On finding Balance *updated*

*Updated to reflect this past weekend*

I love balance, I love harmony, and how things synergize when they flow together. That may just be my cancer roots, but having things feel balanced is very cathartic and enjoyable for me.

That isn't to say life isn't stressful, or annoying, or frustrating. But, when things are harmonious it seems so incredibly manageable. That is how things feel now, I think my partner and I we have found a nice balance (this past weekend withstanding) in our relationship in the amount of time we contribute and extract out of each other.

There are still things I desire out of our situation, but, the obsession and desperation is gone, thankfully. I still want to be collared, and have that intense D/S relationship aspect that we don't really have at the moment. We at the moment have a very limited sexual relationship, and as I grow more comfortable with myself, around hir, I'm wanting that experience and emotional engagement. I'm not pressured on this however, though when I tell other people that near 5 months into this relationship, that we still haven't slept together (or whatever kink fuck term you would like), most seem pretty astonished by it.

Some of this, I feel, is in my inexperience as a sub, and knowing how to instigate, inspire, and be assertive, without feeling an incongruence (lack of harmony, to stick with our theme from today) in that identity and the power I give. I often feel like it is out of place or line to pounce, or instigate things. It is something I'm learning to adapt around, but albeit slowly.

This is a great relief to me in the face of ongoing financial and healthcare stressors. I find myself being pulled beyond my means, and without a great deal of answers. Do I not go to the doctor, or do I simply not pay off my debt? It isn't that I can't pay my bills, I can, it is just that the means and ability to do so, is very thin.

I manage this largely out of neglect for other things. My car, for one, is an unabashed orgy of illegality at the moment. I have neither the funds to fix these things, or to maintain it. While this works, now, it isn't sustainable, and it isn't smart. Yet, until I find other options, what choice do I have.

On this past weekend, my partner and I spent the better part of 48 hours together, and as of now, I feel a bit oversaturated and drained. This is the first time I have felt as such, and don't want to attribute it to hir, but more the activities we were doing (video games and being silly). It isn't that I don't enjoy those things, but just that I need variety/pauses between endless tirades of World of Warcraft.

It may also be a partial response to the lack of romance and affection over the course of the weekend. Not that I was expecting anything in particular, but the affection energizes me and my involvement in the relationship. In this instance, we were both very casual and silly, which brings us closer together, but not necessarily in a romantic way. Which may explain the draining feeling after everything.

For example, when I think about say, going out with hir today, I hesitate, feeling like I just don't have the energy, where as normally I jump at the chance. 

Diagnosis

My nightmares continue, with varying degree of intensity. I'm not quite sure just what to make of them. Everyone seems to have differing opinions of what they mean, and I have my own. I've asked my brother, randomly, after the night before last's had me wake up crying. Having these is very unusual for me, and I can't say I care for them. Still, writing them down, and trying to get to the bottom of them has been ...interesting. I digress however, as the dreams merely set my tone.

Things ....just are. I'm not sure in what direction every day goes. I've since moved in with some friends of mine, and for the time being we are coexisting just fine. That may change when they find someone to eventually take over this room (and pay their share of the rent) and I'm forced to then share a marginally larger room. For now though, I'm trying quite hard not to dwell on things, and keep the brooding at bay as best I can.

I find myself in new situations that I'm not sure I'm comfortable with in terms of emotional security. I think what I'm afraid of is being yet again unrequited, or uncherished. Something that I see happening pretty commonly with the people I've known in the kink community before. I'm looking for that in depth emotional relationship, and while I can provide that in spades, I'm afraid if I do so, I'll not get it back in return. This complicates things with my asexuality. Where as some people find it easy to have multiple partners, and play with multiple people, I simply am not attracted to most other people, and thus have no real urge or motivation to be involved with them.

This all would be largely not an issue, if I weren't so attached to someone. I don't like falling, not like this. I feel helpless in it, and it scares me. Which, is fairly twisted to have a submissive romantic being scared of someone their attracted to their attraction to someone. I find myself inventing ways to distance myself from hir in case something happens. In some ways it's fascinating being so attracted to someone for the first time, but it also terrifies me.

I'm not going out of my way to find meaning where there isn't any, or artificially inflate a new relationship simply because it exists. I don't think my attraction is symbolic, or that fate or any other large laissez-faire motion is behind it. However I do find it significant in the history of my life. I find myself falling into habits I've never done before, things I noticed my partners doing in previous relationships, but never did myself. (I'm hugely guilty of staring uncontrollably like a school girl).

So, while I have tried hard not to be bothered by things, I do find myself worrying about my own emotional security. I'm beginning to suspect that my feelings are a bit more advanced as well, but that could be simple communication issues. I often find myself trying to find meaning in simple gestures. Waiting for hir to initiate contact, simple things, that I know I blow out of proportion and don't really mean much more beyond what I assign them in meanings. The problem lies in that I'm wanting them to mean things, in which they really don't. If I desired communication I can simply ask for it and get it, but trying to decipher hir meanings and feelings through the internal debate over who initiates the first contact of any given day is teenage, immature, and childish. I know this, but still find myself doing it. Another habit new to me, worrying.

I know I can't manifest feelings where there are none, or exacerbate them into any more genuine or intense to match mine. Mine are mine, and hir's are hir's, regardless. However I do think I'm downplaying how intense my feelings are to myself, to hir.

This intensity seems both amazing and premature. I find it highly suspect for occurring in such a short period of time. Normally my attractions occur much later (if ever) and my courtships are much longer (and drawn out), but at the same time, I've not felt such an intensity for a long time, if ever, and that has me bewildered, befuddled, and really fucking confused. My fears revolving around such are that said feelings won't be returned in kind, the hurt that lies therein, and also that these feelings, once gone, will never return if said happens.

Though, being in the poly community, I begin to wonder if this revolves around my fundamental failure to understand how polyamoury truely works. I find myself asking if love is a limited thing. Is it a finite resource that can be spread thinly among a few people, or intensely to just on person. Or, contrary, is it an infinite resource for people who can have intense emotional relationships with more than one person. From one who rarely has them to begin with, the idea of having multiple is flabbergasting and insane to me. My inexperience in such can easily be the source of this insecurity and the associated behaviors. Being one who finds most people unattractive, and most relationships to be close emotional bonds with no actual attraction or emotional intensity, the finding and discovery of such, can, and does, often feel overwhelming.

There in, lies the issues and catharsis. While no one is an island, in and un to themselves. These days, I find the ocean that separates one person from another is greater than all the miles between the stars in the sky. With the only petty tools we have to share emotional ideas being our own imperfect communication, I find it miraculous that anyone ever finds love at all without falling apart into the shambles of insecurity and uncertainty. But then, Maybe I'm just that poor trans girl who still believes no one will ever truely love her.

Where to begin

Since leaving school I've often felt that I've lost a bit of my intelligence, at least in concerns of what I studied. A reasonable assertion I think, but, one of the other things I've noticed is that I seem to be loosing my emotional speech as well. I find it more difficult to pin down or express myself than I used to be able to.

This may be do to my not going to therapy anymore, but that seems to be an over-simplification of the issue.

One thing I do know is that I am still escaping regularly. I don't think I've sat to introspect in a good while and I'm not sure just what has built up in here. I have depression symptoms occasionally, but, they are vastly more inconsistent than they used to be. My appetite, for example, is even more sporadic than normal, and my habit of going days on end without eating has largely subsided. I'm just not sure what is going on these days.


I'm sure some of this has to due with still getting myself settled and established in a new city, obviously, but on the other hand, some of it feels different now. I know a good portion of my issues are stress and career related. I'm still terrified of not finding a position here, and what the consequences of that might be. I've made half jokes and disparaging comments towards escorting, but I would be far from the first or the last trans girl to end up doing things she didn't want to in order to survive.

In talking to a friend of mine the other night the topic came up, and got me thinking about just how my life would be altered by having to do that, and what would happen to my already fragile sense of self and urge for progression. If feeling stagnate drove me to attempt suicide years ago what will regression feel like?

I'm trying to not even consider that as an option. I have a ways to go before that happens, but I don't like not having an escape plan or a way out. Still, a day at a time so to speak. Things are still being resolved. I've gotten the loneliness issue somewhat abated, but it still lingers like a bad smell. The main issue I'm having at the moment is still financial and intimacy related. Not for a lack of opportunities, but it just seems the potential connections in my life are temporary distractions at best. My hopes for someone local are still somewhat dim. Until then, things are largely left ignored and forgotten as they remain to painful to ponder.

In that same conversation with a friend, he suggested I use the time to rediscover/reinvest in my passions. I couldn't think of what my passions are, I have a few hobbies, but..they don't drive my existence, they don't...excite me. Perhaps that is worth investigating, but, I haven't had any real passion in my life for as long as I can remember. I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up (aside from a girl), I never joined any activity clubs, I mainly did the things my friends did. One can't be passionate about being a follower.

Still, at least things are still progressing, chaotically, if nothing else.

Machinations

The routine of things is starting to get to me. I find in my escapism I loose track of entire days at a time. I don't find this to be positive. I don't think I've actually sat and thought about life in a couple of months. It is just too painful to do at the moment. I've moved on from strangers who can't handle transwomen. It isn't that I think it won't hurt me next time, but more that the pain from that experience has been buried and healed over. As things are want to do.

My family life is deteriorating. My ability to care about the elder members is severely diminished, even the lamentations of my mother seems to fall on deaf ears these days. I just can't seem to find any capacity to really care about such terrible people. My mother in particular seems to prove to me that she has no concept of integrity at every turn.  My cousins, and my brother, and the only relatives I really muster up feelings for. I believe this is mainly because they have much better character traits even among their vices.  They have their issues, but they aren't ones to judge. I still don't feel any real connection to them, but I don't actively wish to disassociate with them like I do the rest of the family.

I've been flirting with people lately, mainly those who I know will reciprocate, even in vain. I'm not quite sure what is driving me to seek their reassurance. Perhaps it is just nice to enjoy the company of others now and then. My other relationships, one in particular, are tentatively disruptive and disturbing. It isn't that I wish harm to this person, I just have no desire to actively be around or involved with hir at this point in my life. I think it is still too painful.

In the meantime, I'm aching to leave Texas. It seems I can't leave soon enough. The job search however seems to keep pushing me back to square one, no matter how fruitful a particular lead or position seems to be. I know this is something I must get used to, job searching it seems is a definition in futility and frustration. It is difficult to not let the excitement of possibility and the frustration of disappointment get to me. In addition, I have trouble expressing the negative emotions because I don't want to let it get to me since it is likely going to happen multiple times.

My depression is still in a strange...unusual hidden state. I am attributing this to my living conditions, I don't feel normal while I'm in this house. I feel like I've regressed into my actress stage where I pretend nothing bothers me and everything is fine. This repression tends to erupt violently and I'm dreading what happens when it does. That said, this house is not good for me, and I may find ways to leave it for good regardless of employment or specific deadlines. I know my mother thinks I'm joking when I talk about working the street, I don't think she grasps my distaste for this environment. It sickens me to be here, and to see what it is doing to me.

Tampons

I know that simply moving into a new environment doesn't solve any old problems, as it just puts them in a new environment. I'm really beginning to feel though, that if I can't get out of Texas, that things won't really get better. I'm in a drastic need of a new situation. A place to begin again, and remake myself...again. Not that it will be easy, but my motivation to stay in this place is threadbare, and no one is really making me want to stay. This place doesn't foster the kind of friends I want to have. While they are great in their own way, it isn't what I'm looking for, nor has it been for a long time.

I'm not sure if my decline in mood is attributed to my living alone, or a combination of other things. I'm inclined to think it is stress, along with lonliness. I'm glad I have another concert tonight, being shoved into a small cluster of humans sounds like exactly the type of subtle human connection that will do me good.

I got my period today. I thought about how to phrase this, and whether to publicize it, but I think it fits best here. I know many cisgender women would be quick to criticize a transwoman saying that, but transwomen bleed just as often. We do just as much work to hide it, tolerate, and deal with. The only real difference being that one is genetic, and the other self inflicted. I debated posting a "tampon" picture on facebook of the aftermath, but it would probably generate the type of attention I'm not looking for. The notion is something I very much want to spread, but as much as it appeals to me, I think much of the message would be lost in favor of inquiring about my state of mind and self destructive habits.

Anyway, I'll update again tonight or tomorrow and hopefully will be feeling better.

A farewell note

I'm writing this on the eve of a two week vacation, and it can't come soon enough. I was mildly entertained by the idea of leaving at first, but now, I NEED to get away.

Tonight, I ended up putting myself in a position to relive recent romantic excursions with my ex. I understand why, but there are two distinct moments in which I felt both immense satisfaction and fullness, and then complete obliteration and grotesqueness. The former, came before things became sexually involved, but at the first kiss. Earlier in the night I had almost cried when I wanted to be close to hir, but fought the urge. The latter, came at the end of the sexual escapades when I asked if this changed anything. I already knew the answer, as I'm sure you all can infer as well.

The two expeditions were separated by a brief period of solitude in a bathroom for me to wonder what the fuck I was doing.  I knew what I wanted, but I also knew that the odds of it being how I wanted, were slim. As things became more sexual in nature, I knew early on that things felt different. Compared to earlier during the first kiss when I felt that fluttering joyous panic of happiness, here was only forced interest, routine, mandated petting, and a distinct lack of passion. Wherein I knew that was a sign to stop, I nevertheless charged forward, ignoring my instincts.

Where does that leave us now, well I've cried, and still have a good amount more to go, but after going from regret to shame, to anger, I've felt the quick drain of any love I had there flow out of me only to be replaced by spite and resentment. I feel used, overexposed, taken advantage of, unappreciated, dumb, embarrassed, contaminated, dirty, hurt...just hurt.

Moving On, or Moving Out.

I think I'm beginning to grow weary of the community at this college. Not just the GLBTs that I pal around with, but the atmosphere in general is one of mediocrity.  I won't bother going on with examples, but suffice to say that the population of this university doesn't intellectually impress me. They are lazy minds, slaves to easy ignorance and biases.

This distaste for the college isn't divorced from the GLBT movement though. Recently I've grown very disillusioned, jaded, and cynical towards the community here. Some of it is brought on by the underclassmen, some of it from those who are supposed to be giving back to the community, and some of it is from myself as well. I mentioned before that I considered leaving the US because of the hostile climate and culture here, and it is only magnified in Texas. The hopelessness I feel towards having little effective change is only exacerbated by the lack of commitment from the younger generation. Everyone seems to have their own agenda, and I've begun questioning the character of people who I used to think were good friends. Nobody seems to care about the community anymore, and their apathy is reflected in my own cynicism.

I've thought about taking my last semester in Austin just as a reprieve from this, but, I'm not sure that is an answer to this.

Things in general are just...negative. This distaste of the community, the lack of intellectual stimulation, the loneliness, and the destitute nature of college life are beginning to wear deeply on me.

Check Please

Sometimes I just feel like screaming, but such exuberant displays are not really my thing. So Instead I'll just rant on to people until I feel better. I think mostly though, is being tired of this situation. I'm tired of trying to bring people into my life, so I think from now on, if you don't want to be involved then don't bother. I don't want anyone here who doesn't want to be. Time and time again I've tried to tell people what is going on in my life, or tried to bring them into to be somehow involved. That doesn't really ever seem to work though. People are too wrapped up in their own worlds. Not that this is new, by any means, this has been going on since I was a child, people who are/were supposed to give a damn had better things to do.

What does that all have to do with all this? Well I'm just done trying, if you want to be a part of my life than make an effort, if not, don't sugar coat it, don't try and spare my feelings, because you're just dragging things out longer than necessary. Either be there, or don't, don't half ass it when it's convenient, and don't pretend to be there because you need something done.

So yes, check please, I'm done.

What's going on?

I'm not really sure what is up. I've recently just felt very defeated in everything. Despite my recent victory in getting my name changed, overall I just feel overwhelmed by it all. Tonight for example I spent four hours working on an outline for a research paper. I've had two weeks to do it, and while I still managed to get it done, I've never felt so hopeless in being able to actually finish it. I even went as far as seeing if I could drop the class if I needed to, and retake it or something else in the summer. I've only dropped a class once in my college career as it feels very regressive to me.

That isn't all though, Well known friends of mine have been messing up pronouns. I tolerate it when my parents mess up as they've known me for twenty years with a different identity, but these people haven't and are close enough to me to know better. I understand it is a slip, and that you apologize, but that doesn't make it hurt less. So even while I change my name, I'm still fighting these same battles, and it never feels like progress.

I think maybe I just need a vacation from school or stress, I don't know. I haven't been able to express myself lately, my guitar hasn't been used and my nails are growing out as evidence. Not that playing it was ever that great a form of self expression for me, but it does at least help to an extent.

My plans for the weekend entail going out with an old friend of mine who is bi-curious to a club and getting well....wasted. I am somewhat afraid of getting too drunk and putting the moves on her. Not that I'm particularly attracted to her (she's cute but not really my type), but just in that we're both rather hard up for some passion in our lives. Which I think ties into the above, in that perhaps I'm just so wound up that I'm nearing a tearing point.

I'm finding myself more and more fighting the old struggles against depression. While I find it is easier to not get sucked into the abyssal pits that I used to thanks to transitioning, the fundamental philosophical depression that I've subscribed to has still lingered along with me. With such a pessimistic, jaded and cynical view, it's hard to find much to enjoy in life. I guess I'm just looking for something passionate or beautiful, or someone to show me something like that.

Valentines

What an interest series of events. I had what was arguably the best Valentines I've ever had. It was spent being romanced and shown a level of affection I don't think I've had for quite some time. Today is the first time I've really been alone in the past four days, and it feels a little strange. Things between me and the other person are still a bit unsettled however. Ze needs to figure out what ze wants before I can feel at ease. I'm not about to pursue things that I find without merit, and if ze can't commit back to the extent that I am looking for then, it is probably for the best I begin to turn my affections elsewhere.

Of course that is always easier said than done, but I'm not sure what else I can do at the moment but wait.

For now, being close to someone has reminded me just how pleasant life can be. On the downside however, being with someone does tend to shove my body image issues back in my face and down my throat. While normally I can tolerate them to an extent, being close to someone exacerbates the issues, and hinders my ability to ignore them. Specifically when being intimate with someone.

This is on top of other stresses that are beginning to take their tole I think.

Re:solvent

Apparently I have the resolve of lukewarm ice-cream. Earlier today I had a conversation with my ex about some shoes that I thought she would like, which led to a thought about getting any Christmas presents for her. My first reaction was strongly negative given everything that has happened between us lately. Though I ended up getting her something anyway. I'm not all together comfortable with the current situation, but there isn't much that is going to change that. While I did visit her the other day, it wasn't something...natural. It was very much forced relaxation on my part, and a constant effort to not think about the recent events. One of the things that bothered me was seeing little touches of her new interest all over the place. While that was somewhat of basically a confirmation, it isn't anything that was unknown before hand.

Which leaves me wondering what the point is. What do I expect to gain from all of this? I've learned of her indifference towards me, so what is with the urge to give something. More importantly, what do I want to say with it. Well, I have an idea of that, but...why bother.

It's times like this that make me want to just shrivel up, lay in bed, and slowly rot to death. The worst bit, is that I find myself reaching out to past interests when I would normally not bother, for the sake of filling the void. Relationships that may very well have some substance in them, but would be tainted and colored by this aspect.

I find myself withdrawing into seclusion again, falling into a emotional trap that I know there isn't an outlet for that doesn't involve some ugly situation and emotions. I've already gone through once this month, I'm not sure doing it again is going to be healthy.

Nite owls

I procrastinate to much, I had all day to finish my statistics homework, and just now got around to doing it. Not that I wouldn't normally be up at this time anyways, but It would have been much more efficient to do so earlier...but oh well.

This month is going to be hectic. I have to find a job, pack up and move, move, finish up my classes, get ready for finals and try to maintain my sanity in doing so. Not that I ever had it to begin with.

Alas, though, like with everything, taking it a day at a time seems to be the best option. My mood is generally upbeat as of recent. I know it is in no small part to recent steps in transitioning, and also getting closer to a potential romantic interest. I won't elaborate to much on that, but it is nice being close to another gender queer individual. Though, i'm not placing long term goals on any relationship, I know the person is leaving (or wanting to leave) the state upon graduation, so it is what it is, and as it is, I plan to enjoy it while I can.

With that out of the way, things feel content? Complacent? It is an interesting phenomenon for me, as it isn't something I'm used to, and I'm weary of being growing stagnate, this journey was founded on the aversion to stagnation and decay, and now that life seems to be in a more pleasant situation, I'm not going to let things regress by apathy and lethargy.

So, what do I have planned to kick me in the ass and get me moving? Well Bobcat Ball of course. It is a party thrown by the GLBT social organization I'm a member of, and it also happens to be a giant drag show, so it isn't uncommon to see everyone in drag. This of course gives me an opportunity to not be in drag, but be outside in an acceptable place, but all dressed up. It should be a pretty good event this semester, though I'm interested to see just how it goes..cautious, but optimistic.

Which brings me to another point, I was recently reading on a Trans forum about deep stealth, semi stealth, and being out. For clarifacation, deep stealth is basically erasing your past as the gender before transition. The more I think about this, the more I feel I will be semi-stealth, in that I have no problem telling people who are accepting and loving. This brings about the point of the spread of knowledge, and how controlable it is. In years past, I spent an exuberant amount of energy controlling the flow of information about the subject. Now, being able to just let that energy go, is quite relieving, but it is still somewhat of a worry. In that, one only really desires the people who are going to be accepting to know, those who are unsupportive are better off left in ignorance.

That being said, I have no problems with complete strangers reading my blogs, so tell your friends lol.

I know, I know

I should update more often, if you gander off to the right you can see how my post count has trickled down as the months go on. Well, when I'm not staying up until 4:30 in the morning doing statistics homework, i'm busy trying to survive.

That said, things that make me happy: Shoes. Cliche yes, but hey, it helps. I snagged some great androgynous high tops that I love wearing now, and a killer pair of heels (buy one get one 1/2 off...I had to).  A few days later I was drunk and online (not a good combination for the bank account) and bought the cutest skirt. I'm ..skeptical about fitting into a small, but I have no hips (yet) so hopefully it will fit. I'll see about posting some interesting artifacts once it comes in.

Obligatory things that suck: Testosterone, I've come to think of this substance as a plague upon the minds of humanity. My own in particular. I will be particularly glad when I'm no longer subject to its effects, but as I am, it leads to a typical libido. One which leads me to typical places. Those places take my mind into places it doesn't enjoy being.

I try to stay out/away from those places, but the keyword is try. Anyways, I'm always looking out for my best interest (who isn't) which is why I don't keep guns or knives around me.

But I'm here, and hopefully ever step is one closer to getting this rotten substance out of my body. That said...I still need to work on my voice..which...is coming along quite...slowly....and by slowly, I mean not at all.

A Thanksgiving week Update and reflection on the year past.

Well, being thanksgiving, I decided to get a bit reminiscent of all the things I've done, so far, this year.

But before I do that, lets get caught up to speed. My classes are winding down, I've got two finals, and two projects to finish up until I graduate. It will be interesting to see where life goes after this, though I have a pretty good idea of what is around the corner. Mainly more school and finding employment.

My depression has somewhat been evaded, in that I've been pretty successfully distracting myself with either school, social events, or just being plugged into the net/computer.

Thursday was Transgender day of Remembrance. I went with Scott up to Austin to the ceremony there. 27 people were murdered this year...over two per month, murdered because of who they were. It was pretty heartbreaking.

So, onto the main point of this entry, the year past...

Winter:
Well, I had my crash in January which was the low point in my life so far in regards to depression and suicidal tendencies. From there, I talked to some friends of mine about just life in general (still wasn't talking about being trans at that point to most).

Spring:
In March (at least I want to say it was March, it might have been later in the spring) I told my mom, which wasn't easy as she was the first person of my immediate family who I told. It didn't go..quite as I had planned, but it still went relatively well.

I started going to Therapy in May, which has been a tremendous help, At times I wish it would go faster in regards to where I am, but I think its important to take things as they come.

Summer:
I moved down to Houston for the summer, which was a mixed bag. On the one hand I needed the money to pay for other things, on the other it is like living in a guest house for three months, in that you never really feel like it is home. Not because of my parents mind you, just with neither of them knowing (at the time) it can feel a bit confining and repressive having to watch all of your actions (not that I tried very hard this time).

But not was all bad, I did get closer to Marisa who is a great friend of mine. I bought a new guitar (finally a decent 6 string), and did a lot of soul searching on what I want in terms of a career.

Towards the end I moved back to San Marcos, I moved in with Tony who is a good friend of mine, and has proven to be a pretty good roommate.

I started up therapy again (had a brief intermission while I was down in Houston).

I also told some other friends of mine, all of which have been supportive.

Fall:
School started back up, busier than most semesters, but that is to be expected.

I began buying more clothes and shoes to increase my femme wardrobe, including make up and the rest.

Started electrolysis on my neck and facial hair (shaving is for the birds).

I told my step-mom in a rather impersonal series of emails, while I was less apprehensive about her reaction as she is much more liberal/open-minded in my experience than my biological parents. She was understanding, curious (as most people are) and supportive, to which I am grateful.

I also told my brother, in an even more impersonal text message. I was driving back from electrolysis and randomly told him what was going on. I don't know why I got the urge, but I'm glad the weight is off my shoulders about him. He was cool about it (literally in that he didn't seem to have an opinion one way or the other, although he was supportive) but that is normal for him.

Current:
Well I suppose that is a brief overview of what I have done over the year. I know some of you are probably wondering about the key immediate family member I left out, my father, and where he fits into this. Well I haven't told him yet, I plan to do it around Christmas time as that is the next time I will see him, but I haven't exactly decided on the details of it.

Graduation is around the corner, and I'm excited to get that degree, while I am set to go for my masters, it is still a big accomplishment to finish this.

I'm anxious to see where the next year gets me, I'm wanting to start HRT as soon as possible, though I know my mother has her concerns regarding grandchildren, though they are more HER concerns than mine. Along with continuning the transition process, but the next big step is to tell my father, and get the core family completely on board..to some extent or another.

More Resources and updates

Well I recently rented The Praeger Handbook of Transsexuality It is a pretty good read, and has a lot of good information, I'm thinking about buying a copy, but I can wait on that. I did get some good sites out of it

transwoman.tripod.com
Annelawrence.com/twr/
Ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/conway.html

They all have a lot of good useful information, one thing I was wondering was if post op women were arroused in much the same way genetic women do. They do, which is a great weight off my mind as I had been curious about that for a good while.

In other news, i've rethemed my desktop again, now its pink and black and white, Its quite cute and I think I'll keep it like this for awhile...or at least until I get tired of it. (pics included)

I've been puting some thought into my thesis, though I should probably not worry about that as much until I get a bit more close to writing it, but it is a bit ...much to think about, hopefully I can get a clearer picture of what all is involved in it down the line, though it is neat to think I will be a published author once it is done.

Which leads me to another issue...names. I've already got a name I like picked out, but that doesn't really help me in dealing with my resume, and how I alter that. Will I need to get my degrees reissued? Can I even do that?  It seems pretty silly to get a degree if I have to leave it off my resume because it isn't in my new name.

Anyways, I've been fighting depression this week, I should have gone to therapy on Tuesday but had to reschedule for a thesis seminar. Seems i'm having to tell myself "just hold it together" more often this week than most. I had some people ask me about what was wrong, but getting advice from people you are close to, but not really connected to never really seems to do much good. I am however, as always, a wonderful actress. Most of it I can pass off as stress (as a good deal of my emotional burdons are) but it is just easier to pass it off to people who don't really grasp the concept than to bother explaining it in a way they would understand.

But...whatever, life is what it is.

Isn't it cute



And one more...

Fall is in the air

Well It has been far to long since I've written. Developments? Well I told my brother about being trans, that was interesting...well not so much interesting as random. I was driving back from an electrolysis appointment and was sitting in traffic when I got the random urge. I told him I didn't really know how to tell him except in "surprise random text message". He was generally understanding and supportive. We have a common bond in our ability to poke fun and bitch about our father, which is nice sometimes lol.

Speaking of Electrolysis, I've my third appointment on Wednesday, it isn't terribly painful, but it isn't fun either. I asked her about how long it would take to be all said and done and she said at least a year. That seems to be inline with my estimates, so that wasn't a big shocker. While I am glad to get started, I am still wanting to get the other big program on the road HRT (hormone replacement therapy) is something I wish I could have started before my birthday, but there isn't much to do about it now.

In other news, Fall is finally here, and I love it, It makes me feel so rejuvenated and refreshed, I just wish I had more appropriate clothes. I have a few jackets and such, but they all make me look/feel very top heavy with the pants/bottoms that I pair with it. I'm going to have to see what I can pick up this season, hopefully something cute, but money is always an issue.

Which leads me to other stresses. Today its Daylight savings time. DST doesn't start until NEXT week, but that didn't stop me from waking up an hour later than I normally do anyways for no reason. Damn farmers.

Emotionally, things are unstable. I have so much stress with school at the moment, and so little energy  and motivation with which to deal with it. I think above all I am just tired, so unbelievably tired of having to deal with any and everything anyone decides to lob in my direction. Sometimes I think it would be better to just commit myself to get a break from my life, if not to preserve my sanity and safety.

Financial Backing (out)

Well, life just got a bit more stressful. I've got a laundry list of things to do on my plate, and I will be glad once this semester is over. I have to register for Grad School tomorrow, yet I don't know how I am going to go about financing it. The plan I had is apparently...not going to work anymore. If I can get my assistantship I can cover my living expenses, but that doesn't say much about the tuition bill. So I am going to have to find some other sources of income for that. I really don't want to take out a loan to do so, but It is a last resort if I must.

I was upset about the news because it doesn't seem fair in my book, but that is life, and i'm not going to rant on about the fairness of the system that rewards those who abuse it. I've worked harder, and more diligently than the rest, and i'm rewarded by financial punishment.  If that isn't enough to demotivate a girl I don't know what is.

It is what it is however, and I just have to live with it. Much like everything else I deal with, it is just more added onto the top of the mountain. At least I've climbed up a bit higher recently, I started my electrolysis. While it isn't...fun per say, it isn't terrible. I found good practitioner with decent rates, and it will hopefully not take to long. I've got two appointments already scheduled, so that is an interesting bit.

There is just so much stress going on in my life, and I can't seem to focus on what I need to get done at all. I work well under pressure, but that is assuming I can actually focus on what I have to do, which right now should be studying for an exam tomorrow, but I just can't focus on the material.

And on a last sad note, I think I may be becoming an alcoholic. Though I've caught it, and don't plan on letting it get out of control (i've always had good self discipline), at least now I can say I know why lol.