I'm not really sure what is up. I've recently just felt very defeated in everything. Despite my recent victory in getting my name changed, overall I just feel overwhelmed by it all. Tonight for example I spent four hours working on an outline for a research paper. I've had two weeks to do it, and while I still managed to get it done, I've never felt so hopeless in being able to actually finish it. I even went as far as seeing if I could drop the class if I needed to, and retake it or something else in the summer. I've only dropped a class once in my college career as it feels very regressive to me.
That isn't all though, Well known friends of mine have been messing up pronouns. I tolerate it when my parents mess up as they've known me for twenty years with a different identity, but these people haven't and are close enough to me to know better. I understand it is a slip, and that you apologize, but that doesn't make it hurt less. So even while I change my name, I'm still fighting these same battles, and it never feels like progress.
I think maybe I just need a vacation from school or stress, I don't know. I haven't been able to express myself lately, my guitar hasn't been used and my nails are growing out as evidence. Not that playing it was ever that great a form of self expression for me, but it does at least help to an extent.
My plans for the weekend entail going out with an old friend of mine who is bi-curious to a club and getting well....wasted. I am somewhat afraid of getting too drunk and putting the moves on her. Not that I'm particularly attracted to her (she's cute but not really my type), but just in that we're both rather hard up for some passion in our lives. Which I think ties into the above, in that perhaps I'm just so wound up that I'm nearing a tearing point.
I'm finding myself more and more fighting the old struggles against depression. While I find it is easier to not get sucked into the abyssal pits that I used to thanks to transitioning, the fundamental philosophical depression that I've subscribed to has still lingered along with me. With such a pessimistic, jaded and cynical view, it's hard to find much to enjoy in life. I guess I'm just looking for something passionate or beautiful, or someone to show me something like that.
That isn't all though, Well known friends of mine have been messing up pronouns. I tolerate it when my parents mess up as they've known me for twenty years with a different identity, but these people haven't and are close enough to me to know better. I understand it is a slip, and that you apologize, but that doesn't make it hurt less. So even while I change my name, I'm still fighting these same battles, and it never feels like progress.
I think maybe I just need a vacation from school or stress, I don't know. I haven't been able to express myself lately, my guitar hasn't been used and my nails are growing out as evidence. Not that playing it was ever that great a form of self expression for me, but it does at least help to an extent.
My plans for the weekend entail going out with an old friend of mine who is bi-curious to a club and getting well....wasted. I am somewhat afraid of getting too drunk and putting the moves on her. Not that I'm particularly attracted to her (she's cute but not really my type), but just in that we're both rather hard up for some passion in our lives. Which I think ties into the above, in that perhaps I'm just so wound up that I'm nearing a tearing point.
I'm finding myself more and more fighting the old struggles against depression. While I find it is easier to not get sucked into the abyssal pits that I used to thanks to transitioning, the fundamental philosophical depression that I've subscribed to has still lingered along with me. With such a pessimistic, jaded and cynical view, it's hard to find much to enjoy in life. I guess I'm just looking for something passionate or beautiful, or someone to show me something like that.
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