Breaking Up

So, this wasn't something I came to easily. For the longest time I was under the impression that the connection and emotional orbit the two of us had been in was substantial.

We had, in early January, broken up once already. Many tears were shared, I stayed home from work, I cried all night. It was said to be cold and void without me. We reconciled under the idea that maybe breaking up was a mistake.

Two months later, (two unsent break up letters later) and we realize not at all. Sadly, those two months were not spent equally, but with one of us agonizing and alone, and the other gallivanting and care free (or so it seemed to me).

For the longest time I blamed myself because it was easier to do so than to find fault with her. After all if I blamed myself it was something I could fix, something I could remedy to fix our relationship. If it was a fault in her, then things had to end. In the end, relationship having ended, you can guess how the coin landed.

She couldn't offer the emotional support I needed as a partner. I didn't ask why, it didn't matter. It was disguised in a "we work better as friends" sort of dynamic. As if, the fundamental underlying orbit of our two bodies was miraculously discovered to be better off further apart. I'm sorry, but no, you don't get to pretend we were never partners madly in love. The correct phrase is "Our partnership is in shambles, and it isn't fixable". That's honest, and accurate, and acceptable. Don't insult the relationship by pretending it didn't exist, didn't fail, and isn't irreparable, in your language.

Personal faults in us both aside, the grinding agony of attempting to fix a relationship, with someone who didn't want to fix it, is finally over. I feel amazingly lighter, more free, less stressed, and a good deal happier. This, is an amazing contrast to how I thought I would feel, and indeed how I predicted I'd feel up until about the day of. When around 2 hours ahead of time the anxiety gave way to excitement, because in the end, there was no way to leave that conversation without getting what I wanted. Either in ending the relationship, or in fixing it to a satisfactory level.

Take aways? Well, my inability to know when to end relationships. This, indeed, should have ended the moment I started to hit all the cues that it was in trouble. I've a list of things that usually signal the end (willingness to raise my voice, feeling unheard, persistent crying related to said relationship, feeling like I didn't matter, questioning whether the person still had feelings for me, not communicating because it feels pointless), but I didn't listen to them because of a vested interest. Similar to, but not quite the same, as the ideas that kept me pining after my previous ex-partner. Though, granted, this ended in a much easier, and closure inducing way. In this, it felt fixable. If only I did X Y or Z it would all be better. It's a typical and classic abuse victim mentality (not that I feel this was abusive). When in reality, there was nothing I could have really done.

There is a nice, calming, solidarity in being unpartnered. It isn't bad being alone, now that I'm supposed to be. The agony was in the discord of being partnered, yet alone. I can take being single, but feeling single, despite having the title, and supposed benefits of having a partner, is extremely unsettling for me.

All in all, this was probably one of the easiest break ups I've had. The build up was agonizing, filled with months of hysterical crying fits of being alone, of wanting to get back to something that was extinct, of endless trying to figure out motivations and understanding with friends, or nonstop exposition of the situation and how I might change or fix it. As many of those I relied on as support can attest to, I don't fall out of love easily. It comes with the romantic nature of me. I wore today, almost the exact same outfit and makeup I did when we first met, because that felt appropriate. Every beginning needs to mirror an end, and in this case, I wanted to echo back to that night because it felt magical for the both of us. It's sad to see it go, but I am no doubt better off having had it, and now, being away from it. The loneliness will hurt sometimes, as it always does, but, that's okay. For the first time, in a very long time, I feel good about things.

That said, my point of contention remains in all this. I've seen it brought up here as it has been elsewhere. I've seen people use depression as a crutch in their arguments of my faults, it is absurd. For example in this case, withdrawing emotional support leaves me feeling sad, overwhelmed and lonely, which leads me towards depression, which people then see as negativity or cynicism,, and point to it as a personality trait, which isn't really who I am or what I'm about.

I vent, a lot, to avoid internalizing grief and bullshit from other people. It is a very privileged and ignorant point of view to tell people to "get over it". I feel things very deeply, especially violations, slights, insults, and micro-aggressions. I'm an emotional being, and rather than deny them, or internalize it, I'll very easily vent that back out, and move on when I'm ready. To demand that I do so on your schedule, is exceedingly self-centered and unfeeling. Come walk 30 years in my shoes and then have someone with 1/2 the experience and none of the baggage tell you, you're over-reacting. It's dismissive, insulting, and unfair.