A Moment of Peace

Earlier today, sitting out in the sun with my coffee, and book, I had a small pleasant moment of peace. I felt a bond to my city, my wondrous respite from my relationship wanderlust. It was great to be able to simple exist without thinking about my ex, or my job, or how absolutely miserable and a complete emotional train wreck I was the night before. It was just nice.

That said, I approach a point of losing hope. A conversation with my brother about the possibility of an upcoming marriage/offspring between he and his girlfriend does not encourage me. I was held together with a very thin line of sanity at my mothers wedding, I don't suspect my brother's to be much better for me.

I digress.

I surround myself with people, but feel increasingly more isolated. If I don't continuously distract myself with entertainment, I begin to break and weep uncontrollably after about five minutes. My efforts at venting my anger have helped, but about as much as pissing into a volcano serves to cool the planet. Putting a name on the injustice and wrongs done to me and mine does nothing to right them or make them hurt less.

I find I long to be put in my sub-space again, to have structure and order given to my life via someone I respect enough to let them dictate such things. The problem is finding that person, and then finding a variant of that person who is likewise attracted to me. It would seem, those that would date me, at least, those that inquire, are mutually exclusive, from those I'm attracted to.

Programming a computer to print out the words "good girl" does not, in fact, make me feel better.