Intimacy

So, I wanted to try and figure out what has been going on. Recent bouts of physical intimacy have put me in strange places. The most recent being more disturbing than the others. I have a somewhat vivid imagination, and when combined with someone else feeding into it with sensations that closely resemble what the fantasy is, it can become very real. This becomes a problem when reentering reality. I can usually handle where I am in my transition, I'm well aware of what I have, and what is yet to come. However that quick fantasy/reality post orgasm come down was particularly harsh.

On that same token, acts that I used to be able to tolerate now seem very foreign and uncomfortable. I don't think it fits in any longer with who I am, and I don't think it is fair to be asked to perform them. The whole experience has made me more uncomfortable with my body than I have been in a good while.

I think I'll be keeping things above the belt from now on.

The Slow Death Of The Orgasm

I had an...emotional night tonight. I had grown bored and decided to get off. It was...unsatisfactory as masturbation normally is, but it was the first time I failed to produce any actual fluids. This stuck at two inner notions that were at the back of my mind. The first being that as I grow more and more sterile, the possibility of reproducing genetically decreases. The later, being a strong paralyzing fear of no longer being sexual.

One of the things I worry about most in the SRS is that numbness is prominent among the results. I fear not being able to feel anything, and also not being able to have an orgasm.

I immediately tried again and got results, but with increased effort.

I fear that combined with an asexual nature, not being able to feel anything or have an orgasm will lead me to abandon sex all together. That idea, is deeply depressing. I find the intimacy of the act to be one of the best things in the world when done right, and even the possibility of it not being in my life haunts me.

Tracking the Changes pt II & an update.

So not a whole lot new in the changes this fortnight. I've noticed that my right breast is definitely developing faster than my left, but I'm told this is normal. There is definitely what feels to be pockets of fluid behind my nipples. This appears to be normal according to my reading, but it is still kinda strange to me. Aside from that I find myself more moody, and prone to fits of angst than before. 

I had my first day of school in femme yesterday, it went pretty well all things considering. I didn't go to class, but to my social organization, which is obviously a bit more understanding than regular classes. I was a bit apprehensive at first, but I got used to it (like I do everything) after a bit. I'm still having trouble with my voice though, which is what makes me the most uncomfortable. I think if I could get that somewhat working I would feel much more comfortable in going out, as it is I am going out in femme with my normal voice and it irks me. It is something that I am trying to work on though =\.

On Running Away

Interesting predicaments...I'm trying to understand my motivations and emotions, which is strange to me as I"m usually pretty good at it. Not to say I don't have reason to be befuddled. I was recently intimate with someone who i'm very close to. This was the first time in a long time of abstinence, and i'm not quite sure what to make of it.

My first reactions were regret, and a desire to run from the relationship. Though later on I was fine being around the person and enjoyed hir company (note the gender neutral pronoun for those thinking it may be a typo). I can think of a couple of possible reasons why I wanted to leave, but not any that I can definitely say was the reason.

Which brings me to another issue, I like this person, and ze makes me very happy, but I keep finding myself looking at other people. I think the generally feeling is that things have gotten more serious than I intended, and though I do enjoy being with this person, there is something that pushes me away. What bothers me, is that I didn't feel this push prior to being intimate with this person.

Perhaps it is just the unfulfillment of intamcy that comes with hating ones body, and an act that utilizes the parts you hate is bound to make any act feel futile and meaningless.

Anyways, I doubt this will be the last entry on this subject.

I know, I know

I should update more often, if you gander off to the right you can see how my post count has trickled down as the months go on. Well, when I'm not staying up until 4:30 in the morning doing statistics homework, i'm busy trying to survive.

That said, things that make me happy: Shoes. Cliche yes, but hey, it helps. I snagged some great androgynous high tops that I love wearing now, and a killer pair of heels (buy one get one 1/2 off...I had to).  A few days later I was drunk and online (not a good combination for the bank account) and bought the cutest skirt. I'm ..skeptical about fitting into a small, but I have no hips (yet) so hopefully it will fit. I'll see about posting some interesting artifacts once it comes in.

Obligatory things that suck: Testosterone, I've come to think of this substance as a plague upon the minds of humanity. My own in particular. I will be particularly glad when I'm no longer subject to its effects, but as I am, it leads to a typical libido. One which leads me to typical places. Those places take my mind into places it doesn't enjoy being.

I try to stay out/away from those places, but the keyword is try. Anyways, I'm always looking out for my best interest (who isn't) which is why I don't keep guns or knives around me.

But I'm here, and hopefully ever step is one closer to getting this rotten substance out of my body. That said...I still need to work on my voice..which...is coming along quite...slowly....and by slowly, I mean not at all.

Some are Lakes

This entry has been brought to my attention by my apparent emotional
fragility. What I find interesting is just how apt to mood swings I am
when alone. If I'm in the company of someone these are usually censored
out somewhat, to that I feel at least somewhat constant.



However, listening to the new Land of Talk album, I've gone from a low,
to a nice mellow warmth, almost as if I'd consumed some alcohol to get
that first glowing warmth from inside.



None of which would be possible if my roommate were still
here...interesting. It makes me wonder to what extent I subconsciously
control the magnification of my emotions.



A second thought, is to what extent I am simply hiding them under the
gender stereotype that males aren't supposed to express emotion
(granted I hardly fall into that category [ in mindset anyways{ for
now}]) and that I wait to express them to myself when I'm alone...interesting thoughts.

On the criminality of being female

So, I have to blame the pregnant man for this rant, not that I have any issues with him, but my roommate does apparently. Which is what brought up this entire issue. My roommate argued quite passionately for the maintaining of the divide between genders. He argued that he was a liar because the pregnant man's chromosomes didn't match that of a typical man (XX vs XY).

My stance on the issue is both that there is no such thing as Male or Female, but a sliding scale or spectrum of the two. Just as there are degrees of sexual preference, and that almost no one is 100% purely strait or gay, gender is much the same way. To the extent that there is no such thing as a pure or "real" man and a pure or "real" woman.

Of course his whole and entire argument lies on the basis that there is a chromosomal difference between biological males and females. While he is content to say that difference is the sole and only judgment for male and female, I do not agree. I say that a persons gender (be it role, identity, or other entirely) is much more determined by a persons behavior, personality, habits, culture, etc. Rather than look at a single aspect of a persons genetics, I think it is more true to look at the entire picture of aspects, and I don't think that one aspect of a person's DNA is the end all be all criterion for the basis of gender.

That said, why does that have to do with the criminality of being female in this country? Well as my roommate passionately went on about what it meant to be male and how the pregnant man isn't one, his debate began to confirm a position I've had for a while. That being that it is a crime to be female in this country. Now I don't mean it in a way that you will go to jail and be prosecuted. I mean it in that everything in this country revolves around men, masculinity, and anyone who is less than that, or appears to be less, is cast down, ridiculed, oppressed, or discriminated against.

Think about this, why are women still less than 1% of executive officers, despite earning half of all the masters degrees in this country, and being half of the workforce (source: Economist.com). Why are FTM (Female to Male) transexuals less scrutinized than their MTF counterparts, why are femme lesbians admired but butch lesbians shunned? In this country, masculinity is worshipped, and anything that appeals to masculinity is admired. So a MTF transsexual is shunned for casting off masculinity, a femme lesbian is approved of because she becoming more masculine (being attracted to women) while still retaining her attraction AS a woman. Compare that to masculine lesbians, who are not nearly given as much limelight or compassion for their ways of life.

Just a bit of an annoyance of mine on an observation, that it seems as long as you have a penis, or are attractive to one, you are alright. But the second you denounce one, you are cast off by this society.

What do you think? Am I way off base? Or do I ring a true tune.
))