I seem to have stumbled back into the midst of my depression out of nowhere. I have trouble focusing on anything that isn't an immediate distraction. The isolation is pretty chilling, and I find myself reaching out to connect to people for emotional intimacy, only to find them not reaching out in kind. I can't blame them, people have their own lives to lead and such.
This among the ongoing light being shined onto trans folk around the nation, and seeing how hated and feared we are as people.
Along with the ongoing existential dread of realizing that my generation has no real economic or environmental future to speak of, and there just doesn't seem to be a lot of reason to exist at the moment.
I feel alone, and hated, and discouraged. The lack of romantic interest, and the feeling of being unwanted compound into a general hopelessness of ever being emotionally or sexually satisfied. Meanwhile I sit and watch every cisgender person I know entertain multiple offers from multiple people, while everyone claims to open to dating trans folk.
Maybe I'm just a terrible person to be around, or maybe I am as ugly as I think I am. Either way it doesn't change the end results.
I just, never could find much of a point to this, and now more than ever there seems to be less of a reason to continue putting up with it.
4.28.2016
4.18.2016
Anarchy
This past week has seen a lot of interesting analysis of some of my preconceptions. Specifically, in the past I've always held the notions that love, and relationships were a single thing. You found a person you liked, and they were either the whole package of everything you wanted, or enough of that, to warrant continued investment in a romantic partnership.
A few years ago I questioned that notion, or rather, let myself be open to it as the woman I was interested in, was also seeing someone else.
It became a bit more clear then, that in the absence of that perfect match, it was more fulfilling to date multiple people, and get different aspects of what you need, from different people. This is a great theory, though, in application I rarely find more than one person ever wants to date me at once. I admit it is a possible scenario though. (look at me, being an optimist).
Recently though, in starting up negotiations for a play date (dinner, then being tied up and beaten with things, consensual and such), with an ex partner,I began to question some new aspects.
I was apprehensive because of my lingering romantic feelings, that aren't shared. I didn't want to start up this potentially intimate and charged activity, if it was going to produce further heartache because we aren't romantic. Likewise, I worried that it would be a stale and cold affair, that left me feeling disposable, and unwanted. Not only is that a sad realization, but it hinders my ability to enjoy the very activities the night was planned around.
Which left me asking, is it possible to get this sort of affection and activity, outside the context of a relationship? Perhaps I'm prejudiced against the term of Friends with Benefits, but it was my understanding that benefits only typically came in the relationship context. Realizing that it doesn't inherently mean that, makes our initial break up feel much easier to tolerate. Break ups still instinctively mean a withdraw of all the things I enjoy of a relationship, but perhaps now it can be more of a shift in dynamic, rather than a full on cutting off of emotion.
Meaning, now, the idea is to grab whatever your needs are, from anyone who will provide them, and worry about the context after the fact It's a bit like relationship anarchy/solo poly. It's strange.
All of this said, the night went well, and I've found myself in a nice mood of content me. Sub drop continues to be a real issue, but I think between distraction, and medication, I can mitigate all but the worst of it.
A few years ago I questioned that notion, or rather, let myself be open to it as the woman I was interested in, was also seeing someone else.
It became a bit more clear then, that in the absence of that perfect match, it was more fulfilling to date multiple people, and get different aspects of what you need, from different people. This is a great theory, though, in application I rarely find more than one person ever wants to date me at once. I admit it is a possible scenario though. (look at me, being an optimist).
Recently though, in starting up negotiations for a play date (dinner, then being tied up and beaten with things, consensual and such), with an ex partner,I began to question some new aspects.
I was apprehensive because of my lingering romantic feelings, that aren't shared. I didn't want to start up this potentially intimate and charged activity, if it was going to produce further heartache because we aren't romantic. Likewise, I worried that it would be a stale and cold affair, that left me feeling disposable, and unwanted. Not only is that a sad realization, but it hinders my ability to enjoy the very activities the night was planned around.
Which left me asking, is it possible to get this sort of affection and activity, outside the context of a relationship? Perhaps I'm prejudiced against the term of Friends with Benefits, but it was my understanding that benefits only typically came in the relationship context. Realizing that it doesn't inherently mean that, makes our initial break up feel much easier to tolerate. Break ups still instinctively mean a withdraw of all the things I enjoy of a relationship, but perhaps now it can be more of a shift in dynamic, rather than a full on cutting off of emotion.
Meaning, now, the idea is to grab whatever your needs are, from anyone who will provide them, and worry about the context after the fact It's a bit like relationship anarchy/solo poly. It's strange.
All of this said, the night went well, and I've found myself in a nice mood of content me. Sub drop continues to be a real issue, but I think between distraction, and medication, I can mitigate all but the worst of it.
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