Learning to Dance again

The past few days have been a strange mixing of emotions. Since coming back home I've felt surprisingly up. Powerful, confident, in control, light hearted, and generally acceptable. This is likely a product of the combination of drugs and structure that routine gives, as well as all the physical exercise I'm doing. It's been enjoyable to be in a different state of mind for a bit, but, I think some of that may have also been a bit presumptuous.

I caught myself ignoring the reality of my situation the other day. I was sending flirty texts, and messages to someone who wasn't interested in a relationship, despite continuing to be sweet and kind to me. In my newfound mood, I'd forgotten about that boundary, and continued to behave as if it hadn't happened, with only slight changes in vernacular to attribute to it. This left me feeling embarrassed and ashamed of my behavior. I'm typically a bit more self aware than that, though, I do inherit a good deal of fatalistic optimism from my parents.

The two of them are both romantics, and love dramatic shows of affection. That idea, tends to leave me feeling like I can change things if only I was somehow different/better/made one last grand effort. I've written about that a few times before I'm sure.

I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I can't change myself into the person she wants. Still coming to terms with having my hopes dashed once again, and the having to retake up the mantle of my own pursuit of a partner. It's funny how immortalized someone can become when you aren't given time to find their flaws. NRE is a deceitful mistress like that.

Still, it's moot now, and I have to be an adult and keep my emotions and desires under control. We are no longer dating and it is inappropriate of me to overstep my bounds, even if they were once well trodden.

I want to believe that at some point, my pursuit of polyamorous relationships will come to fruition, and I'll have two ongoing relationships at once, I feel/know I am capable, I just lack the ...well people.

Amidst all this, I find myself dealing with new lows. Not new in depth, but in, technique. In the midst of an relative good feeling up, I'll enter periods  of derealization. Where nothing seems or feels real, and I begin to question what I'm doing, why I am here, what everything means. It generally also occurs with some disassociation, where I zone out for a few minutes at a time and withdraw into my mind. I can usually feel the low coming soon after. The low isn't as bad as some I've had in the past, but, it is interesting.