One Last Chance

I don't know what I'm doing. Well, I do, but, I don't know why. I'm fighting with myself, when I already know the outcome of the events I'm setting into motion. I know there is no harm in planting seeds of ideas that I want to bloom, but I am almost positive they won't. That somehow doesn't stop me from getting upset that they still never bloom.

*sigh* perhaps I'm just inebriated, but, well I know I should stop drinking but, there are just things that seem to me to be in need of finishing, or at least..worth pursuing.

I think the egregious error in this case is that I've assigned a face to my longing, and in doing so have made things so impossibly unattainable that I can't hope but for a mediocre failure instead of a fantastic one.

It is probably best to forget such notions but...I dunno, it seems I've the fools drive of hope that despite something as sure as the sun burning I'll still long to see it smothered.

The trouble with moving on.

I've been thinking about why it is so difficult to move on at times. For me, It has to do with pouring a bit of your soul into someone.  You merge with them for a period of time (literal and metaphorical sense). When they leave for whatever reason, that part of you goes with them. You loose someone you used to do things with, someone who you shared things with, someone who used to spend so much time with. A large chunk of yourself, is lost in the process.

The issue with moving on, is that you have to voluntarily accept the loss of all those good things that you shared and put in. In the past, I've been a champion for the idea that you hold those memories with you, and that although you're now apart, you carry those with you everywhere.  The problem that I now take with that idea, is that while it is true, you loose having a partner to celebrate those memories with. Which still, does indeed suck.

I'm trying to get there though, it isn't something I can avoid or get around....I'm just not sure how to get through it....honestly,  and without convincing myself of things that probably aren't true.

I'm trying to maintain my sobriety on a different topic, which..isn't going so well.

Life after the Holidays

All in all, the holidays weren't to bad. I managed to get some things I needed, a few I didn't, but a decent haul that makes life a bit better. One of the main detractors was that I won't be able to go on my vacation to Colorado since I can't find people to come with me. I am sure as hell not going up there by myself, and those who have the money don't have the time. I really needed to get away from things but...I don't see any real way of doing that except for just distance and time.

The week was a mix of pronouns and names for me. Something that will hopefully be better next year.

My emotions have been all over the place lately, I've been letting my depression seep into times when I would normally hide it. My mom noticed, though quickly dismissed. It's unusual, but then, I feel a growing awareness of my being jaded towards relationships. Given the recent events, I don't see that as a surprise. I worry about how things will be after graduation. Loneliness is always something I've struggled with, and I don't see THAT getting better anytime soon. I'm somewhat afraid that things will just get more and more extreme until I end up in a dangerous situation.

I'd originally typed out a long thing about my relationships, and remembering (un)fulfilling ones. But, every relationship has its fruit to bare.

It seems my sadness and anger over recent past events has subsided now to just a slow depression and pessimism that haunts everything I do. It sucks, but at least it is familiar. I at times get urges to write to my ex about hir perception of our relationship, and it not being favorable of me, but...then I just wonder what the point would be. Which is the question that I'm now forced to ask of everything I do.

Side note: I'm also trying very hard to remain sober, I'll keep you updated on this bit.

Outlook: Not So Good.

I'm not sure where to begin. I'm a mess. I could barely watch the movie Up without crying hysterically through the whole thing. Not that it is exceptionally sad, but the idea it offers for a narrative hits a sore spot for me. This was compounded by a rather surprising and serious conversation with a good friend of mine in regards to our as of yet unlabeled relationship. We've had feeling for each other for a while off and on, but recently started getting together more often. This led to said conversation, which ended with the conclusions that telling her family about us would likely destroy us as a couple, and fears of her being a rebound, and my concern of my issues effecting her family and her family life. So it seems I'm destined to be an under-the-table fuck at best, and distant friends at worst. Which, well I've get all the distant friends I can just about stand at this point.

I really shouldn't drink anymore. It's turning into a nasty catalysts for my negative emotions. I won't be able to see my therapist again over the holidays, which is complicating things. I really don't feel up to dealing with the holidays and all this bullshit. The irony of spending quality family time when I feel completely alone somehow seems to escape everyone except me.  My family is great and all, but they're akin to pets, you love them, but they don't comfort you at night. Much like my many other distant friends, they advertise their openness and willingness to help, but there isn't a supporting relationship there to facilitate said communication. I feel emotionally battered, between my own self destruction, and other people's negligence and indifference, there simply isn't much left.

To Hell with Creative Expression.

It has been awhile since I've written, and I'm not in the most stable of moods (am I ever?). I just can't seem to muster up the motivation to do anything anymore. I make appointments, and I go to them, I schedule classes, and I go to them. I do the work, I repeat.

I've recently come to discuss the status of two questions, or rather, debate the meaning and implication behind one question, which is really the only true philosophical question worth asking. As others put it "well I'm alive, so now what do I do with my life". My version is "well being alive is optional, so now what do I do with my life". So, I've gone about a search looking for reasons, and well, the question has no true answer that anyone can give me. While I imagine most people are content to let their lives continue on like a piece of meat left out to rot, with no real meaning or purpose, I am less so driven. As I have said before, the end result is all the same, so why bother going through it at all?

But I digress from self-righteous depressed rantings on suicidal ambitions and the futility of life.

The title of this post comes from my lack of ability to express myself. Not in said, written psychological methods, but in creative emotional outlet form. My guitar playing has good technique, but its composition is garbage. Graphic art has never really had the direct emotional release I am looking for, and was never my real strong point. I've thought about creative writing, but while I have some ideas brewing around, I don't have the infrastructure to put them all together, much less in any emotionally relieving form. So what does that leave me with? Well, a beer for one, as it seems to make the world a bit more tolerable. Though my alcoholic brother can attest to that much, it doesn't much solve the problem.

In closing, two quotes.

"How weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable

 Seem to me all the uses of this world!" - Hamlet, Act I, scene ii, lines 133-138 [Hamlet]

&

"...because no matter what, no matter how much money you make, no matter
how many gowns you bone, no matter how many times you groove like
NOBODY ever grooved before, in a hundred years or so, your dust.
Crumbling soot in a pine box, that our loved ones went all out for so
that you could be, crumbling soot in a pine box" - Highway, Johnny the Fox

..i'm such a perky gal.

Financial Backing (out)

Well, life just got a bit more stressful. I've got a laundry list of things to do on my plate, and I will be glad once this semester is over. I have to register for Grad School tomorrow, yet I don't know how I am going to go about financing it. The plan I had is apparently...not going to work anymore. If I can get my assistantship I can cover my living expenses, but that doesn't say much about the tuition bill. So I am going to have to find some other sources of income for that. I really don't want to take out a loan to do so, but It is a last resort if I must.

I was upset about the news because it doesn't seem fair in my book, but that is life, and i'm not going to rant on about the fairness of the system that rewards those who abuse it. I've worked harder, and more diligently than the rest, and i'm rewarded by financial punishment.  If that isn't enough to demotivate a girl I don't know what is.

It is what it is however, and I just have to live with it. Much like everything else I deal with, it is just more added onto the top of the mountain. At least I've climbed up a bit higher recently, I started my electrolysis. While it isn't...fun per say, it isn't terrible. I found good practitioner with decent rates, and it will hopefully not take to long. I've got two appointments already scheduled, so that is an interesting bit.

There is just so much stress going on in my life, and I can't seem to focus on what I need to get done at all. I work well under pressure, but that is assuming I can actually focus on what I have to do, which right now should be studying for an exam tomorrow, but I just can't focus on the material.

And on a last sad note, I think I may be becoming an alcoholic. Though I've caught it, and don't plan on letting it get out of control (i've always had good self discipline), at least now I can say I know why lol.