Nightmares and enslavement

I've been plagued by nightmares, again, recently. Almost all of these have to do with my death or ensuing death. One involved earthquakes and being burned alive by molten lava. Last night's involved having my blood siphoned out via a strange syringe inserted into my gum line. The odd bit, about this last one, was that I went in willingly. Apparently it was a process I had to go through, as there were other versions of me that I had talked to (apparently from the future?) that said it was necessary for me to do this. Yet I couldn't shake the feeling that it was all a ruse that I had fallen for, and someone just wanted to murder me. It is a very strange feeling to accept your death in a dream.

This isn't new. All my nightmares seem to involve the destruction of my being in some form, be it physical body mutilation or actual mind/spirit death.

I don't think these are unrelated to my emotional stressors at the moment. I have felt very disappointed in my life and where it is at the moment. I dislike my job, and I dislike my situation. While some of this is likely the ebb and flow of my depression (the past 2 months or so have been tolerable if not numb). Some, I think, is situationally derived. The social contract of my job is increasingly feeling unbalanced, yet I feel powerless to change the situation without flatly leaving to find another job. I'm looking, but it isn't a quick process. In the meanwhile, more and more of my energy is being expelled at my job, and my down time is spent trying to recover from that.

I find myself laying awake angry, hating my situation and my life. With that sentiment comes my old favorite thoughts of walking into traffic. These are escapist thoughts, motivations and causes to not go to work, to break the routine and the stalemate. I've no inherent desire to break bones or injure myself, but if it means I can get out of the current box that is my life, then so justified.

The whole chain and loop leaves me feeling inherently unvalued and worthless. A tool to funnel money from one hand to another, without creating any inherent value or worth to myself. I pay my bills, my debts and rent, I eat food, and at the end I've nothing left to show for it. Nothing has transpired to better myself or get me any closer to my goals. I feel I'm emotionally, and spiritually, living paycheck to paycheck. Creating no increase in value or emotional and mental wealth or worth for myself.

My personal life has gotten into a much more agreeable place, but it likewise doesn't feel rewarding, simply less bad.

I feel like I'm confined in a box, and I can't breath. Emotionally asphyxiated and enslaved to what this society has deemed the social contract. That in order to simply exist in life, I have to put in 40 hours of misery, if I want to actually enjoy life, well good luck with that.

Maybe it gets easier as you simply accept the mediocrity and shityness of your life, thats how it seems my parents did it, distracted themselves with the kids and picket fence lifestyle. A distraction denied to me, even if I were to take it. Or maybe it is easier for people who "enjoy their work" if such thing isn't an oxymoron, but I never knew what I wanted to do, and the creative arts I would perform are so stunted and malnourished in me that I don't feel I could ever make a living doing them.

Which points to the reoccurring theme, of focusing on end goals vs pleasure of acts.  I'm trying to curb this mentality, but I was always one for fatalism, romance, and big pictures. What is pessimism after all but a fatalistic belief that the shitty things the world has done to you, will continue to be done to you.

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