The past few days have been a tumultuous run of ups and downs. I had a job interview that I think went well, but followed it with a massive depressive down swing at the idea of taking yet another job I didn't really want, and being forced into something I don't want.
Still, its better than my last gig in every possible way so, there's that. I honestly wouldn't mind it, I think, once I get used to it.
The real depressive aspect has come from dealing with the setting reality of my returning to my search for a partner. My cravings and desire for the recent tirade I think will always be there. Maybe this is due to her ending things in the height of my New Relationship Energy, or possibly just because I always seem to fall fast and very hard for dominant women. At the end of the day it doesn't so much matter, anymore than the fact that I desire her, and can't be with her.
In discussing things, I came to the realization that I can handle most emotional situations with grace and elegance, I remain collected and stable through most things. The one exception being handling the loss of emotional intimacy. That removal turns me on my addictive personality, and reduces me to a neurotic, anxious mess. I yearn badly for that intimacy, and when I get the news that it is ending, I can let go briefly. However the next day or two I find myself doing small enabling actions to push me towards another fix. Be it a small text message of romance, or small sweet compliments, things you'd normally do in a relationship that aren't beneficial now that it has ended. I do anything in my power to get whatever small fix of intimacy that I can, which normally serves to drive the person further away as I become a clingy, insecure, and vulnerable mess of a woman.
I don't handle loss well, and not nearly with the grace and patience I can show with almost everything else.
So, it's something to work on, and something I want to get better at. I asked the recent parter I was with for advice, and got some interesting answers. The most biggest and most influential being that my little, that is the essence of the little girl that I have in me (she's around 9-11 years old) who was abandoned as a child, still yearns badly for the connection she never had. So the resulting loss hits me hard, and that connection comes through to her, rather than to adult me. She takes over when dealing with loss, and I act much like she would, in begging for intimacy and attention from someone who can't (or doesn't want to) give it anymore.
The advice, then, was to comfort and give her the reassurance and protection she needs during that time. It's something I don't think I've ever done before and the concept is completely foreign to me. It does sound helpful though and beneficial. So, it's at least something to appeal and work through, which I've always enjoyed. Having goals and achievements to work forward always seems to help my depression.
I think the medication, in combination with my new workout routine has served to help as well. It generally gets me out of my mourning funk and into a place where I feel okay enough to go out and do things a "normal" person would be able to do.
I still cry and mourn the loss, and I fall into old habits of obsessive thought about her. Of dwelling on any little things that reminds me of her, of wanting her in all things, of romanticizing her into a perfect being (which she isn't, and which doesn't exist). It's something I just have to accept is part of my process of moving on. I did similar things with each previous partner, and it's come to be an agonizing part of my mourning. Coming to grips with the idea that my love of a person never goes away, is both agonizing and sweet in some regards. It's just a shame it never quite gets appreciated until a relationship ends.
The work now, is to maintain an openness to it all, and a willingness to let go, and embrace the change. I'm a celestial body, and many other bodies may embrace similar orbits. We can dance and flow together, and then eventually part. It is the way of things, and it is how it has always been.
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