I've been meaning to write this post for a couple weeks, but it's gotten put off for a while. It isn't something I'm wanting to admit, but I feel it will be beneficial to put into writing. Recently, as my emotionality has become much more prominent in my life, my negative moods and depression are much more apparent to those around me. While that isn't anything new, what I'm wanting to elaborate on is my inability to express myself in said mood. When friends give me hugs and ask me what's wrong, I'm left speechless and denied of any expression. One of the reasons I believe this happens is due to my upbringing, and the issues involved in that, but also that I have trouble believing that anyone actually cares enough to bother asking. The idea is such a shock to me that I often have to struggle to keep from weeping whenever people give me hugs when I'm upset.
In regards to my upbringing, I contribute this directly to the emotional negligence of my parents during my adolescence. I've always taken after my father and his stoic, emotionless manners, to my dismay. I have however grown beyond that into being able to express myself in most circumstances. However, if I'm upset, I clam up and for the life of my can not say what I need to. It is very frustrating and painful to live through. I don't think it is simply my cancer nature, as my withdrawal from things is usually long before I become emotionally involved.
Anyway, I'm still struggling with my dual nature. I've been working on accepting my past, but that is proving more difficult than I thought. In a way I'm living within two identities, the person I am now, and the person I was. When they work in harmony it feeds me a great strength of will and conviction against many things. However when they are at odds, say when I don't feel comfortable, or I'm forced to dress more androgynously than I'd like (I haven't come out in my classes), being intimate with someone, or am dealing with other aspects of my transition, it eats away, and cripples me.
I often feel deformed. Imperfect, unfinished, disingenuoun, and hopeless. Too ashamed of myself to let anyone inside, and too afraid to cry out.
In regards to my upbringing, I contribute this directly to the emotional negligence of my parents during my adolescence. I've always taken after my father and his stoic, emotionless manners, to my dismay. I have however grown beyond that into being able to express myself in most circumstances. However, if I'm upset, I clam up and for the life of my can not say what I need to. It is very frustrating and painful to live through. I don't think it is simply my cancer nature, as my withdrawal from things is usually long before I become emotionally involved.
Anyway, I'm still struggling with my dual nature. I've been working on accepting my past, but that is proving more difficult than I thought. In a way I'm living within two identities, the person I am now, and the person I was. When they work in harmony it feeds me a great strength of will and conviction against many things. However when they are at odds, say when I don't feel comfortable, or I'm forced to dress more androgynously than I'd like (I haven't come out in my classes), being intimate with someone, or am dealing with other aspects of my transition, it eats away, and cripples me.
I often feel deformed. Imperfect, unfinished, disingenuoun, and hopeless. Too ashamed of myself to let anyone inside, and too afraid to cry out.
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