A farewell note

I'm writing this on the eve of a two week vacation, and it can't come soon enough. I was mildly entertained by the idea of leaving at first, but now, I NEED to get away.

Tonight, I ended up putting myself in a position to relive recent romantic excursions with my ex. I understand why, but there are two distinct moments in which I felt both immense satisfaction and fullness, and then complete obliteration and grotesqueness. The former, came before things became sexually involved, but at the first kiss. Earlier in the night I had almost cried when I wanted to be close to hir, but fought the urge. The latter, came at the end of the sexual escapades when I asked if this changed anything. I already knew the answer, as I'm sure you all can infer as well.

The two expeditions were separated by a brief period of solitude in a bathroom for me to wonder what the fuck I was doing.  I knew what I wanted, but I also knew that the odds of it being how I wanted, were slim. As things became more sexual in nature, I knew early on that things felt different. Compared to earlier during the first kiss when I felt that fluttering joyous panic of happiness, here was only forced interest, routine, mandated petting, and a distinct lack of passion. Wherein I knew that was a sign to stop, I nevertheless charged forward, ignoring my instincts.

Where does that leave us now, well I've cried, and still have a good amount more to go, but after going from regret to shame, to anger, I've felt the quick drain of any love I had there flow out of me only to be replaced by spite and resentment. I feel used, overexposed, taken advantage of, unappreciated, dumb, embarrassed, contaminated, dirty, hurt...just hurt.

Valentines

What an interest series of events. I had what was arguably the best Valentines I've ever had. It was spent being romanced and shown a level of affection I don't think I've had for quite some time. Today is the first time I've really been alone in the past four days, and it feels a little strange. Things between me and the other person are still a bit unsettled however. Ze needs to figure out what ze wants before I can feel at ease. I'm not about to pursue things that I find without merit, and if ze can't commit back to the extent that I am looking for then, it is probably for the best I begin to turn my affections elsewhere.

Of course that is always easier said than done, but I'm not sure what else I can do at the moment but wait.

For now, being close to someone has reminded me just how pleasant life can be. On the downside however, being with someone does tend to shove my body image issues back in my face and down my throat. While normally I can tolerate them to an extent, being close to someone exacerbates the issues, and hinders my ability to ignore them. Specifically when being intimate with someone.

This is on top of other stresses that are beginning to take their tole I think.

Intimacy

So, I wanted to try and figure out what has been going on. Recent bouts of physical intimacy have put me in strange places. The most recent being more disturbing than the others. I have a somewhat vivid imagination, and when combined with someone else feeding into it with sensations that closely resemble what the fantasy is, it can become very real. This becomes a problem when reentering reality. I can usually handle where I am in my transition, I'm well aware of what I have, and what is yet to come. However that quick fantasy/reality post orgasm come down was particularly harsh.

On that same token, acts that I used to be able to tolerate now seem very foreign and uncomfortable. I don't think it fits in any longer with who I am, and I don't think it is fair to be asked to perform them. The whole experience has made me more uncomfortable with my body than I have been in a good while.

I think I'll be keeping things above the belt from now on.

Conclusions

So this past Saturday I managed to tell my grandparents about what was going on. While I expected a whole showdown, it was actually rather anticlimactic. They said they had suspected for awhile, and besides a few "why can't we be normal" comments, it was rather civilized.

Aside from that, I'm entertaining a new interest. What I find remarkable however, is the striking difference between this, and my past relationship. The little things that annoyed me, or bothered me about my ex, don't seem to with this new interest. I'm not quite sure why, though I think some of it has to do with the physicality of it all. I'm sure some of it is being more comfortable in myself, I think a good portion of it is hir.

We aren't exclusive or anything, and neither of us really know what we are wanting, but for now, I'm just enjoying the closeness, and the warmth of having someone to lay next to. I'm not sure where it may lead to, and I don't think I am wanting another relationship so soon after this latest fiasco. Looking back at that, I want to say it was probably the worst relationship I can remember. In just overall negativity, but it was a good break away point from the past I think. While I'm not sure anything can be salvaged from that, it's at least memorable. I know now that physicality of a relationships can't be forced.

It is strange being intimate again, and...I'm not sure how to react to it. I'm still figuring things out, so I may update on that later on this week. As it is however, I am feeling pretty good, I no longer have to conceal things within my family anymore, and I can be free for most of my days.

The Slow Death Of The Orgasm

I had an...emotional night tonight. I had grown bored and decided to get off. It was...unsatisfactory as masturbation normally is, but it was the first time I failed to produce any actual fluids. This stuck at two inner notions that were at the back of my mind. The first being that as I grow more and more sterile, the possibility of reproducing genetically decreases. The later, being a strong paralyzing fear of no longer being sexual.

One of the things I worry about most in the SRS is that numbness is prominent among the results. I fear not being able to feel anything, and also not being able to have an orgasm.

I immediately tried again and got results, but with increased effort.

I fear that combined with an asexual nature, not being able to feel anything or have an orgasm will lead me to abandon sex all together. That idea, is deeply depressing. I find the intimacy of the act to be one of the best things in the world when done right, and even the possibility of it not being in my life haunts me.

A, Sexual...

It's late, I should sleep but I can't. A combination of caffeine and emotionality is keeping me awake. I'm not sure what exactly to say anymore. I feel reminiscent, and wanting to go back to how things were, but at the same time I know it isn't true.

Which brings me to this new realization. Being that no one I've ever dated I've had an genuine attraction towards. Oh sure we got along, and enjoyed each other's company, but there was never a real physical attraction. I think some of it is finding someone who fits with what you're expecting out a relationship, but at the same time, if you simply aren't attracted to someone...there isn't much you can really do. I love them, but, I can't say my desire to stay with them is any greater than my desire to not be alone.

Asexual, what a complete and utter lonely feeling. Knowing that you'll never be physically attracted to anyone regardless of your feelings towards them.

I need to get to bed before I let this overwhelm me.