I guess the remembrance aspect is what I'm stuck on. How can other people remember an aspect of myself that has never existed, and how in doing so can they relate said stories without it feeling somehow superficial. Is it a point that I should, suspend my disbelieve, so to speak on?

This whole idea of a wake, is a bit trying for me. It makes sense to me, but at the same time, these people who are there to try and help me move through the grieving process can't possible know what that aspect is or who or how it would have been different. How do I reconcile that while trying to take it for what it is, am I in any better a position to say that any one story would have been different or any other given way? Does any story necessarily have to be as I say it is? I don't think so.

If I'm going to try and get through this, then it's going to take a willingness on my part to believe in what that life could have been. Perhaps the stories are just as real as any other, who am I to say that anything would or wouldn't have happened had I not been born trans. They are more just stories of a different dimension, and that doesn't invalidate them. In this dimension, I'm disfigured in comparison, from who I was in what In that existence. I've been cursed with said knowledge of that existence and of the potentiality that existed in not being disfigured.

My original hope was to get to a point where being trans didn't matter. But, I feel, lately, that it will always matter. I'll always be underprivileged and devalued for my trans status, even post surgery. It's coming to terms with the acceptance of that, and the anger, frustration, depression, and sadness that comes from knowing that through no action of your own, you've been branded with a disfigurement. (note, that I'm using that as a term to indicate a physical deformation from an original, not to exaggerate the supposed lack of attraction).

Which, raises the question, do other minorities feel the same anger of their lack f privilege and hardships, or is it something unique to the trans spectrum do to the proximity of being cisgender? My inkling is that the anger is more due to the reasoning, if there was a reason, or a way to identify how it happened, it may at least make sense. Children of racial minorities have no real genetic chance of being non-minorities. There is yet to be any strong genetic reasoning for trans people, thus it feels like a random curse to be afflicted with, and prompts a response of unjustification and outrage.

There is no rhyme or reason and thus it doesn't make sense. If there's no reason, then why should I have to suffer? There in lies the issue. One cannot look beyond a reason one doesn't understand.

While I can try to rationalize how an elephant got into my house, I'll never know really. So now then I have to adjust and mourn and process without ever really knowing how or why. There is no closure in a process that has no purpose or beginning. So, then, how does one find closure in being a random victim to a curse.

That in, is the purpose of the whole event. I guess the real question is how will this go. How do you provide closure for being cursed, and let go of what was that life, the other dimensions, or the realm of possibilities that had existed.

No comments:

Post a Comment