All is full of love, You just ain't receiving

Subjcets: Crutches vices, is the fake psuedonym (names authors sometimes write under) one? Why do I feel so alone all the time, and what can't I be attracted to people. Disappointed in events I had hopes for, meeting up with becky was nice in dispelling some of my childish preconcieved expectations and notions. While, that the desire is still there, a lot of the emotional edge is gone, which is nicer to deal with. Meeting your heroes, would seem t be an always, in my case. Still, it is hard to see your hopes and dreams annihilated in front of you. There are just so few people who are compatible to me, and then to see a partner walk in, and have her way with a room, with her small and meagerness to my grace and poise, is rough. Not in the jealous way, but in a way of feeling as if i'm somehow at fault. Like, I've done something wrong, when I know, it is, and always has been, and issue of simply not being enough. Not attractive, or normal, or innocent enough. I'm not cis enough to pull off the small shy card. The one I play is the mature gradeful lady who needs no help, but will gladly take your assistance. The independent and equal that you may tear down for her benefit. A submission earned, and deserved, not expected or demanded. The problem, is that I'm late. And that those who desire such a role either have their fill of partners, or are too busy to bother. Such is the problem when you restrict your selection to the pick of the litter. BUt what are my options, lower my standards? does that not then devalue the rest of what I've done and who I've done it with? Does that not ruin my appreciation for submitting when I know in my mind that I opted for a lower class .