So, my switch side came back. I noticed this with one of my partners in the grocery store. It is a side of me that I associate highly with my strength and confidence. Since I started in a D/S relationship with one of my partners, my life has revolved around that. Naturally, like loosing my virginity, I place significance in that relationship, and its roles and meanings and health. The problem is, that relationship hasn't been healthy, or healthy for me. Falling in love for the first time, was...intense, and, I don't think I'll ever get over it. This relationship will forever be a part of me, and even if I decide that until things can be more equal, that it is best for me to move away emotionally, I will always have a deep, vested interest in that relationship. It doesn't necessarily mean we will stop being involved, or stop seeing each other.
I am a hopeless romantic, it feeds into my submissive role in a very synergistic way. In a very true sense I'm wanting someone to sweep me off my feet, to overwhelm me, to render my defenses moot. To be so amazingly intense that my defenses don't hold and I pour myself into them.
I felt a sense of this, when this relationship started, and I hold out hope that it will at some point return to that, and if it does I will with noticeable hesitation put myself in a place to experience that again.
The struggle for me, is that in falling in love, I lost myself. I have no hesitation to living a life of servitude to someone, to devoting my existence to someone. That is my Cancerian blood, and my romantic religion. It doesn't feel like slavery when you do it willingly for someone you love with the fabric of your soul.
In that devotion, it becomes hard to see life outside of that emotional orgasm overloading my senses. In a very real sense, it becomes who I am. I did not fall in love half-hearted.
I understand, this level of emotional intensity, and commitment is not for everyone, I didn't think it was for me either, until it happened. Realize I had no plans to fall in love, or to become so devoted to the idea, to crusade for love at the expense of all aspects of myself and emotional solidarity.
The return of my switch side, is very much a symbolic return of my emotional strength of will, spirit, and solidarity. It means I'm no longer reveling in my submissive mindset. That mindset for me, is tied in with that relationship, and as long as I was enthralled with that relationship's intensity, I was enthralled in the mindset.
It means that I'm gaining my solidarity back. My strength is fickle. It comes and goes on a dime and is based very much in roots of shitty experiences, scars, internal strength of will, and emotional tempering.
Don't mistake me, however. I am very much still in love, and can be reduced and shattered without much effort by my partner. The difference now is in my strength in being able to fight those efforts for what I know is better for me.
My switch holds her strength as a tool, to be used for her will. My submissive holds her strength as a shield, to hold people back and test them. When that strength is gone she is helpless to anyone who would abuse her. Falling in love bypasses all of my known defense mechanisms, and essentially renders me enraptured and powerless.
The switch is never without power.
I am a hopeless romantic, it feeds into my submissive role in a very synergistic way. In a very true sense I'm wanting someone to sweep me off my feet, to overwhelm me, to render my defenses moot. To be so amazingly intense that my defenses don't hold and I pour myself into them.
I felt a sense of this, when this relationship started, and I hold out hope that it will at some point return to that, and if it does I will with noticeable hesitation put myself in a place to experience that again.
The struggle for me, is that in falling in love, I lost myself. I have no hesitation to living a life of servitude to someone, to devoting my existence to someone. That is my Cancerian blood, and my romantic religion. It doesn't feel like slavery when you do it willingly for someone you love with the fabric of your soul.
In that devotion, it becomes hard to see life outside of that emotional orgasm overloading my senses. In a very real sense, it becomes who I am. I did not fall in love half-hearted.
I understand, this level of emotional intensity, and commitment is not for everyone, I didn't think it was for me either, until it happened. Realize I had no plans to fall in love, or to become so devoted to the idea, to crusade for love at the expense of all aspects of myself and emotional solidarity.
The return of my switch side, is very much a symbolic return of my emotional strength of will, spirit, and solidarity. It means I'm no longer reveling in my submissive mindset. That mindset for me, is tied in with that relationship, and as long as I was enthralled with that relationship's intensity, I was enthralled in the mindset.
It means that I'm gaining my solidarity back. My strength is fickle. It comes and goes on a dime and is based very much in roots of shitty experiences, scars, internal strength of will, and emotional tempering.
Don't mistake me, however. I am very much still in love, and can be reduced and shattered without much effort by my partner. The difference now is in my strength in being able to fight those efforts for what I know is better for me.
My switch holds her strength as a tool, to be used for her will. My submissive holds her strength as a shield, to hold people back and test them. When that strength is gone she is helpless to anyone who would abuse her. Falling in love bypasses all of my known defense mechanisms, and essentially renders me enraptured and powerless.
The switch is never without power.
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