Check Please

Sometimes I just feel like screaming, but such exuberant displays are not really my thing. So Instead I'll just rant on to people until I feel better. I think mostly though, is being tired of this situation. I'm tired of trying to bring people into my life, so I think from now on, if you don't want to be involved then don't bother. I don't want anyone here who doesn't want to be. Time and time again I've tried to tell people what is going on in my life, or tried to bring them into to be somehow involved. That doesn't really ever seem to work though. People are too wrapped up in their own worlds. Not that this is new, by any means, this has been going on since I was a child, people who are/were supposed to give a damn had better things to do.

What does that all have to do with all this? Well I'm just done trying, if you want to be a part of my life than make an effort, if not, don't sugar coat it, don't try and spare my feelings, because you're just dragging things out longer than necessary. Either be there, or don't, don't half ass it when it's convenient, and don't pretend to be there because you need something done.

So yes, check please, I'm done.

One Last Chance

I don't know what I'm doing. Well, I do, but, I don't know why. I'm fighting with myself, when I already know the outcome of the events I'm setting into motion. I know there is no harm in planting seeds of ideas that I want to bloom, but I am almost positive they won't. That somehow doesn't stop me from getting upset that they still never bloom.

*sigh* perhaps I'm just inebriated, but, well I know I should stop drinking but, there are just things that seem to me to be in need of finishing, or at least..worth pursuing.

I think the egregious error in this case is that I've assigned a face to my longing, and in doing so have made things so impossibly unattainable that I can't hope but for a mediocre failure instead of a fantastic one.

It is probably best to forget such notions but...I dunno, it seems I've the fools drive of hope that despite something as sure as the sun burning I'll still long to see it smothered.

The perks of living on an island.

Well one of the perks of living in the liberal island oasis of Texas, is that occasionally, the people who work in the government, are willing to help you out. This is the case for me most recently when I went to update the name on my driver's license. I asked the clerk to update my gender as well to read female. Normally they are supposed to ask for/require a surgeon's letter saying it has been done, but I was lucky enough to be granted an F without proof of letter.

This is very very lucky, and it makes my life unbelievably that much easier now.

What's going on?

I'm not really sure what is up. I've recently just felt very defeated in everything. Despite my recent victory in getting my name changed, overall I just feel overwhelmed by it all. Tonight for example I spent four hours working on an outline for a research paper. I've had two weeks to do it, and while I still managed to get it done, I've never felt so hopeless in being able to actually finish it. I even went as far as seeing if I could drop the class if I needed to, and retake it or something else in the summer. I've only dropped a class once in my college career as it feels very regressive to me.

That isn't all though, Well known friends of mine have been messing up pronouns. I tolerate it when my parents mess up as they've known me for twenty years with a different identity, but these people haven't and are close enough to me to know better. I understand it is a slip, and that you apologize, but that doesn't make it hurt less. So even while I change my name, I'm still fighting these same battles, and it never feels like progress.

I think maybe I just need a vacation from school or stress, I don't know. I haven't been able to express myself lately, my guitar hasn't been used and my nails are growing out as evidence. Not that playing it was ever that great a form of self expression for me, but it does at least help to an extent.

My plans for the weekend entail going out with an old friend of mine who is bi-curious to a club and getting well....wasted. I am somewhat afraid of getting too drunk and putting the moves on her. Not that I'm particularly attracted to her (she's cute but not really my type), but just in that we're both rather hard up for some passion in our lives. Which I think ties into the above, in that perhaps I'm just so wound up that I'm nearing a tearing point.

I'm finding myself more and more fighting the old struggles against depression. While I find it is easier to not get sucked into the abyssal pits that I used to thanks to transitioning, the fundamental philosophical depression that I've subscribed to has still lingered along with me. With such a pessimistic, jaded and cynical view, it's hard to find much to enjoy in life. I guess I'm just looking for something passionate or beautiful, or someone to show me something like that.

Big News, Little News

It's been a while since I wrote, so I need to update on what is going on. For one, I've legally changed my name. It cost a good amount but I'm glad I went with a lawyer. I could have saved money, but I don't want to take any chances if I don't have to. Anyway, I love my name, and I think once I start getting forms that have it on there I will feel a bit more excited. I've had to mail out change of whatever forms to everyone and i'm still waiting on some things. I've heard some people have had good luck in getting their gender changed on their driver's licenses in Austin, so I'm going to go and try that and see if I can get someone to do me a favor.

Aside from that, spring break is over, and I've to get back to work. I went down to Houston to visit my dad and step-mom. It was good to see them again but they both (my dad in particular) struggled with pronoun and name issues, more so than normal. It was pretty disheatening to hear all the him, he, his, etc... It was one thing back when I was a bit more androdgenous, now, though, I'm much more feminine and even now have my name legally that of a girls.

It's things like that, that make me not want to go back. I know they are trying, but it is still troublesome.

No real news on romance, The occasional wild make out romp, but nothing new and extraordinary, though still enjoyable.