Perhaps their lack of external conflict when I told them is what makes me want to be so thurough about their positions...I digress.
Well, rather than type everything out now, i'll save it for more entries later on in the week.
No comments:
Post a Comment