I've been struggling with expressing myself. I finally picked up my guitar again, but I find it comes with the same problems that cause me to put it down so often. I can play on until my fingers bleed, but it never taps into the emotionality that I feel. I think this springs from a lack of creative capacity. Not that I can't write a melody, I know the scales and chords, I simply have trouble in hearing the next step. Where in another part is played. I've found I usually write the best working off or with someone else. A foundation to work with allows me to build, contrasted to just open possibility where I feel lost. I struggle to hear the whole sound of possibilities, while I can write my part, I can't hear beyond that.
It is something to work on, and perhaps just needs a different perspective.
Everything else is still rather...humid. In that, it is undesirable, unattractive, and ...sticky. I feel like I need a mental bath. That isn't to say things are bad, au contraire, things get easier everyday, I know that things will get better, I'm living for myself and without regard for the nonsense of other people. I feel very actualized, strong, and somewhat indifferent to drama. The humidity is in my boredom, loneliness, and apparent lack of inspiration. There are some other issues, but nothing too serious, and hopefully most will solved once classes start back up in a day or two.
In trans news, I've started looking into medical loans in order to move my projected completion date up. My goal is one major surgery by my 30th birthday, which is easily doable. However, if I can get all of them done, I will be ecstatic. With my SRS details ironed out, I'm now looking into FFS and a Trachea shave. Breast augmentation may be desired later on, but at the moment they fit my body very well, and I'm waiting to see how they fair on another year or two of hormones. The rub, lies in that I don't have accurate financial numbers for FFS or the shave. So I need to get some more accurate figures before settling on an action plan.
I have an ambitious five years ahead of me. It is doable, but, It is going to involve some serious decisions about the rest of my life.
It is something to work on, and perhaps just needs a different perspective.
Everything else is still rather...humid. In that, it is undesirable, unattractive, and ...sticky. I feel like I need a mental bath. That isn't to say things are bad, au contraire, things get easier everyday, I know that things will get better, I'm living for myself and without regard for the nonsense of other people. I feel very actualized, strong, and somewhat indifferent to drama. The humidity is in my boredom, loneliness, and apparent lack of inspiration. There are some other issues, but nothing too serious, and hopefully most will solved once classes start back up in a day or two.
In trans news, I've started looking into medical loans in order to move my projected completion date up. My goal is one major surgery by my 30th birthday, which is easily doable. However, if I can get all of them done, I will be ecstatic. With my SRS details ironed out, I'm now looking into FFS and a Trachea shave. Breast augmentation may be desired later on, but at the moment they fit my body very well, and I'm waiting to see how they fair on another year or two of hormones. The rub, lies in that I don't have accurate financial numbers for FFS or the shave. So I need to get some more accurate figures before settling on an action plan.
I have an ambitious five years ahead of me. It is doable, but, It is going to involve some serious decisions about the rest of my life.
just don't do anything to your nose! you've got such a cute nose;)
ReplyDeleteI don't plan to, I've come to appreciate it ^_^.
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