Greek Mythos

I don't really, have the energy or willpower to write this. I'm forcing myself to in an effort to try and progress out of the current mental state that I'm in.

I find myself back in this pit of depression after having hopes dashed for something I thought had a lot of potential. The frustration and exhaustion of rebuilding from scratch, after having started the long process is dehumanizing. I feel my mental and emotional capacity atrophying and weakening after each attempt. I just don't have the energy to keep doing this over and over. Yet I don't have any real alternatives. Not, reasonable anyway. As much as my tumultuous and insidious monologue cries for my death, it's not a reasonable solution. It sneaks up on me, as it is want to do, but it isn't, and was never, a desired outcome, just the only one left at times.

I digress.

I feel Sisyphean. The effort involved in pushing this boulder up the hill is Herculean, yet, I've no real other choice but to do so. I watch other folk, and they seem to manage to get it up and over the hill and into a place that seems ...stable? No, something more akin to contentment. Yet my mountain seems much more steep, or perhaps my boulder is more a cube. I'm not sure how to aggrandize the metaphor to encapsulate my struggles.

Needless to say I'm not again dealing with the throws of depression, the numbness, the psycho-motor retardation, the loss of appetite to do...anything really. My family helps, and they're by now used to seeing me this way and know the best way to help me through this, but the leg work is still on my end. No one can move that boulder for me. I just feel like laying down and letting it crush me for a while before attempting again. They say my attempts to leave the mountain are unreasonable so, I guess this is what my life is.