I find myself going through long bouts of dichotomies. I spent most of Monday in a highly derealized state. I struggled to focus on anything, and everything felt like a dream. I was present, and could listen and talk, but it all felt so fake. Reality felt fake, like I still hadn't woken up. I was on autopilot for most everything. I could tell you how and what I did, but I didn't really remember doing it.
Contrast this to today, which was much more conscious and awake. I was in a good mood and spent a lot of time enjoying things.
The struggle is in that I don't know what the next day is going to be. Will it be a struggle get through everything, or will it be a breeze.
I find myself taking liberties. I'm not challenged or engaged by anything, and I'm pretty bored most of the time. I'll spend hours on end moving from one distraction to another (usually video games) Until the next one comes along. I haven't written anything new in months. There are a few bright spots (editing a bit got started, finally), but by and large it all feels mostly pointless.
I know a few other people are going through hard times, and I try to be as nice and helpful as I can be to them. It's a strange sensation to feel your depression seeping back in. Perhaps it's just the come down from good mood, but feeling hopeless is never a welcome thing.
I'm content in being a sideshow, but the pining for a main event will always hurt.
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