A steady wilting

The last ten days or so have been pretty good. I've been incredibly busy, work takes from six in the morning until about six in the evening all said and done. By the time I factor in dilation, yoga, and a brief workout and dinner, it's maybe an hour before bed. Tonight, I had no time to actually do anything since I had some chores to take care of spent some time talking to a friend before coming home.

The excitement of the new job has given way to the reality of it all, and while it's a refreshing change from the last job, the realization of boredom of what I'm being asked to do on a daily basis is starting to creep in.

I find myself aching to write more of my story, without really knowing what to, or how to write it. It's just the urge to be doing something I think.

Intermixed, I've been dealing with a restricted dosage of my medication due to a rescheduling of appointments, and a few obstinate doctors not refilling things as they said they would. This may be the cause of my lows seeping back in. Though, it could be any number of this that are correlating to this point.

There wasn't anything to trigger the lows, just, lack of sleep, and emotional exhaustion from dealing with privileged cisgender idiots on the internet. Engaging with them is beneath me, yet it's addictive to want to defend my space and my rights from attack. Solidarity is nice, but it doesn't refill my energy.

It's remarkable how fast the suicidal ideation returns too. All in all, objectively, things are much better than they have been for a while. Yet, emotionally, mentally, I feel drained and apathetic. Like I've had the life energy sucked out of me again.

Romantically, I still miss people. Both my most recent relationships occupy a good deal of mind space. The more recent obviously the more mentally taxing. The one positive aspect is that between my new lack of time is I've less energy to focus on her moving on and forgetting about me. I find a lot of internalized transphobia pops up in those moments (who wouldn't, why would anyone want to date you, you're entirely forgettable, You don't deserve someone like her anyway, etc). In focusing on this new gig, I can at least put that mental energy to better suited things.

In the midst of such, I find myself purging unnecessary social groups that tax and divide my energies. My efforts are better spent working on my life, rather than arguing pedantic and insufferable comments with strangers. With no romantic motivations, those social groups hold no value anymore.

There are a few lights dancing on the horizon, but they're faint, and if they become something of a romantic nature, I'll gladly embrace them, but at this point, hope is a luxury I can no longer afford.

Embrace the spinster, get a cat. Wait, I don't have time for a cat, I can't even keep my plant happy.