Writing

Throughout my life I've always had trouble letting go of people. I horde my relationships with people, and guard them as explicit treasure. I can't even really break up with someone without wanting to still be around the person, or needing to stay in contact in some way.

I think, part of that reason is to due with how involved I tend to intertwine my life with others. Sure I can keep things divorced, but even my hobbies and activities, become the things I used to do while the other person was around.

The isolation is what gets to me, it sucks away at my soul. Where before I could talk to someone, it now feels like I'm in an empty room (which, I largely literally am, but that's aside the point). It feels like I'm alone all the time.

One of the reasons I write these is because writing in a journal doesn't relieve any emotional weight. If these are online, I know someone, anyone, at least one person might read and hear me. That, takes away a lot of the pain. It's why writing is such a cathartic experience for me. Being heard, and understood, is something I've always struggled with.

My life, now, feels like I'm writing in a journal again. It's, unviewed and unexpressed. I do things, and it's all just written down and hidden away, there is no understanding or connection to anyone else emotionally anymore. It feels asphyxiating.