The Roots

As it stands, I should be asleep. Alas, some of the things will always need to be said and are best done so whilst in the moment of their origination.

A while back I said I was going to be unapologetic in change this year. That I'd be ripping things out by the roots to prune the garden of my life. Some of these things are going to be painful, and some, are going to be as easy as doing nothing.

As is, I'm done trying to beg and plead for people to be who I want them to be, rather than who they are. This is unfair to them, and to myself.

This has perhaps culminated in my separating (of sorts) from my partner. I'll once again be spending the majority of my home time alone, which has the effect of helping me feel not so taken advantage of (a problem I had felt, but not one based in reason), but is also helping me distance myself. Not that it is something I'm wanting, but more feels necessary given the larger context of our relationship. I'm always looking a few months down the road, and where I see this going isn't where I want to be.

Which, is fine, really. Not that it isn't upsetting or saddening, but that is just how life is. People come into your life, and then they leave, or they stay to a different degree. I did not, start this with the expectation that we would always be together or always be in the same style of relationship. That is, to an extent, one of the great joys of poly.

Assuming I can handle the loneliness, I've gone through worse. If my ex did nothing else she did at least ensure few if any breakups would be as bad. I digress though.

My first root is that I can no longer afford myself the ability to complain and bitch and moan whenever someone is too busy for me. If a person can't be bothered to make plans with me, I surely can't be bothered to feel bad about it. It's, disappointing, but, I can't do much of anything to change it so why bother. Forcing someone to make plans when they clearly don't want (or can't be bothered) to, only serves to make me feel like shit. It may grant some temporary reprieve from the idea that a relationship is waning, or that they aren't interested, but it is self defeating in the end.

This is, all, of course, easier said than done. Yet, while I start to think that my partner & I just may want different things in life, at this point. While we may be able to compliment that, and each other, I'm not sure we are the best answer for one another anymore. It's sad, but again, it's life.

All of this is part of a larger context of my turning thirty, and amongst this year of drastic change. I'd rather get this all out of the way now, rather than dragged out for another three years.

In that same style, it is time I looked at what I was spending my time and energy on, and where it was being directed and to what end and gain to my person. Investing 3000 hours into games only goes so far, and granted, it was mostly as a distraction from the horrors of my life, if I can fill that void with something more productive, then I should do so. I can no longer afford to grant myself cart blanch based on what I thought was true eight years ago.

It's time I started to act my age, and put away my childish behaviors. I should expect better from myself, and from those I surround myself with.