It's hard to describe what the lows are like. If I can remove myself from the ether, and stay in the real world; either by distracting or focusing on activities, keeping busy, or otherwise preoccupied, I can make do with most things. It is when I get bored and begin to analyze and withdraw into myself/my emotions that things get a bit off. I'll shut off the outside world and think about things, it's almost a meditative state. In this state, which I've previously labeled as disassociated, the ability of my mind to distinguish between what it imagines, and what is real, is a bit bad. It isn't that I see these things and think they are real, or that they exists in reality. Don't mistake me for hallucinating. I can easily differentiate what I see in my minds eye, and what is real.
The problem though, is that I'm not the only one in there. In that state, where my imagination and my consciousness are a bit melded, I often begin to see/hear things that I feel aren't coming from me. The most vivid, and recent one is as thus.
I was laying on my couch, sobbing. I had imagined the face of my matron/crone figure, a woman I looked up to, who could make me feel safe, protected, secure, and wholesome. This is not a thing I had created before, but the ideas were. It was simply new to give them this form. I began to reach out to her, and tell her what was wrong, what I felt, looking for sympathy, compassion and a warming embrace between that of a lover and a protector. She then said this: "Aww honey,there there, It's okay, it's simple, you just have to kill yourself".
As this was said, a horrible nervous wreching went down my spine. These sorts of thoughts and surprising dark comments that seemed to be pushed into my imagination are disturbing. I don't provoke them, I know they are negative, awful, and bad thoughts and I know I don't want them, and honestly know they are unhealthy. My only explanation is that my subconscious is pushing these deeper/darker thoughts through in that meditative state so that they feel as if I'm not creating them (when in all likelihood, they can come from nowhere else, while we are still dealing in the realm of the realistic. While I've not utterly ruled out the idea of a haunting, it is at least, less easy to diagnose).
Being subconscious, I have lesser control of when and how they come, and when they do they almost always produce the same lecherous nervous twitching. Either in my arms, or legs. It's as if you were going about your normal business, and someone just suddenly induced an electric shock down your arm. It's odd, and it goes away as quickly as it comes, but you do look a bit odd. I've had these twitches for a long time (going back at least 10 years) However, they haven't been around in a while. It does however, serve to depress, and darken anything I would otherwise do. While I may be going about doing anything, these horrible thoughts being consistently injected into you like so much intravenous drug has the effect akin of being shown a flash of your close relatives/loved ones all murdered for a brief instant. It isn't real, but seeing the image is disturbing and offputting regardless.
These thoughts feel foreign to me. Not that I'm unfamiliar with them, but just that they feel like they are coming from an outside source, and that disturbs me. If the sanctity of my own internal church can't protect me from darkening thoughts, just how secure is my emotional foundation to begin with? Part of my wonders if this has to do with the psychotropic effects of marijuana.
My old bad habits help, they life me out of the fog, and while I can still see it there, and dive back in if I so desired, it is at least pleasurable to be moved away from that place. Still, pushing the storm away only does so much good until your shelter is in a better shape.
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