Dreaming Again

It has been over two months since I've written, and I feel that is largely, acceptable. It isn't that things are just so amazing that I don't have time to write, in contrast, it is quite far from it. I just find that escapism is a more effective means of dealing with most things at the moment. A very...precarious step back for me. I've noticed some old habits coming back up, paranoia, self-deprecation, body image issues, and perhaps the most egregious of offenders, internal dialogue. Not in that understanding oneself is bad, but bouncing ideas back and forth with myself and letting them snowball into issues when they are not, is something I had long given up. Yet now, I find them returning.

I haven't been to a therapist in almost nine months, and while I was alright with this for a good while, it may be time to start back up again. The lack of a source of rebuttal and honest discourse about my life has caused me to inflect almost everything.

To said effect, I've had nightmares, regularly. They vary in degree of intensity and subject matter. Most recently it was stinging insects and tarantulas that I couldn't get off/out of my skin. I would hit them and smash their exoskeletons, but their stingers would remain intact and in my skin, infecting me. Other dreams have involved self mutilation and botched surgeries. These have all started since graduation last December. It is irregular for me to remember most dreams, and even more so for me to have consistent nightmares. The..intensity..and..grotesque nature of some of them doesn't make me long for sleep. It does however explain the cold sweats I wake up in.

My living situation is soon to be in chaos, and I'm not sure how this is going to affect me. I am just going to approach it with the best of my ability and hope I can make it work. I have suffered through worse, and I can't imagine my trust will be betrayed. I simply dislike not having a personal space, it feels very limiting emotionally, and having to keep up my masks/acting all the time becomes very tiresome and draining after multiple days on end.  To said extent, I'll probably start writing more often without the clear emotional vents that I have in place already.

I do have some things brewing, new social circles and such, that may be promising. I'm hesitant to put too much emphasis and them however as they are still newborn and I don't want to get over attached in case things don't work out. My paranoia about perceptions is also keeping me at a distance. That said, the euphoria they have given me the past few days is very, very welcome. The inverse, has me avoiding some of the people I met here previously, and tolerated. I understand this is somewhat of a "shitty" thing to do, but, we all do what we must for our intellectual and emotional sanity. The family I had in Texas was one that I loved dearly, and leaving them to move in with my mother was a shock, leaving them to come here, and find myself dealing with topics and issues I have long since abandoned was excruciating.

Things are not perfect, nor do I expect them to be. However, there is hope, for the first time, in a long time. But, perhaps, maybe I'm just sleeping again, and this is but another cruel emotional self-mutilation dream.

Return of the Rains

Being officially fall here, thankfully, my mood has somewhat abated. It is still a sporadic thing however whenever the moods do strike. Often they hit over the smallest of triggers, the latest being a computer illustration of a new GLBT center going up in some latin american country. That in itself was fine with me, but the corner was illustrated a cute lesbian couple, and that did it. So far my self imposed guidlines have worked out and I've managed any further bloodshed at the cost of starting up therapy again. I've wanted to, but I also want to try and go without therapy at the moment. I'm sure it could do me some good, it always does, but I need to learn to deal with these things on my own. It is also a financial burden that I don't need at the moment. While my family has offered to pay for it, it isn't a burden they can easily accept either.


Which brings me to both my family and financial situations. Fincially, I'm just about tapped for resources, and had it not been for a friend of mine offereing me a room with him when he moves into the city, I would be in much more dire straights. As it stands living rent free will hopefully be good enough for me until I can find a position on my own. When and If that ever happens is anyones guess. Needless to say my situatoin is going to become much more tense than I am used to, as I haven't lived with anyone for a few years now. Still, it is better than returning to Texas. The thought has been brought up to me by my parents, though I refuse to end up in a worse place, with just as aweful of job prospects and even worse living situations. 


My connection to my family is even now eroding even thinner. They find it nigh impossible to be honest with me. My mother in particular refuses this even when I and my brother call her on her being two faced. Why they find it so hard to simply be honest with me is unknown to me. I suppose they believe being so far away I'll simply choose to not deal with them if they upset me. What they don't realize though is that being honest with me is the best way to deal with me and best way to avoid me being pissed off. I always eventually find out what they think/believe anyway, so they do themselves no favors by not telling me things themselves. 


Still, there is simply so much distance between them and myself that I refuse to tolerate their bullshit. This is a complete contrast to my good friends that I left back in Texas. The idea of celebrating with them instead is one that I welcome greatly, but I'm sure they all have families they wish to be with for the holidays. Either way, it will be the first christmas that I've been away from my brother, and I think that bothers me more so than not getting any material things or not being with my parents. Unfortunatly, I see our relationship growing to that of my father and his brother, they only talk on rare occasions, and are vastly different people who aren't very close. I hate that idea, but try as I might I can't bring him to care about me, or have an interest in my life. In total it simply feels like he doesn't value our relationship at all. While, that is tolerable for a time, there comes a point where it simply isn't worth fighting for anymore. I have enough problems finding motivatoin to fight for things as it is, let alone things that actively discourage me.


Still, leaves are changing, the city is beautiful in the rain, I have as much social energy to leach off of at local coffee shops as I can desire, and warm drinks help keep the bitter loneliness out of my insides for a time.

Machinations

The routine of things is starting to get to me. I find in my escapism I loose track of entire days at a time. I don't find this to be positive. I don't think I've actually sat and thought about life in a couple of months. It is just too painful to do at the moment. I've moved on from strangers who can't handle transwomen. It isn't that I think it won't hurt me next time, but more that the pain from that experience has been buried and healed over. As things are want to do.

My family life is deteriorating. My ability to care about the elder members is severely diminished, even the lamentations of my mother seems to fall on deaf ears these days. I just can't seem to find any capacity to really care about such terrible people. My mother in particular seems to prove to me that she has no concept of integrity at every turn.  My cousins, and my brother, and the only relatives I really muster up feelings for. I believe this is mainly because they have much better character traits even among their vices.  They have their issues, but they aren't ones to judge. I still don't feel any real connection to them, but I don't actively wish to disassociate with them like I do the rest of the family.

I've been flirting with people lately, mainly those who I know will reciprocate, even in vain. I'm not quite sure what is driving me to seek their reassurance. Perhaps it is just nice to enjoy the company of others now and then. My other relationships, one in particular, are tentatively disruptive and disturbing. It isn't that I wish harm to this person, I just have no desire to actively be around or involved with hir at this point in my life. I think it is still too painful.

In the meantime, I'm aching to leave Texas. It seems I can't leave soon enough. The job search however seems to keep pushing me back to square one, no matter how fruitful a particular lead or position seems to be. I know this is something I must get used to, job searching it seems is a definition in futility and frustration. It is difficult to not let the excitement of possibility and the frustration of disappointment get to me. In addition, I have trouble expressing the negative emotions because I don't want to let it get to me since it is likely going to happen multiple times.

My depression is still in a strange...unusual hidden state. I am attributing this to my living conditions, I don't feel normal while I'm in this house. I feel like I've regressed into my actress stage where I pretend nothing bothers me and everything is fine. This repression tends to erupt violently and I'm dreading what happens when it does. That said, this house is not good for me, and I may find ways to leave it for good regardless of employment or specific deadlines. I know my mother thinks I'm joking when I talk about working the street, I don't think she grasps my distaste for this environment. It sickens me to be here, and to see what it is doing to me.

Routines, Habits, & Wounds.

I'm not sure how things are going. My mood is still abnormal, though enjoyable. I find myself loosing some of my cynicism towards my family, but I know my feelings towards them haven't changed. Though it is really only a change towards my mother, to whom things have always been touch and go at best. While things may tolerably pleasant now, I know it never stays that way. I think things will end up better for me, and everyone else once I can get up north.

My ex has also relocated back to Texas. This isn't news as I knew she was going to be returning in January, however I'm not quite sure I feel about it yet. My first instincts are to withdraw and be defensive. I think there is a part of me that is still hurt over what happened. Granted we talked things through and apologies and all that, but something still feels off about everything. Perhaps there is still some closure I'm seeking however I'm not sure what that might be as of yet. It isn't pressing anyway, just something festering in me somewhere...Maybe once it completely rots over I can find out where I need to...amputate.

Morbid, but it works.

New (Years) Resolutions

It has been a while since I've written, and I left last time on a rather dramatic, worrisome note. In the time since then, I've pulled myself back together. I'm not sure completely, but it seems like the burden I carry for being trans is just a bit too much to bear at times.

Since then, I've had to celebrate the holiday with my biological relatives. I knew this was going to be a struggle when I left to visit them. The first night wasn't bad, but I got wind of plans for a "family get together" the next night. This was different as it was to include my father's surrogate daughter, her husband and newborn son.

I left the apartment early and didn't show up until after things were already going. I tried in vain to find anyone to give me an excuse to not return, I also tried shopping, movies, and driving around my old neighborhoods. I eventually returned, and only then, was it after wasting time at a local pub drinking beer, and debating whether or not to cut myself in the bathroom stalls. When I finally left, I walked outside and a chilling rain was dumping large drops onto my head and face. I looked up and just started laughing and letting it hit me for a bit. I wasn't upset at the rain, I was ecstatic for it as it reminded me of all things Seattle. Cold, wet, rain. It was cloudy, humid, and 80* when I went into the bar. I drove back in an ecstacy of tire spin and hooliganism on empty wet roads.

When I got inside, I said my hellos and gave meaningless hugs. I don't remember many of the nondramatic details. At one point, my father interrupted a conversation between my brother and I, so we could be sure and watch him take pictures of his surrogate grandchild. The impact of this, on my brother and I, is apparently lost on my father. After emotionally abandoning us to her, he still invites her over as if he had done nothing wrong. I appeased the bile and rage I felt and continued my escapism with my brother and his girlfriend. At some point, sentences by cisgender women began "As a woman". At this point, I felt I had to run to the bathroom for fear of hearing how that conversation would turn out. I bargained with myself in said bathroom to only do two more cuts. Exiting, sane again, I rejoined and continued a very shallow consciousness until the night eventually ended.

Christmas day came and went largely unnoticed. Gifts were appreciated, but nothing I could not easily live without. Especially considering they mean so little coming from people I've no real emotional connection to anymore. The entire time I kept hearing the theme of "it isn't about you" echoed by various people. I was forced into taking pictures I didn't want to be a part of, and instead of understanding that I didn't want photo's taken, I was patronized and told I'd eventually want them. I sincerely doubt this. Lack of connection aside, why would I want photos of me at my worst? The whole event shows a huge lack of understanding on their part, and a dismissal of my feelings.

At the end of the day, my brother repeated, again, the "not about you" mantra. What bothers me about this, is the sheer hypocrisy of the statement from him. I have lived these past 7 years completely for my parents. I answered every call, I cut spending when I told to, I came down when they asked, I did favors, I helped out where I could. I took out loans to help pay for my tuition and living expenses. I do everything I can to placate, and make their lives easier. Now, having graduated, and finally free from whoring myself out for their support, I can relax, be myself, and not do anything, I don't want to do. Meanwhile, my brother has done the complete antithesis of this, to the point that my parents either A, don't bother calling him as he never answers, or B, rant to me about how they can't get in contact with him. The nerve, gall, and hypocrisy of him telling me to do anything for the sake of them asking me to, is absurd and complete bullshit.

I've since vowed I will never return to celebrate any holiday out of obligation or guilt. Especially not with them. I want to celebrate with an actual family, one that when I leave I feel sadness, not relief. People I have an actual emotional connection and investment in, not a glorified financial planner and debt collector. The same applies to both sides of my family, I'd almost rather not take their gifts and cut off contact from them, than to have to remain attached to them because of material possessions.

That said, I am back home now, and feeling much more like myself now. Healing up, again, as per the usual.

Frailty

I've been crying a lot more it seems. Well, at least more regularly. I've been reminiscing  about my childhood, watching old cartoons from when I was a kid, and just remembering a lot of things with a new perspective. Just before I tried to go to bed I kept thinking about all the things I'm denied by birth. I'll never know what it is like to grow up female. I'll never experience a girls locker room, I'll never get to gossip with other girls over trivial bullshit. I know it is petty, and that most girls won't say any of these things are really hallmarks of their life, but they shouldn't have been hallmarks in mine as well.

This speaks to the larger, longing to which I've come to succumb to. That of the normal, cisgender female. While, I'm pretty sure just about every trans girl ever to have been has longed for this, I find it is the smaller details and memories that I miss out on that bother me more than the physical aspects of my body these days. Not that my body is particularly appealing to me still, but at least that is progressing. There is no way I can gain those memories and experiences.

I find it strange that during these lows I still get suicidal notions. Being out of my depression it is obviously less of an actuality, but the fantasy is still there. Maybe I should stop watching the wonder years, though I find I get similar themes in other shows from my childhood, things I don't remember feeling when I watched them at the time, but that I know where there...hidden, deep inside. I'm glad I can remember those emotions, but I can't bear them full on. The intensity of them scared me when I first pushed into those emotional memories and I'm hesitant to test how strong those currents run, lest they take me with them.

I'm not sure this is something I can face. There are few things I'm scared to deal with in my life, confronting my father on his emotional neglect, facing the explicit limitations of being trans,  and apparently the depth of how much I've hidden away from myself over the past 12 years of hiding. I knew I was good at faking normality, escapism, but I didn't think I'd actually been so good as to hide it from myself. Sometimes I find it amazing that I'm alive at all.

Obligations

Oh the holidays, what a useless period of time. I'm actually a big fan of what the holidays stand for, but it is another one of those things that I seemingly do without. The holidays are in general a huge source of conflict for me. While I'm grateful that my family relatives accept me for who I am, there is a growing disconnect between them and my life. The more time that passes, the less I feel any connection with them in my life. Aside from their support, and blood relation, I really don't see a binding tie between us. I just get this lingering feeling that they don't understand, and that something is missing. Looking back it seems that the notion of family left around sometime in my teenage years.

Specifically on Thanksgiving, it has become more and more about the food for me, and since it is usually pretty crappy food, I see no real desire to go outside of obligations. This is a notion that I think carries through to the rest of my relatives. People arrive, eat/finish the preparations, wait around for ten minutes, then leave. No one really wants to be there, they simply have to be out of obligations. Which makes me wonder what the point really is aside from keeping up some asinine gesture towards being a normal family, when, we aren't really at all. Everyone keeps secretes from each other, no one says what they mean, or secretly want. All of my relatives keep each other at such a huge distance that, I just can't help but feel isolated from them.

Which brings me to connections, love, really. I think about those that I truely care for, the people who alter my existence by simply being in my life. When I apply this to my relatives, there really is nothing beneficial there outside of financial support. Yes, I know they love me, but lately, I find that this is more because we are relatives, and not simply because we love each other. If they were just another couple, taking in a poor transgirl, I don't think my perspective or feelings would change much. This differs greatly from the people I consider my family, who inspire me to greatness, and make me want to be a better person.

So, the holidays feel more like a hassle, given the process I have to dance around to satisfy both sides of my relatives. It simply has no meaning left for me anymore, between the materialization, bad food, false pretenses and fake emotions, I really see no harmony in the season.

This lies on top of my own issues with family, and the feelings of loneliness that accompanies everything. There isn't anyone among my family that understands my issues, what it is like to be unable to bear children, for example, or dealing with hate groups and systemic discrimination. This all just leads to a feeling of alienation.

Lastly, I get feelings of guilt built up from everyone. From my friends who are envious that I get to spend time with my relatives, or indirectly from other transpeople who don't have families that accept them, or are no longer around. I get pushed from everyone to participate in these holidays because apparently one day they will no longer be around. Yet, for me, they haven't been around, nor will they be around, for me. They are just strangers who share DNA. In exchange for financial support (for the time being) I give them a the time of day, and my presence, for a little while if nothing more.

I feel no greater connection than that, which, as we know, is quite lonely. I think it is more, simply, time to move on with my life. I know, better than most, what a true family is, and what it is not.

The Death Card

"The Death card, in tarot, marks ends and beginnings. Although most illustrations
of the Death card tend to be morbid, the forces behind the Death card
are actually quite exciting. Yes Death does mark the end of something.
But ends are often brought about by completion and not loss. Most
endings are actually good, and make room for us to begin new adventures."



This card seems apt for this entry as it sums up many of my feelings on issues.

For one, I'm using it as a conclusion for my feelings towards my ex. The behavior displayed this last week has been that of someone who really doesn't care about me or my feelings. It is instead, the behavior of a rabid hedonists, and I am not going to let the misguided pursuits of someone else bother me any longer. Despite my feelings, as a cancer, I am not one to give myself over to those who harbor ill will towards me, intentional or not. I would like to proclaim a friendship here, but I'm not even sure what would be the point of it. I don't have any ill intention, it is just, I do not care, anymore.

I've been struggling with anger towards my past recently. The animosity towards my parents is still very much alive, but I find no resolution or fulfillment in dwelling on past circumstances. While I would love to lecture on about how much pain they have caused me, I don't know what purpose or good would come from it, other than making them feel horrible, and I do not wish that.

This is also the start of the end of this chapter in my life. So much lies ahead for me come 2011. I will have finished my education, and aside from a little debt, have no financial obligations or ties to where I am. I can move anywhere in the country (or out of it) and start a new existence. This is really the beginning of my adult life, and I am quite anxious to see where it goes. So the death card is quite appropriate, I'm ending an interest, and coming to the end of a huge chapter in my life. I'm not sure where I will end up, but, while there is some anxiety, It doesn't seem insurmountable

Ignition

So in short, things are heavy in negative emotion, and while this has as such, taken me out of my funk of blah, it isn't quite the direction I had aimed to take things in.

Now, having calmed down, and after a fitting crying fiasco, things are a bit clearer.

Sadness, basically, I miss being close to people. Being single is not in my nature, and recent activities have reminded me of that. Outings into the social world that are often unproductive reinforce this. A recent experience left me feeling vulnerable and overexposed. I lied, and went against my true feelings to correct those issues (and save face). I am very much a girl of loose morals in that I offer myself up emotionally to just about anyone, and when they decline (naturally for not being interested), I feel rejected and ugly, unwanted, and without value.

The anger, is more complex. I haven't forgiven myself for not telling my parents sooner. I regret being a coward and not having the courage to tell them something was wrong. I resent myself for trying to fit in, for conforming to what I thought my family wanted, and not being who I really was, and new myself to be. I have resentment and animosity towards my parents for seeing clues and not asking/saying anything about it. In that same vein, I resent them for not making my home feel safe and secure. A home is supposed to be a place of security and love, and for the majority of my time there I felt isolated, alone, caged, unloved, and rejected. The overbearing notion I remember from my home life was that of feeling judged. My parents were figures of authority, and not loved ones I could confide in.

I'm not sure where to go from here, getting it out of me is a start, but, anytime I try to vent this, there is a seemingly endless supply of rage to the question of "why me?". Why is this my journey. It isn't fair that I've this path when so many others do not. While I do have some great friends, I still can't help but feel they don't quite understand what it is like. This again, leaves me feeling alone, and isolated.

So to answer my own question a while back, why do I wear my heart on my sleeve so often? Because I've lived alone since I was born, emotional isolation and a lack of any real connection with anyone close to me. When I was in middle school I used to ponder why I failed to feel any real emotion, at least now I can place a cause to it. That being a lack of knowledge and education through experience with my parents, and from locking myself, and being locked away, emotionally from my parents by a vulnerability of being different/incongruent. In comparison with other trans women, I'm not sure what is worse, being confronted by your parents and fighting with them over it, or being ignored and overlooked by them, left to fiend for oneself.

Check Please

Sometimes I just feel like screaming, but such exuberant displays are not really my thing. So Instead I'll just rant on to people until I feel better. I think mostly though, is being tired of this situation. I'm tired of trying to bring people into my life, so I think from now on, if you don't want to be involved then don't bother. I don't want anyone here who doesn't want to be. Time and time again I've tried to tell people what is going on in my life, or tried to bring them into to be somehow involved. That doesn't really ever seem to work though. People are too wrapped up in their own worlds. Not that this is new, by any means, this has been going on since I was a child, people who are/were supposed to give a damn had better things to do.

What does that all have to do with all this? Well I'm just done trying, if you want to be a part of my life than make an effort, if not, don't sugar coat it, don't try and spare my feelings, because you're just dragging things out longer than necessary. Either be there, or don't, don't half ass it when it's convenient, and don't pretend to be there because you need something done.

So yes, check please, I'm done.

What's going on?

I'm not really sure what is up. I've recently just felt very defeated in everything. Despite my recent victory in getting my name changed, overall I just feel overwhelmed by it all. Tonight for example I spent four hours working on an outline for a research paper. I've had two weeks to do it, and while I still managed to get it done, I've never felt so hopeless in being able to actually finish it. I even went as far as seeing if I could drop the class if I needed to, and retake it or something else in the summer. I've only dropped a class once in my college career as it feels very regressive to me.

That isn't all though, Well known friends of mine have been messing up pronouns. I tolerate it when my parents mess up as they've known me for twenty years with a different identity, but these people haven't and are close enough to me to know better. I understand it is a slip, and that you apologize, but that doesn't make it hurt less. So even while I change my name, I'm still fighting these same battles, and it never feels like progress.

I think maybe I just need a vacation from school or stress, I don't know. I haven't been able to express myself lately, my guitar hasn't been used and my nails are growing out as evidence. Not that playing it was ever that great a form of self expression for me, but it does at least help to an extent.

My plans for the weekend entail going out with an old friend of mine who is bi-curious to a club and getting well....wasted. I am somewhat afraid of getting too drunk and putting the moves on her. Not that I'm particularly attracted to her (she's cute but not really my type), but just in that we're both rather hard up for some passion in our lives. Which I think ties into the above, in that perhaps I'm just so wound up that I'm nearing a tearing point.

I'm finding myself more and more fighting the old struggles against depression. While I find it is easier to not get sucked into the abyssal pits that I used to thanks to transitioning, the fundamental philosophical depression that I've subscribed to has still lingered along with me. With such a pessimistic, jaded and cynical view, it's hard to find much to enjoy in life. I guess I'm just looking for something passionate or beautiful, or someone to show me something like that.

Big News, Little News

It's been a while since I wrote, so I need to update on what is going on. For one, I've legally changed my name. It cost a good amount but I'm glad I went with a lawyer. I could have saved money, but I don't want to take any chances if I don't have to. Anyway, I love my name, and I think once I start getting forms that have it on there I will feel a bit more excited. I've had to mail out change of whatever forms to everyone and i'm still waiting on some things. I've heard some people have had good luck in getting their gender changed on their driver's licenses in Austin, so I'm going to go and try that and see if I can get someone to do me a favor.

Aside from that, spring break is over, and I've to get back to work. I went down to Houston to visit my dad and step-mom. It was good to see them again but they both (my dad in particular) struggled with pronoun and name issues, more so than normal. It was pretty disheatening to hear all the him, he, his, etc... It was one thing back when I was a bit more androdgenous, now, though, I'm much more feminine and even now have my name legally that of a girls.

It's things like that, that make me not want to go back. I know they are trying, but it is still troublesome.

No real news on romance, The occasional wild make out romp, but nothing new and extraordinary, though still enjoyable.

Cancers

I've been reading up on my sign. I've always been somewhat of a cancer poster-girl. I am also however, at a bit of a challenge with it. Not that it is inaccurate, but in it's poignancy. One of the things cancer stresses is family and motherhood. Two things that I am don't get the privilege of experiencing, not in a genetic sense anyway. Coming to terms with the fact that no one will ever share my DNA, and that I won't have that link, is taking longer than I thought it would. Even now I don't feel it has fully set in yet. I think to an extent that sorrow is too much for me, and I'm keeping it at a distance.

In love? Well, that isn't really an issue these days. I miss the closeness, but, I think pursuing that when I know it isn't genuine runs false to my constitution. It's very enjoyable, but I've never been one for causality in love. Unfortunately, a college campus, is not a place to find people who express similar interests.

It seems the stars are not with me in these matters.

Conclusions

So this past Saturday I managed to tell my grandparents about what was going on. While I expected a whole showdown, it was actually rather anticlimactic. They said they had suspected for awhile, and besides a few "why can't we be normal" comments, it was rather civilized.

Aside from that, I'm entertaining a new interest. What I find remarkable however, is the striking difference between this, and my past relationship. The little things that annoyed me, or bothered me about my ex, don't seem to with this new interest. I'm not quite sure why, though I think some of it has to do with the physicality of it all. I'm sure some of it is being more comfortable in myself, I think a good portion of it is hir.

We aren't exclusive or anything, and neither of us really know what we are wanting, but for now, I'm just enjoying the closeness, and the warmth of having someone to lay next to. I'm not sure where it may lead to, and I don't think I am wanting another relationship so soon after this latest fiasco. Looking back at that, I want to say it was probably the worst relationship I can remember. In just overall negativity, but it was a good break away point from the past I think. While I'm not sure anything can be salvaged from that, it's at least memorable. I know now that physicality of a relationships can't be forced.

It is strange being intimate again, and...I'm not sure how to react to it. I'm still figuring things out, so I may update on that later on this week. As it is however, I am feeling pretty good, I no longer have to conceal things within my family anymore, and I can be free for most of my days.

Life after the Holidays

All in all, the holidays weren't to bad. I managed to get some things I needed, a few I didn't, but a decent haul that makes life a bit better. One of the main detractors was that I won't be able to go on my vacation to Colorado since I can't find people to come with me. I am sure as hell not going up there by myself, and those who have the money don't have the time. I really needed to get away from things but...I don't see any real way of doing that except for just distance and time.

The week was a mix of pronouns and names for me. Something that will hopefully be better next year.

My emotions have been all over the place lately, I've been letting my depression seep into times when I would normally hide it. My mom noticed, though quickly dismissed. It's unusual, but then, I feel a growing awareness of my being jaded towards relationships. Given the recent events, I don't see that as a surprise. I worry about how things will be after graduation. Loneliness is always something I've struggled with, and I don't see THAT getting better anytime soon. I'm somewhat afraid that things will just get more and more extreme until I end up in a dangerous situation.

I'd originally typed out a long thing about my relationships, and remembering (un)fulfilling ones. But, every relationship has its fruit to bare.

It seems my sadness and anger over recent past events has subsided now to just a slow depression and pessimism that haunts everything I do. It sucks, but at least it is familiar. I at times get urges to write to my ex about hir perception of our relationship, and it not being favorable of me, but...then I just wonder what the point would be. Which is the question that I'm now forced to ask of everything I do.

Side note: I'm also trying very hard to remain sober, I'll keep you updated on this bit.

Outlook: Not So Good.

I'm not sure where to begin. I'm a mess. I could barely watch the movie Up without crying hysterically through the whole thing. Not that it is exceptionally sad, but the idea it offers for a narrative hits a sore spot for me. This was compounded by a rather surprising and serious conversation with a good friend of mine in regards to our as of yet unlabeled relationship. We've had feeling for each other for a while off and on, but recently started getting together more often. This led to said conversation, which ended with the conclusions that telling her family about us would likely destroy us as a couple, and fears of her being a rebound, and my concern of my issues effecting her family and her family life. So it seems I'm destined to be an under-the-table fuck at best, and distant friends at worst. Which, well I've get all the distant friends I can just about stand at this point.

I really shouldn't drink anymore. It's turning into a nasty catalysts for my negative emotions. I won't be able to see my therapist again over the holidays, which is complicating things. I really don't feel up to dealing with the holidays and all this bullshit. The irony of spending quality family time when I feel completely alone somehow seems to escape everyone except me.  My family is great and all, but they're akin to pets, you love them, but they don't comfort you at night. Much like my many other distant friends, they advertise their openness and willingness to help, but there isn't a supporting relationship there to facilitate said communication. I feel emotionally battered, between my own self destruction, and other people's negligence and indifference, there simply isn't much left.

What Emotional Problems?

In an effort to provide more content, I present to you, another entry. 

Today went decently, I went to therapy to discuss everything that has been on my mind, and ended up scheduling another one right after the first one just to get things out of my head. Unfortunately she is taking 3 weeks off around Christmas, so she asked me to enter into a verbal contract (her words) in which I wouldn't do anything self destructive for the next six sessions. I agreed, and hopefully won't have to test it.

I finally got through reading Questionable Content, All 1547 issues of it. It started off as a rather obscure indie music comic but turned into a full on romantic comedy that I fell in love with. If you have about two weeks to spare reading, I highly suggest it. Now though I'm finally going to finish some novels that have been escaping me for the entire semester and summer.

I went to a Jazz Combo concert last night, and it really made me want to start playing again, but my options (much like my love life) are few and far between. If I don't dust things off they are going to start getting cobwebs.

Aside from that, no real news. My mother is being illogical. I haven't talked to my brother since last Wednesday, I'd like to go up and play some drums since I have to drive up to Austin on Friday anyway, but I'm somewhat afraid of/dissuaded from putting up with his bullshit.

I think I finally found at least one Christmas gift, ready for this? I need a small trash can for my bathroom. Yeah...that is all I have so far.

RE:gressions

So where to begin, well, things have regressed a good degree. I'm going to see my therapist again tomorrow afternoon to hopefully get some things figured out. Some people I thought were good friends turned out to be either complete idiots, or completely self absorbed. Regardless, it put me in a rather bleak mental state. This bleak state depressed me as a step backwards, which only fed on itself as negativity, which...well you can see the snowball forming.

Anyway, I'm recovering from that slowly, but surely. I fear I've fallen back into a state of depression though, (staying in bed all day, not caring about things, etc). I've been asked to find things to want for Christmas, but I honestly can't bring myself enough to care about anything enough to value it, over the effort involved in unwrapping/throwing away the associated paper products. Such is the state of my being.

I'm not sure if I've talked about this, but the hormones have just about killed off all of my sex drive, which in itself is a wonderful thing for me. However, these past three weeks or so have been very heavy in the emotional trauma department. This has made me...um...well lets just say...in need. The issue is though, how to go about solving it, it isn't a physical desire anymore (where as it used to be akin to the desire to really have to pee after a large drink), but more an emotional attachment/intimacy issue. So, I've found myself inviting people over with an underlying ulterior motive on my part, though it seems to be underneath most people's radar.

Which leads me to another point: Being trans, I don't feel comfortable just hitting on anyone I see. I identify as Pan-Sexual, but that doesn't mean everyone is going to be comfortable having a trans-woman hit on them. So I basically have to wait until someone initiates things. The overall effect is that I don't have a great deal of romantic/sexual interests.

However, combined with loosing what I thought were some good friends, and not having a significant other, I feel alone a lot of the time. I don't feel there are a lot of people that are close to me. Yes I have a good amount of great friends, who have helped me immensely during this most recent crisis, but I don't feel that my relationship with them is at that close of a level. I'm wanting an intimate relationship, and no one fills that/those spots anymore.

So getting back to the main issue, this pushed me back down on the mental stability chart to violent/hysterical crying. One thing I have noticed is that while I could shrug things off, and turn most things outwards before hormones (projecting anger when hurt, though I never really did that well) now I simply absorb everything and implode from the inside out. This makes me much more unstable when running highly emotional, as some people may know already.

Anyway, onto another subject, Thanksgiving was nice. It was the first time I've had one out of the closet. Everyone was very nice and understanding. My brother was fine up until everyone left when he apparently reverted to his asshole/douche-bag self. There was an expected curtailing of pronouns and names to fit my grandmother, but they tried, and I know it is a work in progress. I just hope it isn't something I end up having to drag out of them like it seems to be on my mother's side of the family.

One important issue did arise however, one that I though previously solved. I was offered financial funding to store my sperm in case I wanted to use it later. I had previously Kiboshed the idea because I didn't have nearly the money to do so, and wanted to start on my hormones without waiting X years until I had the money. However, now that the funding has been offered by my Step-Mothers sister Janel (who I adored regardless of offer). This has reopened a door I successfully closed and trotted over on my transition process.  The main issue here is having to stop my hormones for a length of time, as it is, my sperm count is probably nigh zero. I'd give anecdotal evidence, but I don't think lurid details of my masturbatory process are desired. So I would need to stop my hormone treatment for probably at least a month, something I am reluctant to do.

I know in the long run I would appreciate having done so, but it isn't as simple as that, storing the sperm now, would mean storing chemically altered sperm, my body chemistry is no longer that of a genetic male, and thus from my research, will increase the potential for birth defects.  This brings about an ethical question, do I have any right to bring a being into the world, fully knowing that it has an increased rate of being defective because of my own personal choices? Fully knowing the other options available for child raising (adoption, etc), can I ethically go through with it?

Granted just by saving it, doesn't mean I will have to use it, but then it becomes an argument of stopping my treatments, in order to fulfill the option of a choice in the future that I don't have the moral grounds to use/excise anyway...It is an interesting debate.

Awakening

Okay, So I've been MIA, and for that I apologize, but writing has always been an expression of negative emotions for me, so in this case, no news is good news.

But, for a change, this is a note on positive change. So I've started HRT; I started on my birthday with testosterone blockers, and had my first injection the week after, next Thursday will be month two, and when people say the changes are noticeable. I however, have already seen some changes. I hope this means I will progress rapidly. I've always felt my body was potentially genetically aimed to take well to HRT, and this seems to confirm that...however I know that it doesn't mean it is necessarily so.

Anyways, this is going to be a chaotic two years as I'm still going to school and flirting on both sides of the gender continuum. While my body becomes more female, i'm going to have to manage those changes along with my social/work/school life to maintain a sort of balance and sanity. Interesting feat indeed, if I can pull it off. However I have a fairly amazing support base, which I am very grateful for. My family is coming along, it is against the grain for some of them, but they are still progressing and getting used to it. My friends are, and always have been supportive and I love them for all that they do for me.

In short, things could be a lot worse. Not that everything is bright-sunshine-shoved-down-your-throat happy. My finances are in dire straits, and I've got to find a job ASAP, but ...I'm optimistic, and for the first time in awhile, despite the negatives, I feel good.  I know some of it is do to being independent again (I moved back out on my own for school), and it is very liberating. Its nice to be optimistic for a change.

I'm still managing these changes, and they aren't..easy, it isn't natural to me just yet, so there are some teething pains, but...I'm taking it as it comes, and dealing with what I can, when I can.

My romantic life is entertaining. I love my partner, and while we seem to have our issues, more so than I would like, we manage to work them out in a mature way, which is a nice change. Something still...irks me on the inside though, and while I still can't put my finger on it, even when I try to analyse it, it vexes me. I'll figure it out though...eventually lol.

So, now that I'm back...and sane, I should be around a bit more..well once I get my internet hooked up again anyway. For now, though, thats a wrap.

//Amelia

Nite owls

I procrastinate to much, I had all day to finish my statistics homework, and just now got around to doing it. Not that I wouldn't normally be up at this time anyways, but It would have been much more efficient to do so earlier...but oh well.

This month is going to be hectic. I have to find a job, pack up and move, move, finish up my classes, get ready for finals and try to maintain my sanity in doing so. Not that I ever had it to begin with.

Alas, though, like with everything, taking it a day at a time seems to be the best option. My mood is generally upbeat as of recent. I know it is in no small part to recent steps in transitioning, and also getting closer to a potential romantic interest. I won't elaborate to much on that, but it is nice being close to another gender queer individual. Though, i'm not placing long term goals on any relationship, I know the person is leaving (or wanting to leave) the state upon graduation, so it is what it is, and as it is, I plan to enjoy it while I can.

With that out of the way, things feel content? Complacent? It is an interesting phenomenon for me, as it isn't something I'm used to, and I'm weary of being growing stagnate, this journey was founded on the aversion to stagnation and decay, and now that life seems to be in a more pleasant situation, I'm not going to let things regress by apathy and lethargy.

So, what do I have planned to kick me in the ass and get me moving? Well Bobcat Ball of course. It is a party thrown by the GLBT social organization I'm a member of, and it also happens to be a giant drag show, so it isn't uncommon to see everyone in drag. This of course gives me an opportunity to not be in drag, but be outside in an acceptable place, but all dressed up. It should be a pretty good event this semester, though I'm interested to see just how it goes..cautious, but optimistic.

Which brings me to another point, I was recently reading on a Trans forum about deep stealth, semi stealth, and being out. For clarifacation, deep stealth is basically erasing your past as the gender before transition. The more I think about this, the more I feel I will be semi-stealth, in that I have no problem telling people who are accepting and loving. This brings about the point of the spread of knowledge, and how controlable it is. In years past, I spent an exuberant amount of energy controlling the flow of information about the subject. Now, being able to just let that energy go, is quite relieving, but it is still somewhat of a worry. In that, one only really desires the people who are going to be accepting to know, those who are unsupportive are better off left in ignorance.

That being said, I have no problems with complete strangers reading my blogs, so tell your friends lol.