Photographs & Cycles

So, I think most people can relate when I say pictures make me uncomfortable. However, having a photographer/artist partner has forced me to reexamine, and experience this in a much more present state of mind.

I've found that being asked to have my photo taken makes me not nearly as averse as having someone simply take it without my regard. I'm not sure if it is the control or respect aspect, of having someone ask permission for something that they should ask permission for, or, if it is the idea that I can mentally prepare for the act.

It might be a bit of both. However, I can, an have, posed for photos and been okay with photo shoots before. The idea being that I know what I'm getting into, I can mentally and physically prepare for the experience, and when I have, I've generally been okay with it.

The bits that bother me, are the casual, candid and voyeur style photos that often get taken when either I feel I'm unprepared, or don't want, to have my picture taken. It is disrespectful to do so, and most often people (and there are many different people) do it anyway because "what's the big deal". I've noticed it is always "I want a picture", emphasis on the I. Well, maybe I don't? Why does your desire for a photo, take precedent over my desire to not be photographed?

The big deal, is respect. Maybe I want to have a good time without worrying about the fine details of how I look, or, without being brought out of my good mood/fun time to worry about this photo, wear it's going, who has control over it, and who all is going to see it.

Maybe, I just want to experience a moment, without it being interrupted, to make me worry about all the ramifications of a photograph.

That bit aside, things are murky. I can't remember the past four months in any great detail. Not that they've been bad, in fact it has largely been good, but that it has been filled with routine. Albeit enjoyable, it still feels like I'm not going anywhere. I often feel powerless, frustrated, and at times depressed. I lack motivation to do even, remote aspects of things that might change my situation. I'll go to my therapist, then, think proactively for a day or so, then fall back into routine.

I'm afraid of wasting my life like this, playing games, going to dinner, doing the same bits in and out, yet, when prompted to do differently, I can't find the reasoning or motivation to do anything else. I feel very much trapped within the largess and monotony of bullshit socio-economic work/life routines. I go to work, for no real benefit or value to myself, but to pay the people who I have to pay to let me reside in their building, or use electricity, or cook food. I get no real value added to my life, that, couldn't be added by a series of highly trained monkeys or semi-sentient robots.

I'm not sure what I need to break me out of the cycle.

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