Nonhuman

I've needed to write for a while just to ..explain the insanity that was last weekend. I wrote about Friday's events, but had no idea the theme of complete overwhelming insanity was going to continue. So stick around as this one will probably be a bit lengthy.

Saturday.

The importance of Saturday lies in the evening, so I'll skip there but just mention that I woke up that morning feeling like I normally had, like shit. Having this continue through the evening left me restless. At one point I decided to opt out of escapism and simply lay down and ponder things. A while back my therapist had told me that depression is sometimes a coping mechanism for stressful situations. I focused on this and began listing all my issues. The first and foremost was what my plans were for post-graduation. So I then asked myself if I would continue to feel like shit if that was no longer an issue. The answer came back no, and when I realized that, instantly a tremendous weight lifted off me, and the fog that clouds over everything vanished. It was that quick and simple. I started to cry and the simply laughed at myself for a good while. The overall simplicity of knowing what triggers my moods, and being in control of them is a powerful thing. I woke up the next day feeling absolutely amazing.

Now, that isn't to say things are all rainbows and puppies. There is still an isolation and loneliness that chills me. However the chill doesn't penetrate me to the core like it used to a week ago. I still battle with the same feelings I had before, but the direness and hopelessness are gone. I've still no real idea on what I'm going to do, but not having that weight makes things much easier.

Sunday.
As I said earlier, I woke up feeling amazing. Later on that evening, I was dragged out by some friends of mine to go make/eat smores by a campfire just outside my apartment. Unfortunately for me, the group of people out there was not made up of what I would call "humans". When we got to the campfire, the was a period of about thirty minutes before the comments began. They started off innocently enough, comments on my height, naturally. This however quickly degraded into blatant disrespect and insults. In short, one person felt he had a duty or right to unearth my deception, as that was what it inherently was to him, to everyone else. He thought he should be thanked and respected for "telling it how it is", or something to that degree. About the time that this started to really flare up, my friends who asked me out there began to interrupt the offender, and the entire process by which it was happening. This, to me, was probably the sweetest thing i've ever had done for me. However, their appetite had been wet, and they weren't going to drop the issue. We left shortly there after, but not before my friends made the primary offender apologize to me. This was of course, heavily forced, and used as a way to deny my identity by saying "I'm sorry, Man". With the emphasis on man.

The whole ordeal felt very humiliating. I felt very self conscious until I learned that they had been told beforehand of my status. While I was very glad to see people stick up for a trans girl, overall it felt shammed in general. I did defend myself to an extent, though it wasn't quite the loud, in your face, sort of defense it should have been. I ended up crying a little, and writing an interesting note about the ordeal that I will repost here. Writing that made me feel better, and put that negativity out there, instead of within me.

So, that brings you up to speed. I'm feeling rather up these days, as I mentioned earlier, it doesn't quite feel as good as it could. There is very much still an issue with emotional connection that is being unresolved. However, things have gotten much better than they were. In regards to the events on Friday, I think something of that nature might be enjoyable now, if I was a bit less intoxicated, and knew what to expect going in. Given my mental state at the time, it is not surprising how poorly I took it when that emotional connection was denied.

pitter, patter.

I'm beginning to wonder just how many times I can rewrite the same thing. I've still refrained from cutting, though I had the urge to. I'm going to try and adjust my body hours as it seems the times that are the worst, are also the ones late at night. It is November already, and I'm somewhat stuck here. I can't move anywhere yet, and yet, I've practically said my goodbyes already. These are going to by my last weeks in the city, and the pomp and circumstance is apparently few and far between.

My expectations about Denver were accurate, as soon as another romance appeared on the horizon he disappeared. I suspected this was going to happen, it is just sad to confirm my status as a substitute. It isn't something I'm real upset over, I knew this was how things were going in, but it doesn't help to have another name I won't call when I feel like shit late at night.

It all contributes to being alone. I don't mean in a purely romantic sense, though that is a lot of it. I feel alone in that I don't think anyone else cares anymore. Not genuinely anyway. I often have fantasies about my funeral (don't read that as suicide), and who all shows up, the outpouring of emotion. That emotional connection is what I'm looking for. A sense of oneness.

Looking into that now, I find a yearning for oneness because I have such little desire to be purely myself. If I can delve into someone else, even if temporarily, that is a night, hour, minute, or precious couple of seconds that I'm not stuck being myself. I can hear the words of my ex now "You don't love yourself". I've never heard words that made me feel so judged so harshly before. Probably because it was coming from someone I trusted. I don't feel the need to expunge that phrase with all of the many reasons of why it is crap. Suffice to say that most Trans people will know the feeling, and generally fewer cis people will, if to the extent that we do.

Further, I may contaminating my emotions, but I think the loneliness is exacerbated by my sterility. I fantasise all the time about being a cis-gender person with kids, but...that isn't a life I get to have. I have been denied that right, and privilege. I guess I am still mourning that loss, more so than I thought, and trying to do it alone is that much harder.

Passing Through

I'm trying not to focus on the recent political events, but I just can't seem to see any light at the end of that tunnel. It seems for every step forward we make as a country, we're determined to spend another decade going the other direction. That is fine when you are the privileged majority of the country, that doesn't need access to healthcare or equal rights.

Anyway, on to more personal matters. I've avoided cutting since last Saturday, and I haven't had the urge too much so far. Thought my hip is healing up and starting to scar over. It seems everyone I interact with shows me nothing but ugliness and distaste. Granted that I may be focusing on the negative (surprise surprise), but I've yet to find anyone to show me something beautiful. I had a romantic burst with an old friend of mine the other night, but, while enjoyable, was fleeting and nonsustaining. I always enjoy these encounters, but they also seem so hollow and meaningless.

I was afraid of moving away for a while, I thought the loneliness would be too much, but the loneliness here is just as bad. At least in a new place there isn't any false pretenses to keep up, no routines for the sake of routines.

I find myself not wanting to put up with these things anymore. I know it would be rude, but I simply don't care to associate with people who aren't genuine with me. Soon enough it will be over though. Graduation is a little over a month away, and then I can begin anew, hopefully anyway. At this point it is beginning to look like staying here would be worse for me than leaving.

Praying

Well I finally started taking charity donations for surgical operations. You can view that website at angelsinabsolute.blogspot.com. It is a play off this website, I thought it was clever. Anyway, it is hard to say just where things are these days. I've sent out my first of many job applications, and while I don't expect much from them, I'm not going to be disappointed if I don't get anything. Things are simply just very tense at the moment. Between finances, the chaos of post-graduation, school work, and all the rest, I'm just beginning to crack I think.

What is more disturbing, is I'm not the only one. A good friend of mine, and fellow trans person, checked into a hospitality voluntarily. I talked to him extensively the night before, when he was having an emotional melt down. I don't see that as a far out possibility. I think the only real difference is that I haven't had the hope driven out of me yet. Had my situation been as dire as his, I can easily see myself going down that road. Last Thursday was an equally bad day, that was filled with very trying circumstances, arguably one of the worst in a long time, but I held it together. When prompted at therapy, the general consensus was it was an issue of loneliness/lack of connections, underneath a large banner of unimaginable stress. Indeed, I can handle almost anything with the supportive of my friends, but alone my strength dwindles considerably.

That wasn't the case this past Friday however. The day was actually relatively fine, with nothing really going on. However, late in the evening I purposefully dived into some areas that I knew were going to upset me. I'm still not sure why, aside from a weird urge to take care of an issue then and there, and release the negativity, rather than wait for it to bubble up to the surface.

I did make use of my knife to cut in a few places, but it didn't carry the shame that it did the last time I did. I'm currently chalking that to being upset (last time) vs depressed (this time). No, This time was only a nice sharp release that I am accustomed to. I'm not sure if I'm going to continue doing so, I had thought I was done with it, but it seems our daemons will always come back if we allow them an avenue.

Darker

Um, where to begin. I'm not sure what the thought process is among my friends, but be it simple scheduling conflicts, or some other reason, it seems we are not going to be visiting each other anytime soon. They enjoy going out without me it seems, and aren't going to alter there lives to fit around me. That is their prerogative, but at the same time don't expect me to sit around and listen to how much they miss me. I'm a busy girl these days and sitting around talking about things while doing something else does not strike me well.

The depression I fought off the other night comes and goes in waves, at times I can feel the energy drain out of me while I sit in front of my computer, and other days it doesn't seem to get to me. I've so far resisted the urges to self harm, but I know they are still there, lurking in the night. I did go to some awesome concerts this past week, and that really helped my spirits, but those tend to be few and far between. Meanwhile I'm getting pressured from all sides by a variety of things. My most hectic week of school is over, but there is still much to do before the semester is over and the real stress begins. That is a different entry though. Mainly, I'm just existing on a daily basis, the more tasks I have to do, the less time I have to wither and fall into despair.

I did have someone sleep along side me the other night. It was more a tease than anything else. While the person was quite attractive, the only contact our bodies made was a brief nudge when our feet touched in mid sleep. Well, I wasn't asleep, I spent much of the night curled in a ball off to the extreme side of the bed, trying not to cry myself to sleep. I suppose I could have made an advancement, but being rejected is not what I need right now.

Tests

For the first time, in a long time, I'm beginning to feel genuinely frightened and anxious. Nervous and stressed, torn and unsure. I was talking to Denver the other day, and when I remarked on my infinite options, he said to let it set me free, and that some people would kill to have my situation. That didn't do much for me, despite his sweet motivation. I've been romanticizing him and our situation for something to hold onto. Some resemblance of structure or plan in my life. Some sort of direction, even if false, is better than nothing. Not that I'm opposed to the romantic intentions we've conjured up together, but on one level, I don't see them as entirely genuine. I think we exploit the significant barriers between us for excuses to be more endearing than our feelings truly merit. Why? Because we all like to have a romantic interest, no matter how distant or unfeasible, knowing that someone is out there who likes you, is a powerful crutch for an old wound.

It isn't just the workload, yes, it is more than I anticipated being my last semester of graduate school, but I can handle that in and of itself. Some of it is seeing old friends of mine drift farther and father away, knowing that despite my attempts, I can't keep them interested in being friends. There is nothing there to build that closeness anymore.

Overall I think some of it is simply feeling alone. I'm not sure why this feeling has crept up now more so than before, but even my closer friends seem more distant and..detached from me. I catch them doing things that offend me, or being innocently and ignorantly cruel, which is unlike them.

The large chunk of the anxiety is from not knowing what I'm doing once I graduate. As I said above, I've infinite possibilities before me, and aside from a few constraints, there is no wrong direction. I don't know what to do, and it is driving me mad. There is so much pressure to figure out what to do, and to do it fast. Yet at the same time unreasonable expectations are being made, I'm to find a job immediately and start working, when I'm young, inexperienced, and transgender. All three of these categories have very high relative rates of unemployment. I'm not using that as an excuse, but just as explanation as to why I'm expecting to encounter resistance. On the other side, there have been no listening ears to vent to. Hence, I'm left to vent my frustrations on here in some sort of relief. Lord knows I've no other outlets these days.

I really need to get over my little crushes. I've a terrible habit of getting hyper-romantic over straight female friends of mine from my past. In some instances I find myself wanting to block them completely so I don't have to see them, but I never manage to get that far. I suppose I'm looking for something in them, I'm looking for what I want to be.

wow....that's depressing. In the end, it boils down to the same insecurities, the same desires, and the same fears that I've always had. Body, mine, and the lack of any other.

Making Plans

Previously, I've mentioned how I spent much of my teenage years locking myself away behind doors and televisions. I'm also leaving my home for the last three years this semester. This leaves me wanting to go out and celebrate life as much as possible because it is the last bit of it here I will get. However, I have night classes, in which I'm in class when most people are ending their day. Normally this isn't an issue, however at times, like tonight, I end up wanting to go out and socialize, and get blown off and excused away to my apartment, to lock myself away behind doors and televisions. I find people who I still call my friends, don't even bother returning calls anymore. I guess I at least know where I stand. Soon enough I will simply drop them out of my life, I've no need of acquaintances.

In other depressing news!

Unfortunately, there is no way for me to alter my bone structure. At least, not to the extent I am wanting. Recently the body image issue that is cropping up is my broadness, the large shoulder bones and ribs. In mirrors I simply keep imagining my body with smaller shoulders and a thinner rib cage. Alas, there isn't anything I can do about it, but that still doesn't make me want to keep them. I suppose I'm waiting for my hips to fill out, or my behind...or my thighs, but that seems to be stalling out as it is. 

The other issue, is in trying to find or discover a female orgasm. It is possible, I've heard from people who had female orgasms before having any surgeries. I however, can't seem to find one (not for lack of trying). Anytime I do however, it is the same thing I've always had. I'm beginning to feel like I may not be able to, at the moment, nothing seems quit so depressing as that. I feel I tolerate many of the ...sacrifices I have to make in comparison to cisgender females. I can tolerate being slightly taller, slightly broader, slightly thinner, slightly less endowed. I struggle with having to shave, I wince at not being a mother, and I cringe at my genitals. I somehow manage to live with all of this, but trying and trying over and over again to find something that should be rightfully mine already and a non-issue, is unfair and unjust. It makes me feel like I am broken. (Well, more so).

Ants

School? Well I've got my priorities taken care of, but I did notice some people talking...pointing. I wish they would simply approach and ask, rather than gossip and wonder. I'm sure in enough time they will accept it, or at least get over the curiosity of it. I suppose I'm simply annoyed at being pointed at. It wasn't an oh my god what is that point, but instead an oh that girl over there? point. So, the lesser of two evils, but it is still rude.

I've had some body image issues pop back up. I'm not sure what it is, or why it triggers. I suppose it is just normal trans imperfections popping up into my focus. It isn't exactly enjoyable.

I had an interesting discussion with another trans friend of mine however. We were going over how we were before hand. He said I was standoffish, and brooding. Which, is true. What interested me though, was when describing our teenage struggles, I listed myself as a "denyer". I convinced myself that there was nothing I could do about my feelings, and since I couldn't be perfect, then I wouldn't even bother. This notion of absolutes is something I still deal with. It is the namesake of this blog (along with a slight alcoholic play on words). The notion that if something can't be an absolute, then it is better to not try. One of the major hurdles in my coming out was getting over this notion. I still remember thinking that if I didn't do something about this issue, it was going to kill me (an absolute), and that any action, was better than the situation I was in (another absolute).

Looking at it that way, makes me wonder if I ever got over the notion at all, or simply twisted it to fit my needs.

Bloodletting

I've been struggling with expressing myself. I finally picked up my guitar again, but I find it comes with the same problems that cause me to put it down so often. I can play on until my fingers bleed, but it never taps into the emotionality that I feel. I think this springs from a lack of creative capacity. Not that I can't write a melody, I know the scales and chords, I simply have trouble in hearing the next step. Where in another part is played. I've found I usually write the best working off or with someone else. A foundation to work with allows me to build, contrasted to just open possibility where I feel lost. I struggle to hear the whole sound of possibilities, while I can write my part, I can't hear beyond that.

It is something to work on, and perhaps just needs a different perspective.

Everything else is still rather...humid. In that, it is undesirable, unattractive, and ...sticky. I feel like I need a mental bath. That isn't to say things are bad, au contraire, things get easier everyday, I know that things will get better, I'm living for myself and without regard for the nonsense of other people. I feel very actualized, strong, and somewhat indifferent to drama. The humidity is in my boredom, loneliness, and apparent lack of inspiration. There are some other issues, but nothing too serious, and hopefully most will solved once classes start back up in a day or two.

In trans news, I've started looking into medical loans in order to move my projected completion date up. My goal is one major surgery by my 30th birthday, which is easily doable. However, if I can get all of them done, I will be ecstatic. With my SRS details ironed out, I'm now looking into FFS and a Trachea shave. Breast augmentation may be desired later on, but at the moment they fit my body very well, and I'm waiting to see how they fair on another year or two of hormones. The rub, lies in that I don't have accurate financial numbers for FFS or the shave. So I need to get some more accurate figures before settling on an action plan.

I have an ambitious five years ahead of me. It is doable, but, It is going to involve some serious decisions about the rest of my life.

The Death Card

"The Death card, in tarot, marks ends and beginnings. Although most illustrations
of the Death card tend to be morbid, the forces behind the Death card
are actually quite exciting. Yes Death does mark the end of something.
But ends are often brought about by completion and not loss. Most
endings are actually good, and make room for us to begin new adventures."



This card seems apt for this entry as it sums up many of my feelings on issues.

For one, I'm using it as a conclusion for my feelings towards my ex. The behavior displayed this last week has been that of someone who really doesn't care about me or my feelings. It is instead, the behavior of a rabid hedonists, and I am not going to let the misguided pursuits of someone else bother me any longer. Despite my feelings, as a cancer, I am not one to give myself over to those who harbor ill will towards me, intentional or not. I would like to proclaim a friendship here, but I'm not even sure what would be the point of it. I don't have any ill intention, it is just, I do not care, anymore.

I've been struggling with anger towards my past recently. The animosity towards my parents is still very much alive, but I find no resolution or fulfillment in dwelling on past circumstances. While I would love to lecture on about how much pain they have caused me, I don't know what purpose or good would come from it, other than making them feel horrible, and I do not wish that.

This is also the start of the end of this chapter in my life. So much lies ahead for me come 2011. I will have finished my education, and aside from a little debt, have no financial obligations or ties to where I am. I can move anywhere in the country (or out of it) and start a new existence. This is really the beginning of my adult life, and I am quite anxious to see where it goes. So the death card is quite appropriate, I'm ending an interest, and coming to the end of a huge chapter in my life. I'm not sure where I will end up, but, while there is some anxiety, It doesn't seem insurmountable

Restless

I've been feeling restless recently. I think some of it is Summer's general lack of direction at the moment. Between job hunting (15-20% unemployment rate among the young), and the lack of any real activity to do aside from it, I exhaust my hobbies fairly quickly. I find myself staring into my monitor for many hours on end again. Something I haven't done for quite a while.

I think some of it is that I'm coming to the end of a chapter in my life. My relationship will be ending in August, which will be the last semester I spend here. I have to transition to the "real world", and try and make that work. I've found another apartment (my last in this town), and am anxious to get that on the move.

In general, I feel like I'm wasting daylight. Days go by and I don't do anything, and I wonder what exactly I am loosing. Perhaps some of it is my partner's bucket list (ze's moving in August). I think that fact has also started to weigh heavily on me, and my decisions. I know it has a habit of exacerbating things I don't find ideal, and question the reasoning for being involved with someone.

The more things change, the more they stay the same. I am so unbelievably tired of worrying about money. I'm anxious for this new chapter to start...but it seems this middle bit is dragging on, and being poorly written. Instead of a dramatic build up to a climax, it is slowly, nauseatingly, dragging out minute details for no reason.

It makes me wonder why I'm reading it.

Moving On, or Moving Out.

I think I'm beginning to grow weary of the community at this college. Not just the GLBTs that I pal around with, but the atmosphere in general is one of mediocrity.  I won't bother going on with examples, but suffice to say that the population of this university doesn't intellectually impress me. They are lazy minds, slaves to easy ignorance and biases.

This distaste for the college isn't divorced from the GLBT movement though. Recently I've grown very disillusioned, jaded, and cynical towards the community here. Some of it is brought on by the underclassmen, some of it from those who are supposed to be giving back to the community, and some of it is from myself as well. I mentioned before that I considered leaving the US because of the hostile climate and culture here, and it is only magnified in Texas. The hopelessness I feel towards having little effective change is only exacerbated by the lack of commitment from the younger generation. Everyone seems to have their own agenda, and I've begun questioning the character of people who I used to think were good friends. Nobody seems to care about the community anymore, and their apathy is reflected in my own cynicism.

I've thought about taking my last semester in Austin just as a reprieve from this, but, I'm not sure that is an answer to this.

Things in general are just...negative. This distaste of the community, the lack of intellectual stimulation, the loneliness, and the destitute nature of college life are beginning to wear deeply on me.

One Last Chance

I don't know what I'm doing. Well, I do, but, I don't know why. I'm fighting with myself, when I already know the outcome of the events I'm setting into motion. I know there is no harm in planting seeds of ideas that I want to bloom, but I am almost positive they won't. That somehow doesn't stop me from getting upset that they still never bloom.

*sigh* perhaps I'm just inebriated, but, well I know I should stop drinking but, there are just things that seem to me to be in need of finishing, or at least..worth pursuing.

I think the egregious error in this case is that I've assigned a face to my longing, and in doing so have made things so impossibly unattainable that I can't hope but for a mediocre failure instead of a fantastic one.

It is probably best to forget such notions but...I dunno, it seems I've the fools drive of hope that despite something as sure as the sun burning I'll still long to see it smothered.

What's going on?

I'm not really sure what is up. I've recently just felt very defeated in everything. Despite my recent victory in getting my name changed, overall I just feel overwhelmed by it all. Tonight for example I spent four hours working on an outline for a research paper. I've had two weeks to do it, and while I still managed to get it done, I've never felt so hopeless in being able to actually finish it. I even went as far as seeing if I could drop the class if I needed to, and retake it or something else in the summer. I've only dropped a class once in my college career as it feels very regressive to me.

That isn't all though, Well known friends of mine have been messing up pronouns. I tolerate it when my parents mess up as they've known me for twenty years with a different identity, but these people haven't and are close enough to me to know better. I understand it is a slip, and that you apologize, but that doesn't make it hurt less. So even while I change my name, I'm still fighting these same battles, and it never feels like progress.

I think maybe I just need a vacation from school or stress, I don't know. I haven't been able to express myself lately, my guitar hasn't been used and my nails are growing out as evidence. Not that playing it was ever that great a form of self expression for me, but it does at least help to an extent.

My plans for the weekend entail going out with an old friend of mine who is bi-curious to a club and getting well....wasted. I am somewhat afraid of getting too drunk and putting the moves on her. Not that I'm particularly attracted to her (she's cute but not really my type), but just in that we're both rather hard up for some passion in our lives. Which I think ties into the above, in that perhaps I'm just so wound up that I'm nearing a tearing point.

I'm finding myself more and more fighting the old struggles against depression. While I find it is easier to not get sucked into the abyssal pits that I used to thanks to transitioning, the fundamental philosophical depression that I've subscribed to has still lingered along with me. With such a pessimistic, jaded and cynical view, it's hard to find much to enjoy in life. I guess I'm just looking for something passionate or beautiful, or someone to show me something like that.

Cancers

I've been reading up on my sign. I've always been somewhat of a cancer poster-girl. I am also however, at a bit of a challenge with it. Not that it is inaccurate, but in it's poignancy. One of the things cancer stresses is family and motherhood. Two things that I am don't get the privilege of experiencing, not in a genetic sense anyway. Coming to terms with the fact that no one will ever share my DNA, and that I won't have that link, is taking longer than I thought it would. Even now I don't feel it has fully set in yet. I think to an extent that sorrow is too much for me, and I'm keeping it at a distance.

In love? Well, that isn't really an issue these days. I miss the closeness, but, I think pursuing that when I know it isn't genuine runs false to my constitution. It's very enjoyable, but I've never been one for causality in love. Unfortunately, a college campus, is not a place to find people who express similar interests.

It seems the stars are not with me in these matters.

Incoherence

Sometimes I wonder why I get ahead of myself on some things. I knew how things were, I suppose I was just hoping/deluding myself to think they were somehow different. At least this isn't anything new, and it doesn't hurt as much as it used to, but it was still bothersome.

The feeling loneliness and abandonment that comes with it doesn't help though. School starts up again soon, and it will be good to see everyone again. I just yearn to be comfortable again. I think being with someone would help, but I've no idea who that would be.

Life after the Holidays

All in all, the holidays weren't to bad. I managed to get some things I needed, a few I didn't, but a decent haul that makes life a bit better. One of the main detractors was that I won't be able to go on my vacation to Colorado since I can't find people to come with me. I am sure as hell not going up there by myself, and those who have the money don't have the time. I really needed to get away from things but...I don't see any real way of doing that except for just distance and time.

The week was a mix of pronouns and names for me. Something that will hopefully be better next year.

My emotions have been all over the place lately, I've been letting my depression seep into times when I would normally hide it. My mom noticed, though quickly dismissed. It's unusual, but then, I feel a growing awareness of my being jaded towards relationships. Given the recent events, I don't see that as a surprise. I worry about how things will be after graduation. Loneliness is always something I've struggled with, and I don't see THAT getting better anytime soon. I'm somewhat afraid that things will just get more and more extreme until I end up in a dangerous situation.

I'd originally typed out a long thing about my relationships, and remembering (un)fulfilling ones. But, every relationship has its fruit to bare.

It seems my sadness and anger over recent past events has subsided now to just a slow depression and pessimism that haunts everything I do. It sucks, but at least it is familiar. I at times get urges to write to my ex about hir perception of our relationship, and it not being favorable of me, but...then I just wonder what the point would be. Which is the question that I'm now forced to ask of everything I do.

Side note: I'm also trying very hard to remain sober, I'll keep you updated on this bit.

Experiences

Another update, If I keep this up, I may just have a whole recurring thing going here.

So, I was asked today whether I enjoyed my previous sexual encounters with my female partners. It's an ...interesting disturbing question to answer though. In my experience, basically, no. I mean, yes the physical pleasure is there, but I was always so caught up on being able to satisfy that I was never able to enjoy it myself (aside from the obvious reasons). There are exceptions to this of course, there are about 1-3 times that I can remember where the bond with the other person overwhelming, and I still look for that sensation, though..it is somewhat...elusive.

Which brings me to tonight. I have an interesting situation with a friend of mine. We get together and occasionally roll around and get somewhat physical. It never goes very too far, so it is mostly innocent... Well, mostly. Anyway, we engaged in this behavior tonight for a good three hours or so (my legs still shake), I need hir to give notes to whoever I date next, but when I was leaving I got a very strange sensation. It isn't natural for me to have an emotion that I can't name or place...but strange is all I've been able to come up with. It isn't a relationship issue because we aren't involved, nor do I think we would desire to be, so I'm not sure what to make of it. It wasn't guilt or shame, or anything like that...very puzzling.

I'm coming up on the two year anniversary of my crash. January of 2008. In a way I did end my life. I ended my life as I knew it, and began this journey, or at least the road to it. Looking back, it seems obvious to say I should have done this long ago...but, that trivializes my gains. I had no idea how things were going to work out. I had just moved to a new city, I had no good friends, no intimate relationships, and an restless desire to not be who I was. The scary part of that month, wasn't the actual act that started it, it was the fear (and a friend of mine who was there at the time, and now a tremendous friend) of what I might do the next day. It's quite a thing to be legitimately scared of yourself, and what you might do. I want to get my friend's thoughts on that time period soon and see what she remembers. Though that may be more of a January entry.

Distractions

It's been a few days since my last episode and things are getting better. I spent a day down in San Antonio visiting a friend of mine. It was good just to get out of this town and out of my head. I want to say things are somewhat resolved between the parties involved. That doesn't mean I'm ready to take them camping and sing love songs to their relationship. It just means I don't want to annihilate myself on a daily basis. I'm not sure if things will ever get back to where they were, but thats just how things may have to be.

I still don't feel that the void created has been reduced or filled by anything. I feel very much alone much of the time, with good friends, but they aren't intimate relationships. With that, I find myself pursuing old relationships when, honestly, I don't feel I would be if I had a romantic interest. The past holds a plethora of possibilities and old mistakes to remake, but the argument of that being better than being alone is a valid one.

I'm almost done with the semester, with one class finished. My free time is soon going to be the entirety of my day, and that somewhat scares me as I tend to run into trouble when left alone for to long by myself and my mind.

Something to distract you, if you're like me and trying to escape from yourself.

Ambulette - "If You Go Away" (live) in D.C. Lyrics

Tracking the Changes pt II & an update.

So not a whole lot new in the changes this fortnight. I've noticed that my right breast is definitely developing faster than my left, but I'm told this is normal. There is definitely what feels to be pockets of fluid behind my nipples. This appears to be normal according to my reading, but it is still kinda strange to me. Aside from that I find myself more moody, and prone to fits of angst than before. 

I had my first day of school in femme yesterday, it went pretty well all things considering. I didn't go to class, but to my social organization, which is obviously a bit more understanding than regular classes. I was a bit apprehensive at first, but I got used to it (like I do everything) after a bit. I'm still having trouble with my voice though, which is what makes me the most uncomfortable. I think if I could get that somewhat working I would feel much more comfortable in going out, as it is I am going out in femme with my normal voice and it irks me. It is something that I am trying to work on though =\.