Am I not Justified?

Rather than edit the previous post, which seemed about half complete, I thought I would simply restart here, anew.

I'm still not quite sure what I'm doing. I've been seeing someone, but I'm not quite sure why. There is no..passion, I want to say, there. Ze is cute enough, but, nothing really gets me going. There is nothing that motivates me to be sexually active in our relationship. I know some of that stems from my own body dismorphia, and some stems from hir's own issues on my body. I don't particularly enjoy having to teach people about me and my body, or explain how I don't function in the same ways as other girls. The whole..conversation frankly turns me off. The few times we have been sexually active, I felt more ackward and uncomfortable than ever before.

Some is probably from hir's inexperience with trans women, granted, but some was my mental state. I appreciate the effort, but I know it isn't in hir comfort zone, and thus, that fed my discomfort. Which, leaves me now, looking at other people in longing and loneliness, and wondering just what I'm doing. I enjoy having someone to hug and lay next to, sure, but, it still feels hollow, and despite that, I still feel alone.

Which makes me question why am I even bothering, is it, just that being involved with anyone, is better than being involved with noone. I do enjoy the company, and perhaps, for now, that alone is simply enough. I'm in no rush to push anything into serious territory, especially given my history, and future grim prospects.

Like everything else, it feels in limbo, cut off from the world, slightly askew, and more than mildly uncomfortable and unnatural.

A day or so ago, I saw a very cute lesbian couple (I assume) in the window of a Thai restraunt I was at. I envied everything about their life, their look, their happiness, their presumed ability to take care of themselves. While, I gather these are the things I'm looking for, it seemed they collectivly gathered in my reflection of their persona.

Jealousy is a very strange emotion, not one I'm used to, but, I find myself more and more envious of the people I see around me, and what, their lives must be like. I'm resisting the urge to go on a giant tyraid on the fairness of life, but, I've known it isn't fair, and bitching about it, isn't going to change the past or my life. No, that, negativity is best vented out through tears and sobs alone late at night, rather than on oft writ, seldom read blogs by poor trans women.

Things can't be the same

It's been a while since I've written. I think some of that is my own laziness, or lack of inspiration. I've been deluding myself into thinking that I'm not depressed, or that the greatness of seattle was enough in itself to overcome the rest of the shitty things in life. In some ways, it exacerbates them, if I let them. The stress and feelings of worthlessness are way greater than I ever thought possible. Hunting for jobs alone is enough to make me contemplate suicide, let alone doing with all the other shit going on.


I found some ways to cope, but, on days like yesterday, where I spend hours on end crying and feeling like life has no point, they seem few and far between. I did start seeing someone, but, like always, my excitement on the issue is limited. I'm not sure if it simply makes matters worse or not. Having a warm body to lay next to is nice, but it brings with it all manner of complications.

I wasn't naive enough to think simply by moving all my problems would be solved. I was apparently naive enough though to think I could find a job anywhere. I'm slowly coming to accept the possibility of having to move back to Texas, though, I do think it will be the end of me if I do. I found some people willing to help me out, and offering me a place to stay after my lease is up, but, I'm not sure. I'm beginning to think if I can't find a job in 9 months of looking I should just give up.

I don't relish in that idea. The simple thought of talking to my family again makes me cringe. They seem to think that I enjoy feeling worthless, and having nothing to do all day. They have no idea what is like to feel aimless, without a purpose or direction. While they romanticize the idea of not working again, it is only because they have the money and savings to be able to do so. Having to rely on other people for money, and having nothing to do all day is tormenting. They wouldn't know that however, as they don't know how to communicate with each other, let alone me.