A farewell note

I'm writing this on the eve of a two week vacation, and it can't come soon enough. I was mildly entertained by the idea of leaving at first, but now, I NEED to get away.

Tonight, I ended up putting myself in a position to relive recent romantic excursions with my ex. I understand why, but there are two distinct moments in which I felt both immense satisfaction and fullness, and then complete obliteration and grotesqueness. The former, came before things became sexually involved, but at the first kiss. Earlier in the night I had almost cried when I wanted to be close to hir, but fought the urge. The latter, came at the end of the sexual escapades when I asked if this changed anything. I already knew the answer, as I'm sure you all can infer as well.

The two expeditions were separated by a brief period of solitude in a bathroom for me to wonder what the fuck I was doing.  I knew what I wanted, but I also knew that the odds of it being how I wanted, were slim. As things became more sexual in nature, I knew early on that things felt different. Compared to earlier during the first kiss when I felt that fluttering joyous panic of happiness, here was only forced interest, routine, mandated petting, and a distinct lack of passion. Wherein I knew that was a sign to stop, I nevertheless charged forward, ignoring my instincts.

Where does that leave us now, well I've cried, and still have a good amount more to go, but after going from regret to shame, to anger, I've felt the quick drain of any love I had there flow out of me only to be replaced by spite and resentment. I feel used, overexposed, taken advantage of, unappreciated, dumb, embarrassed, contaminated, dirty, hurt...just hurt.

Check Please

Sometimes I just feel like screaming, but such exuberant displays are not really my thing. So Instead I'll just rant on to people until I feel better. I think mostly though, is being tired of this situation. I'm tired of trying to bring people into my life, so I think from now on, if you don't want to be involved then don't bother. I don't want anyone here who doesn't want to be. Time and time again I've tried to tell people what is going on in my life, or tried to bring them into to be somehow involved. That doesn't really ever seem to work though. People are too wrapped up in their own worlds. Not that this is new, by any means, this has been going on since I was a child, people who are/were supposed to give a damn had better things to do.

What does that all have to do with all this? Well I'm just done trying, if you want to be a part of my life than make an effort, if not, don't sugar coat it, don't try and spare my feelings, because you're just dragging things out longer than necessary. Either be there, or don't, don't half ass it when it's convenient, and don't pretend to be there because you need something done.

So yes, check please, I'm done.

Distractions

It's been a few days since my last episode and things are getting better. I spent a day down in San Antonio visiting a friend of mine. It was good just to get out of this town and out of my head. I want to say things are somewhat resolved between the parties involved. That doesn't mean I'm ready to take them camping and sing love songs to their relationship. It just means I don't want to annihilate myself on a daily basis. I'm not sure if things will ever get back to where they were, but thats just how things may have to be.

I still don't feel that the void created has been reduced or filled by anything. I feel very much alone much of the time, with good friends, but they aren't intimate relationships. With that, I find myself pursuing old relationships when, honestly, I don't feel I would be if I had a romantic interest. The past holds a plethora of possibilities and old mistakes to remake, but the argument of that being better than being alone is a valid one.

I'm almost done with the semester, with one class finished. My free time is soon going to be the entirety of my day, and that somewhat scares me as I tend to run into trouble when left alone for to long by myself and my mind.

Something to distract you, if you're like me and trying to escape from yourself.

Ambulette - "If You Go Away" (live) in D.C. Lyrics

On the criminality of being female

So, I have to blame the pregnant man for this rant, not that I have any issues with him, but my roommate does apparently. Which is what brought up this entire issue. My roommate argued quite passionately for the maintaining of the divide between genders. He argued that he was a liar because the pregnant man's chromosomes didn't match that of a typical man (XX vs XY).

My stance on the issue is both that there is no such thing as Male or Female, but a sliding scale or spectrum of the two. Just as there are degrees of sexual preference, and that almost no one is 100% purely strait or gay, gender is much the same way. To the extent that there is no such thing as a pure or "real" man and a pure or "real" woman.

Of course his whole and entire argument lies on the basis that there is a chromosomal difference between biological males and females. While he is content to say that difference is the sole and only judgment for male and female, I do not agree. I say that a persons gender (be it role, identity, or other entirely) is much more determined by a persons behavior, personality, habits, culture, etc. Rather than look at a single aspect of a persons genetics, I think it is more true to look at the entire picture of aspects, and I don't think that one aspect of a person's DNA is the end all be all criterion for the basis of gender.

That said, why does that have to do with the criminality of being female in this country? Well as my roommate passionately went on about what it meant to be male and how the pregnant man isn't one, his debate began to confirm a position I've had for a while. That being that it is a crime to be female in this country. Now I don't mean it in a way that you will go to jail and be prosecuted. I mean it in that everything in this country revolves around men, masculinity, and anyone who is less than that, or appears to be less, is cast down, ridiculed, oppressed, or discriminated against.

Think about this, why are women still less than 1% of executive officers, despite earning half of all the masters degrees in this country, and being half of the workforce (source: Economist.com). Why are FTM (Female to Male) transexuals less scrutinized than their MTF counterparts, why are femme lesbians admired but butch lesbians shunned? In this country, masculinity is worshipped, and anything that appeals to masculinity is admired. So a MTF transsexual is shunned for casting off masculinity, a femme lesbian is approved of because she becoming more masculine (being attracted to women) while still retaining her attraction AS a woman. Compare that to masculine lesbians, who are not nearly given as much limelight or compassion for their ways of life.

Just a bit of an annoyance of mine on an observation, that it seems as long as you have a penis, or are attractive to one, you are alright. But the second you denounce one, you are cast off by this society.

What do you think? Am I way off base? Or do I ring a true tune.
))

On the election

Well I am quite happy with the turnout, This is the first in a long step towards equal rights for us trans folk, and the further back into the recesses of those old church pews the Neo-Conservatives are pushed the better my life becomes.

This was a pivotal moment for us, the younger generation, to show that we do have a voice, and that if you listen to us, you can gain our support. I think that future elections will have to at least address our causes and concerns as time goes on. There was a big risk of the youth vote not turning out, and perhaps loosing a political voice for the next two decades at least. They did however, show up, and in record numbers. I am quite  proud of the younger generation, and I feel this is a great moment in history.

Fall is in the air

Well It has been far to long since I've written. Developments? Well I told my brother about being trans, that was interesting...well not so much interesting as random. I was driving back from an electrolysis appointment and was sitting in traffic when I got the random urge. I told him I didn't really know how to tell him except in "surprise random text message". He was generally understanding and supportive. We have a common bond in our ability to poke fun and bitch about our father, which is nice sometimes lol.

Speaking of Electrolysis, I've my third appointment on Wednesday, it isn't terribly painful, but it isn't fun either. I asked her about how long it would take to be all said and done and she said at least a year. That seems to be inline with my estimates, so that wasn't a big shocker. While I am glad to get started, I am still wanting to get the other big program on the road HRT (hormone replacement therapy) is something I wish I could have started before my birthday, but there isn't much to do about it now.

In other news, Fall is finally here, and I love it, It makes me feel so rejuvenated and refreshed, I just wish I had more appropriate clothes. I have a few jackets and such, but they all make me look/feel very top heavy with the pants/bottoms that I pair with it. I'm going to have to see what I can pick up this season, hopefully something cute, but money is always an issue.

Which leads me to other stresses. Today its Daylight savings time. DST doesn't start until NEXT week, but that didn't stop me from waking up an hour later than I normally do anyways for no reason. Damn farmers.

Emotionally, things are unstable. I have so much stress with school at the moment, and so little energy  and motivation with which to deal with it. I think above all I am just tired, so unbelievably tired of having to deal with any and everything anyone decides to lob in my direction. Sometimes I think it would be better to just commit myself to get a break from my life, if not to preserve my sanity and safety.

Financial Backing (out)

Well, life just got a bit more stressful. I've got a laundry list of things to do on my plate, and I will be glad once this semester is over. I have to register for Grad School tomorrow, yet I don't know how I am going to go about financing it. The plan I had is apparently...not going to work anymore. If I can get my assistantship I can cover my living expenses, but that doesn't say much about the tuition bill. So I am going to have to find some other sources of income for that. I really don't want to take out a loan to do so, but It is a last resort if I must.

I was upset about the news because it doesn't seem fair in my book, but that is life, and i'm not going to rant on about the fairness of the system that rewards those who abuse it. I've worked harder, and more diligently than the rest, and i'm rewarded by financial punishment.  If that isn't enough to demotivate a girl I don't know what is.

It is what it is however, and I just have to live with it. Much like everything else I deal with, it is just more added onto the top of the mountain. At least I've climbed up a bit higher recently, I started my electrolysis. While it isn't...fun per say, it isn't terrible. I found good practitioner with decent rates, and it will hopefully not take to long. I've got two appointments already scheduled, so that is an interesting bit.

There is just so much stress going on in my life, and I can't seem to focus on what I need to get done at all. I work well under pressure, but that is assuming I can actually focus on what I have to do, which right now should be studying for an exam tomorrow, but I just can't focus on the material.

And on a last sad note, I think I may be becoming an alcoholic. Though I've caught it, and don't plan on letting it get out of control (i've always had good self discipline), at least now I can say I know why lol.

News: Hooray more discrimination...sorta?

Kids Pulled from Transgender Teacher's Class

What I want to know, is:

1. Why would anyone pull their kids out of the persons class for any reason other than to spite the school, who was just following their legal obligation?
2. What difference does the persons gender change have on their ability to teach music in said class?
3. What business is it of the parents, if the person wants to change genders?

I stick with Bill Maher on this one, "I think Dark Side of the Moon is worth ten dead kids, there I said it".

Amen brother.

Graduation

So whats new in the life of //Amelia? Well, I'm glad you asked. *ahem* To begin with, I've got my first electrolysis appointment this week. Which should be interesting, I've gotten a tattoo before, so I'm pretty sure i know what it is going to feel like, but I am still anxious. I don't care what trends may come, facial hair on women is never going to be in style.

Speaking of tattoos, in the chat rooms someone said that you can't show up someplace classy with a back tattoo in a backless gown. Which made me a bit self conscious about mine. While I show it off when I feel it appropriate, and I love it, it does make me hesitate to show it off at say a fancy formal event...though I suppose at this point in time that is the last of my worries.

In other news, I got my graduation announcements...part of it is missing however, so I am going to wait to see if it turns up and if not...either reorder it or call some people. Nothing is ever easy, of course I didn't get a invoice with my order, just a packing slip, joy. Also, I suppose the big news, is that I was accepted into Graduate School. Registration is next week, so great, more things to do in October HA. I hope the rest of my life isn't this stressful. I talked to a friend of m mine who is also in grad school, and she impressed upon me to get a masters in the field that interests me, and while I do like business, it may not be the best choice for me. Though, at this point I think it is a bit to little to late (I'd have to reapply and so on), but I will check out some of the other programs. My next choice would probably be psychology.

Which brings us to a new subject, my brothers, be them blood or non. Starting with the biological one, I went up to Austin yesterday to celebrate his birthday, gave him a card and a gift certificate etc etc. Was generally pleasant, and was repaid with snide comments for no apparent reason than to be an ass. I can forgive being an ass if say, he worked hard, or somehow justified it in his actions, but he doesn't. He is a 26 year old spoiled brat who boast of his own self interest and gluttony.
    And the other? Well, I recently became aware of just how well Tony and I get along, we share most of the same interest, and even act pretty similar. Tony calls us the odd couple since we are so different in traits, yet so similar in personality. So in a way I refer to him as the brother I never should have had. Which I am very appreciative of.

So, what is left to rant on about? Well lastly, I died my hair back red again, I really enjoy the color as I feel it is Amelia's color rather than my natural one. It makes me feel more like myself, rather than who everyone thinks I am. I'm still working on my brows and getting my voice and makeup routine down, but things are always a work in progress. Seems I never have the time of day, but that is something I'm quickly realizing I never will have enough of.

Purple

So a bit of an update, I still haven't gotten word on my graduate application, so hopefully tomorrow or so. I told a friend of mine that I would take some head shots of her since she is moving to New York to attend a dance/sing/Broadway type of school (the name escapes me) and needs some good shots. However, I'm also going to have to another assignment that same day.

I was going to write a long rant about group projects and how they are being overused for no reason, don't really teach us anything, and make life more difficult. But that sentence works just as well.

Also on a short note, financial markets: poop. The end.

So where does that bring us? Well, I haven't yet called things off with the romantic interest, I think I am just going to ...slow it down a bit and add some space there to insulate me from her for a bit. At least until I can figure out how to adapt to this. As I mentioned in the prior entry, I have been utilizing youtube a bit, and have found a lot of inspiration in it. Maybe all hope isn't lost just yet (just the majority of it). I'm trying to stay positive, but as always, fatalism is my plague.

Youtube: Resources & More

I'm not sure If I've spoken about the vast resources and encouragement
on youtube, but here are a few i've been watching. Note that, as with
all popular social networks, there is a huge supply of assholes to
voice their abhorred opinions about anything their feeble minds doesn't comprehend.

That said, onto the goods:

CandiFLA
- For some reason I just find her hilarious. She has a pretty good
instruction getting a female voice. The earlier videos are a bit rigid,
but after she loosens up and gets into her groove she kills.

My current favorite of hers is the 10 reasons to date transsexuals...Note that if offends pretty much everyone, but its meant to be taken lightly.

Karmatic1110
For those wanting a bit more...edge. I love her opinions, and I love
how she isn't afraid to give them to you. I haven't watched to many of
her videos, but she has a good voice lesson also.

But alas, I
did finally register a youtube account, perhaps I will post videos, but
at this point I think my skill is in written words, vs video. My
roommate however does well with video, so perhaps that may turn into
something.

Ponderings & Procrastination

Well, I've been procrastinating my essay, but it is the weekend, so its justifiable.

Some things that have been on my mind however, are bothering me, and so I thought I would express them here.

I've been somewhat seeing a GG (genuine/genetic girl) for about a week or so now, and we get along well and all that. I have yet to mention being trans to her yet though. She has seen my shoes and knows something is...odd/off, but I think we are both just taking it as it comes so far. While that has been on my mind, it isn't what has been bothering me.

The main issue is that, repeatedly, whenever I enter into a relationship with someone, my gender dysphoria seems to lessen. Perhaps that isn't the correct term. In terms of life satisfaction, obviously it has improved with finding someone to be with. However, something feels off. A common default mode of mine appears to be a sullen apathetic cynicism. It promotes this, dogmatic, fatalistic view of my end goals. While this is a..negative place to be, it is common, comfortable, and stable for me.

So when something adjust my disposition a bit, it feels off, and I don't know where the adjustment came from, so I loose sight of where I am. It is all very chaotic. 

I now struggle with finding where my grounding is, in relation to my depression, loneliness, and dysphoria. Since this dysphoria is so much of who I am, when I loose my grounding, I in essence loose my bearings on my problems. So, I guess the issue now is to find out where my grounding is, where, and who I am in this space, at this moment. That my friends, is as always easier said than done. Especially when I still have a graduate essay to write.

Little Black Dresses

A bit of a rant, but I was looking through some dresses earlier, and got about half way down a page when I had to stop. I knew that i kept at it I would end up crying again, and I'm trying to avoid that. The fatalism that accompanies this seems to haunt me. It aids in the depression.  One of the reasons I'm anxious to start doing things is because it seems I'll never get to where I want to be. I know it is a slow process, and that is one reason why it seems so impossible.

"Get busy living, or get busy dieing"

I can't remember where that quote is from, but it rings true in these circumstances. It seems everyday that I don't do something to move in one direction, I'm dragged father in the other. At least now I've gotten some breathing room from school, not much, but at least some. A little time to relax can do wonders, but I don't think it will make looking at dresses any easier. It sure doesn't help with the fatalism anyways, and its good sidekick depression. With their oh so clever and undeniable mantras of "never be" and "so why bother".

Sigh. Remind me to think about anti-depressants when I actually get time to think.

Biological Warfare

I've been studying for an exam tomorrow off/on all day today, and getting online now and then to check my mail etc. Anyways, this oncoming rant occurred to me after a girl I knew in High School saw one of my pictures and asked why I was in a dress. (its a good photo of me, and one I actually like enough to leave online).

I am going to have to kill myself. Not in the literal sense of suicide, but in the identity aspect. I am going to have to end my relationships with everyone I know (those who doesn't know about being trans already). For example, this girl who commented, I am going to have to either stop talking to her all together, or tell her. Since I don't really know her all that well, it will most likely be that I stop talking to her. In essence, I have to rid the world of the person I was/am most known as, and take that person's place as who I am now.

Perhaps psychological warfare would have been a more apt title, but I digress.

I wish it were as easy as simply shanking that identity, but unfortunately there is a physical manifestation that must accompany it, and so far, that manifestation is slow going. Hopefully I can start get ridding of things relatively soon. As distressing as killing off relationships will be, I have to make that sacrifice.

I am more than eager to stab the male identity of me in the heart repeatedly, with much disdain and prejudice.