5.31.2016

No win scenario

I honestly don't know what's wrong anymore. It felt like for about six months now that the medication was really helping. Now though, it feels like I stopped taking it, even while I continue my normal dosages. Perhaps my system has adjusted, but I wouldn't think it was have such drastic effects.

I know, I could be doing more to help it out. I've struggled to get my body moving again, the yoga and exercise I had been doing so regularly is now a monumental struggle. I haven't written anything in months either. Both are things I thought generally helped me feel productive, and helped my mood, but lately I haven't had either the energy, motivation, believe in, and capacity to do.

The time I spend alone, I find myself wincing through as if in constant physical pain. I've lost the enjoyment of nearly all the things I used to enjoy, and I flutter from distraction to distraction as soon as possible much to the chagrin of my wallet. I've basically come up with any excuse possible to stop going into the office because there's no point in doing so.

My negative self talk is constant, and the violent visions and fantasies have crept back in. I am cognizant that these aren't normal, aren't reasonable, and aren't healthy, but you can only tune out the background radiation of self-loathing for so long before you believe it.

Every now and then I will feel a sense of conflict over it, and an urge to fight back, but it feels a bit like seeing someone else's arm plunging into the water as you drown some hundred meters down. You could, if you chose, make an effort to reach back, but you're so far gone there's no point in wasting the energy. Easier to just let it all go and stop fighting it.

And I am so so tired of fighting it.

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