Cancers

I've been reading up on my sign. I've always been somewhat of a cancer poster-girl. I am also however, at a bit of a challenge with it. Not that it is inaccurate, but in it's poignancy. One of the things cancer stresses is family and motherhood. Two things that I am don't get the privilege of experiencing, not in a genetic sense anyway. Coming to terms with the fact that no one will ever share my DNA, and that I won't have that link, is taking longer than I thought it would. Even now I don't feel it has fully set in yet. I think to an extent that sorrow is too much for me, and I'm keeping it at a distance.

In love? Well, that isn't really an issue these days. I miss the closeness, but, I think pursuing that when I know it isn't genuine runs false to my constitution. It's very enjoyable, but I've never been one for causality in love. Unfortunately, a college campus, is not a place to find people who express similar interests.

It seems the stars are not with me in these matters.

Valentines

What an interest series of events. I had what was arguably the best Valentines I've ever had. It was spent being romanced and shown a level of affection I don't think I've had for quite some time. Today is the first time I've really been alone in the past four days, and it feels a little strange. Things between me and the other person are still a bit unsettled however. Ze needs to figure out what ze wants before I can feel at ease. I'm not about to pursue things that I find without merit, and if ze can't commit back to the extent that I am looking for then, it is probably for the best I begin to turn my affections elsewhere.

Of course that is always easier said than done, but I'm not sure what else I can do at the moment but wait.

For now, being close to someone has reminded me just how pleasant life can be. On the downside however, being with someone does tend to shove my body image issues back in my face and down my throat. While normally I can tolerate them to an extent, being close to someone exacerbates the issues, and hinders my ability to ignore them. Specifically when being intimate with someone.

This is on top of other stresses that are beginning to take their tole I think.

Intimacy

So, I wanted to try and figure out what has been going on. Recent bouts of physical intimacy have put me in strange places. The most recent being more disturbing than the others. I have a somewhat vivid imagination, and when combined with someone else feeding into it with sensations that closely resemble what the fantasy is, it can become very real. This becomes a problem when reentering reality. I can usually handle where I am in my transition, I'm well aware of what I have, and what is yet to come. However that quick fantasy/reality post orgasm come down was particularly harsh.

On that same token, acts that I used to be able to tolerate now seem very foreign and uncomfortable. I don't think it fits in any longer with who I am, and I don't think it is fair to be asked to perform them. The whole experience has made me more uncomfortable with my body than I have been in a good while.

I think I'll be keeping things above the belt from now on.

Conclusions

So this past Saturday I managed to tell my grandparents about what was going on. While I expected a whole showdown, it was actually rather anticlimactic. They said they had suspected for awhile, and besides a few "why can't we be normal" comments, it was rather civilized.

Aside from that, I'm entertaining a new interest. What I find remarkable however, is the striking difference between this, and my past relationship. The little things that annoyed me, or bothered me about my ex, don't seem to with this new interest. I'm not quite sure why, though I think some of it has to do with the physicality of it all. I'm sure some of it is being more comfortable in myself, I think a good portion of it is hir.

We aren't exclusive or anything, and neither of us really know what we are wanting, but for now, I'm just enjoying the closeness, and the warmth of having someone to lay next to. I'm not sure where it may lead to, and I don't think I am wanting another relationship so soon after this latest fiasco. Looking back at that, I want to say it was probably the worst relationship I can remember. In just overall negativity, but it was a good break away point from the past I think. While I'm not sure anything can be salvaged from that, it's at least memorable. I know now that physicality of a relationships can't be forced.

It is strange being intimate again, and...I'm not sure how to react to it. I'm still figuring things out, so I may update on that later on this week. As it is however, I am feeling pretty good, I no longer have to conceal things within my family anymore, and I can be free for most of my days.