Earlier tonight, in a restaurant, I had a violent fantasy about walking over to a table in the room, stabbing and beating one of the girls at the table, and then throwing her through a window. She hadn't done anything to upset me, or wrong me, my day was not outstandingly bad, or upsetting, she was just there.
I felt hints of emotional collapse at the same time. A slight tinge of a muscle spasm in my arms that I can't control. I find myself reliving a moment in which, when asked, I couldn't express my anger because I said it would destroy me. I am going to try a contained, expressive post later on that vents a lot of that, but the problem is that there is just so much of it, and it never goes away.
I feel I have to do something though, I am disgusted by violence most of the time, consensual things can be tolerable, as there is often a mix of affection involved as well. This though, was nothing but a hate filled rage of emotions. While I would never act on anything, the urge to, is new and undesired. Violence leads me to cutting and while before my cuts have been enjoyable, I haven't cut out of rage in a long time as it is always intensely more destructive and dangerous.
I know my depression is pretty strong at the moment, I just don't know what to do about it. Before the answer was simple(ish) I knew where to go, what to do, I simply couldn't. Now, I'm just completely lost and unsure of anything anymore.
I feel like there are perpetually walls falling down and one day the last will crumble and everything will just come with it at once.
I felt hints of emotional collapse at the same time. A slight tinge of a muscle spasm in my arms that I can't control. I find myself reliving a moment in which, when asked, I couldn't express my anger because I said it would destroy me. I am going to try a contained, expressive post later on that vents a lot of that, but the problem is that there is just so much of it, and it never goes away.
I feel I have to do something though, I am disgusted by violence most of the time, consensual things can be tolerable, as there is often a mix of affection involved as well. This though, was nothing but a hate filled rage of emotions. While I would never act on anything, the urge to, is new and undesired. Violence leads me to cutting and while before my cuts have been enjoyable, I haven't cut out of rage in a long time as it is always intensely more destructive and dangerous.
I know my depression is pretty strong at the moment, I just don't know what to do about it. Before the answer was simple(ish) I knew where to go, what to do, I simply couldn't. Now, I'm just completely lost and unsure of anything anymore.
I feel like there are perpetually walls falling down and one day the last will crumble and everything will just come with it at once.
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