Post Op Frustrations

I'm less than two weeks out of my surgery. It feels like years, I feel like years ago that I was dealing with the withdraw from morphine and caffeine and shitty hospital food. There is this mood of frustration and anger and depression and unmotivation. A lot of the rage is based in, and found around my trans status, having a vagina now, makes me face a lot of the maintenance hassle of having to deal with something now, for the rest of my life. It is an amazing thing to do, but also an amazing hassle that I now have to deal with, when I shouldn't have to.

It's the same anger at cisgender privilege and ease of life that has always frustrated me.

I know this will pass, and that this will get easier, but it's just hard to stay out of the here and now, when you're forced to deal with it at least twice a day.

Less than two weeks, and it will get better. I have to believe this. I can let myself feel these emotions, but I should not try to get bogged down in them, they will pass as my health and my new organ heals and gets better.

There, is just a lot of isolation and loneliness here. Being across the planet leads to a lot of time problems as my friends and loved ones are nearly exactly opposite of my time. I really want to communicate and talk to them, and hug and have this dialogue, but it just isn't there. I understand they are busy and have their own lives, and I have a bias telling me that I don't matter, but it still hurts, and feels lonely here.

I keep looking to my ex and wanting that emotional connection, but I know it isn't where I should be turning, and it isn't going to be there anyway, but still, old habits die hard.

Surgery Night Blues

What to say really.

This whole time, really, has felt nonchalant. Even now, there have been little specters of emotional turbulence, but it just feels okay.

It feels "crazy" and I find myself saying "this is so crazy" and "what am I doing". In a sort of astonishment that this is where my life is.

I'm 7500 miles from home. In a place, where I know one person, and he's just as, if not more, clueless than I am.

This would all be fine if we were here to just hang out, but in, just over 12 hours, I have a huge, 5 hour long, surgery that changes my life. It's something I've been dreaming of since I was twelve years old.

I wanted so so badly to be perfect, and I still deal with that grief. The additional burden I have to deal with in being trans that other people don't have to.

It's, shitty, and I shouldn't have to go through this, yet my life is and will be infinitely better having done so. I know this, which is likely why I just feel fine with everything. I've done my homework, I researched and found the person I was the most comfortable with.

It hasn't been quite what I expected, but then how can you really expect anything so, monumentally different as this.

Still, I feel very alone at the moment. Even having my dad here, he doesn't know what this is like, no one really does outside trans folks, who are all damaged goods in our own sort of way.

All along this trip, I've expected tonight to be a roller coaster of emotions, and, it's just not. I don't feel much of anything outside, "well, yah, okay". Maybe that's a sign of just acceptance with everything. It worries me, because not feeling anything typically has been a depression signaler rather than one of acceptance.

Some tears later, it's the loneliness and the grieving that gets to me, as they always do. Imaginings hugs from ex partners and friends triggers me to finally release. I'm scared and anxious and worried and frustrated at it all, but it is what I have to do so.

Outlook: Not So Good.

I'm not sure where to begin. I'm a mess. I could barely watch the movie Up without crying hysterically through the whole thing. Not that it is exceptionally sad, but the idea it offers for a narrative hits a sore spot for me. This was compounded by a rather surprising and serious conversation with a good friend of mine in regards to our as of yet unlabeled relationship. We've had feeling for each other for a while off and on, but recently started getting together more often. This led to said conversation, which ended with the conclusions that telling her family about us would likely destroy us as a couple, and fears of her being a rebound, and my concern of my issues effecting her family and her family life. So it seems I'm destined to be an under-the-table fuck at best, and distant friends at worst. Which, well I've get all the distant friends I can just about stand at this point.

I really shouldn't drink anymore. It's turning into a nasty catalysts for my negative emotions. I won't be able to see my therapist again over the holidays, which is complicating things. I really don't feel up to dealing with the holidays and all this bullshit. The irony of spending quality family time when I feel completely alone somehow seems to escape everyone except me.  My family is great and all, but they're akin to pets, you love them, but they don't comfort you at night. Much like my many other distant friends, they advertise their openness and willingness to help, but there isn't a supporting relationship there to facilitate said communication. I feel emotionally battered, between my own self destruction, and other people's negligence and indifference, there simply isn't much left.

What Emotional Problems?

In an effort to provide more content, I present to you, another entry. 

Today went decently, I went to therapy to discuss everything that has been on my mind, and ended up scheduling another one right after the first one just to get things out of my head. Unfortunately she is taking 3 weeks off around Christmas, so she asked me to enter into a verbal contract (her words) in which I wouldn't do anything self destructive for the next six sessions. I agreed, and hopefully won't have to test it.

I finally got through reading Questionable Content, All 1547 issues of it. It started off as a rather obscure indie music comic but turned into a full on romantic comedy that I fell in love with. If you have about two weeks to spare reading, I highly suggest it. Now though I'm finally going to finish some novels that have been escaping me for the entire semester and summer.

I went to a Jazz Combo concert last night, and it really made me want to start playing again, but my options (much like my love life) are few and far between. If I don't dust things off they are going to start getting cobwebs.

Aside from that, no real news. My mother is being illogical. I haven't talked to my brother since last Wednesday, I'd like to go up and play some drums since I have to drive up to Austin on Friday anyway, but I'm somewhat afraid of/dissuaded from putting up with his bullshit.

I think I finally found at least one Christmas gift, ready for this? I need a small trash can for my bathroom. Yeah...that is all I have so far.

RE:gressions

So where to begin, well, things have regressed a good degree. I'm going to see my therapist again tomorrow afternoon to hopefully get some things figured out. Some people I thought were good friends turned out to be either complete idiots, or completely self absorbed. Regardless, it put me in a rather bleak mental state. This bleak state depressed me as a step backwards, which only fed on itself as negativity, which...well you can see the snowball forming.

Anyway, I'm recovering from that slowly, but surely. I fear I've fallen back into a state of depression though, (staying in bed all day, not caring about things, etc). I've been asked to find things to want for Christmas, but I honestly can't bring myself enough to care about anything enough to value it, over the effort involved in unwrapping/throwing away the associated paper products. Such is the state of my being.

I'm not sure if I've talked about this, but the hormones have just about killed off all of my sex drive, which in itself is a wonderful thing for me. However, these past three weeks or so have been very heavy in the emotional trauma department. This has made me...um...well lets just say...in need. The issue is though, how to go about solving it, it isn't a physical desire anymore (where as it used to be akin to the desire to really have to pee after a large drink), but more an emotional attachment/intimacy issue. So, I've found myself inviting people over with an underlying ulterior motive on my part, though it seems to be underneath most people's radar.

Which leads me to another point: Being trans, I don't feel comfortable just hitting on anyone I see. I identify as Pan-Sexual, but that doesn't mean everyone is going to be comfortable having a trans-woman hit on them. So I basically have to wait until someone initiates things. The overall effect is that I don't have a great deal of romantic/sexual interests.

However, combined with loosing what I thought were some good friends, and not having a significant other, I feel alone a lot of the time. I don't feel there are a lot of people that are close to me. Yes I have a good amount of great friends, who have helped me immensely during this most recent crisis, but I don't feel that my relationship with them is at that close of a level. I'm wanting an intimate relationship, and no one fills that/those spots anymore.

So getting back to the main issue, this pushed me back down on the mental stability chart to violent/hysterical crying. One thing I have noticed is that while I could shrug things off, and turn most things outwards before hormones (projecting anger when hurt, though I never really did that well) now I simply absorb everything and implode from the inside out. This makes me much more unstable when running highly emotional, as some people may know already.

Anyway, onto another subject, Thanksgiving was nice. It was the first time I've had one out of the closet. Everyone was very nice and understanding. My brother was fine up until everyone left when he apparently reverted to his asshole/douche-bag self. There was an expected curtailing of pronouns and names to fit my grandmother, but they tried, and I know it is a work in progress. I just hope it isn't something I end up having to drag out of them like it seems to be on my mother's side of the family.

One important issue did arise however, one that I though previously solved. I was offered financial funding to store my sperm in case I wanted to use it later. I had previously Kiboshed the idea because I didn't have nearly the money to do so, and wanted to start on my hormones without waiting X years until I had the money. However, now that the funding has been offered by my Step-Mothers sister Janel (who I adored regardless of offer). This has reopened a door I successfully closed and trotted over on my transition process.  The main issue here is having to stop my hormones for a length of time, as it is, my sperm count is probably nigh zero. I'd give anecdotal evidence, but I don't think lurid details of my masturbatory process are desired. So I would need to stop my hormone treatment for probably at least a month, something I am reluctant to do.

I know in the long run I would appreciate having done so, but it isn't as simple as that, storing the sperm now, would mean storing chemically altered sperm, my body chemistry is no longer that of a genetic male, and thus from my research, will increase the potential for birth defects.  This brings about an ethical question, do I have any right to bring a being into the world, fully knowing that it has an increased rate of being defective because of my own personal choices? Fully knowing the other options available for child raising (adoption, etc), can I ethically go through with it?

Granted just by saving it, doesn't mean I will have to use it, but then it becomes an argument of stopping my treatments, in order to fulfill the option of a choice in the future that I don't have the moral grounds to use/excise anyway...It is an interesting debate.

Tracking the Changes pt II & an update.

So not a whole lot new in the changes this fortnight. I've noticed that my right breast is definitely developing faster than my left, but I'm told this is normal. There is definitely what feels to be pockets of fluid behind my nipples. This appears to be normal according to my reading, but it is still kinda strange to me. Aside from that I find myself more moody, and prone to fits of angst than before. 

I had my first day of school in femme yesterday, it went pretty well all things considering. I didn't go to class, but to my social organization, which is obviously a bit more understanding than regular classes. I was a bit apprehensive at first, but I got used to it (like I do everything) after a bit. I'm still having trouble with my voice though, which is what makes me the most uncomfortable. I think if I could get that somewhat working I would feel much more comfortable in going out, as it is I am going out in femme with my normal voice and it irks me. It is something that I am trying to work on though =\.

Awakening

Okay, So I've been MIA, and for that I apologize, but writing has always been an expression of negative emotions for me, so in this case, no news is good news.

But, for a change, this is a note on positive change. So I've started HRT; I started on my birthday with testosterone blockers, and had my first injection the week after, next Thursday will be month two, and when people say the changes are noticeable. I however, have already seen some changes. I hope this means I will progress rapidly. I've always felt my body was potentially genetically aimed to take well to HRT, and this seems to confirm that...however I know that it doesn't mean it is necessarily so.

Anyways, this is going to be a chaotic two years as I'm still going to school and flirting on both sides of the gender continuum. While my body becomes more female, i'm going to have to manage those changes along with my social/work/school life to maintain a sort of balance and sanity. Interesting feat indeed, if I can pull it off. However I have a fairly amazing support base, which I am very grateful for. My family is coming along, it is against the grain for some of them, but they are still progressing and getting used to it. My friends are, and always have been supportive and I love them for all that they do for me.

In short, things could be a lot worse. Not that everything is bright-sunshine-shoved-down-your-throat happy. My finances are in dire straits, and I've got to find a job ASAP, but ...I'm optimistic, and for the first time in awhile, despite the negatives, I feel good.  I know some of it is do to being independent again (I moved back out on my own for school), and it is very liberating. Its nice to be optimistic for a change.

I'm still managing these changes, and they aren't..easy, it isn't natural to me just yet, so there are some teething pains, but...I'm taking it as it comes, and dealing with what I can, when I can.

My romantic life is entertaining. I love my partner, and while we seem to have our issues, more so than I would like, we manage to work them out in a mature way, which is a nice change. Something still...irks me on the inside though, and while I still can't put my finger on it, even when I try to analyse it, it vexes me. I'll figure it out though...eventually lol.

So, now that I'm back...and sane, I should be around a bit more..well once I get my internet hooked up again anyway. For now, though, thats a wrap.

//Amelia

On Running Away

Interesting predicaments...I'm trying to understand my motivations and emotions, which is strange to me as I"m usually pretty good at it. Not to say I don't have reason to be befuddled. I was recently intimate with someone who i'm very close to. This was the first time in a long time of abstinence, and i'm not quite sure what to make of it.

My first reactions were regret, and a desire to run from the relationship. Though later on I was fine being around the person and enjoyed hir company (note the gender neutral pronoun for those thinking it may be a typo). I can think of a couple of possible reasons why I wanted to leave, but not any that I can definitely say was the reason.

Which brings me to another issue, I like this person, and ze makes me very happy, but I keep finding myself looking at other people. I think the generally feeling is that things have gotten more serious than I intended, and though I do enjoy being with this person, there is something that pushes me away. What bothers me, is that I didn't feel this push prior to being intimate with this person.

Perhaps it is just the unfulfillment of intamcy that comes with hating ones body, and an act that utilizes the parts you hate is bound to make any act feel futile and meaningless.

Anyways, I doubt this will be the last entry on this subject.

Potentials (On Relationships)

Potentials? one wonders the point, or..possible eventualities of life. Of the trivialities of trust, or lack there of, and blindness of games. Vague, yes, but thats what life is. Slowly this is becoming more apparently defined the more I investigate.

I understand things about myself, I know why I want to be left alone, It's sad that it is already this early on, and here I am. I understand the situation, and the underlying motivations (on my part), but it raises the question again, though a different application.

Fascinating how a whole day can be ruined in the span of a single minute.

I think for once I would just like to not be able to boil things down to pros and cons. I ran with this venture on the hopes it might lead to something sweet and genuine, but I already feel myself dimensionalizing and weighing the relationship for its merits. Love I fear, is ever evasive and elusive.

Ce la vie apparently (downplay it, like I always do). Might as well start adjusting to the idea of solitude now, since it is already apparently (cynicism strikes again) inevitable. However, gifts are gifts, and I refuse to return moments in time to those who are no longer the people they were when they granted said moments, and however brief this ends up being, It was very nice.

Sigh, indeed.

I think this one just burnt out too quickly, rather, it never had a long life burning at its slowest, so perhaps its better to simply admire from afar, rather than get tangled in its inevitable oblivion.

Nite owls

I procrastinate to much, I had all day to finish my statistics homework, and just now got around to doing it. Not that I wouldn't normally be up at this time anyways, but It would have been much more efficient to do so earlier...but oh well.

This month is going to be hectic. I have to find a job, pack up and move, move, finish up my classes, get ready for finals and try to maintain my sanity in doing so. Not that I ever had it to begin with.

Alas, though, like with everything, taking it a day at a time seems to be the best option. My mood is generally upbeat as of recent. I know it is in no small part to recent steps in transitioning, and also getting closer to a potential romantic interest. I won't elaborate to much on that, but it is nice being close to another gender queer individual. Though, i'm not placing long term goals on any relationship, I know the person is leaving (or wanting to leave) the state upon graduation, so it is what it is, and as it is, I plan to enjoy it while I can.

With that out of the way, things feel content? Complacent? It is an interesting phenomenon for me, as it isn't something I'm used to, and I'm weary of being growing stagnate, this journey was founded on the aversion to stagnation and decay, and now that life seems to be in a more pleasant situation, I'm not going to let things regress by apathy and lethargy.

So, what do I have planned to kick me in the ass and get me moving? Well Bobcat Ball of course. It is a party thrown by the GLBT social organization I'm a member of, and it also happens to be a giant drag show, so it isn't uncommon to see everyone in drag. This of course gives me an opportunity to not be in drag, but be outside in an acceptable place, but all dressed up. It should be a pretty good event this semester, though I'm interested to see just how it goes..cautious, but optimistic.

Which brings me to another point, I was recently reading on a Trans forum about deep stealth, semi stealth, and being out. For clarifacation, deep stealth is basically erasing your past as the gender before transition. The more I think about this, the more I feel I will be semi-stealth, in that I have no problem telling people who are accepting and loving. This brings about the point of the spread of knowledge, and how controlable it is. In years past, I spent an exuberant amount of energy controlling the flow of information about the subject. Now, being able to just let that energy go, is quite relieving, but it is still somewhat of a worry. In that, one only really desires the people who are going to be accepting to know, those who are unsupportive are better off left in ignorance.

That being said, I have no problems with complete strangers reading my blogs, so tell your friends lol.

Hooray for procrastination (long entry)

SO I'm trying to make an effort to write more, the problem is just a complete lack of motivation in general. I've my first graduate exam in a couple of hours and didn't prepare for it like I know I should have, but at this point..I just can't seem to concentrate on the issue.

Well...okay it HAS been awhile. So, recent revelations, I've deemed these two-three years of my life upcoming the years of chaos as it is going to be the two most chaotic and transformative years of my life. I'll be transitioning, while finding a job, and continuing grad school (hopefully). If one of those things wasn't stressful enough i'm trying to do all three at the same time.

I've been taking them one at a time...sort of. I got my tax refund back and have been using it to purchase some clothes (finally). My first real experience with femenine clothing overall wasn't to bad, the problem is just my self image. I kept the undergarments as they fit ...relatively well, and tucking wasn't much of an issue, slightly haphazzard, but i'll get the hang of that eventually. I have no frame of reference for bras, so i'm going to avoid anymore of those until I start hormones.

I think what I'm really needing work on to get my confidence up is my voice. While I do work on it regularly, I haven't the gusto to record it yet, which is a major hinderance to progress.

....Thinking about it now, there are a few things I want to have done, that I could, I just don't have the courage to do. Which hints at an underlying fear of doing it; which is uncharacteristic of me. There are some things that I set my mind to and the world in itself won't stop me, yet...there are these small things that I could go out and do in a weekend that I can't seem to force myself to do on my own. I need to ponder over these things some more, but I'll move on for now.

My family has been overall supportive, though I've run into surface cracks. In an attempt to establish a emotional connection in an email my father called me son. I didn't make a big deal about it other than to note it, and ask him about it (best to nip this in the bud yes?). On the female side, my mother seemed to question my female attire before going out to dinner. While I was just a bit androgynous with a girls t-shirt, when I told her I was a bit girlie, she asked "well how girlie" with a tone of dissaproval, which hinted that my dress code may not have been suitable to go to dinner with them. However, once we met up she expressed no such attitude or hint of that, we even talked shoes.

So this hints at potential a bit of over-sensitivity, I know I'm looking for cracks and reasons for conflict, but I do so because I want to make sure they are firmly cemented with me in this (to use  a nice construction/building metaphor). Perhaps their lack of external conflict when I told them is what makes me want to be so thurough about their positions...I digress.

Well, rather than type everything out now, i'll save it for more entries later on in the week.

I know, I know

I should update more often, if you gander off to the right you can see how my post count has trickled down as the months go on. Well, when I'm not staying up until 4:30 in the morning doing statistics homework, i'm busy trying to survive.

That said, things that make me happy: Shoes. Cliche yes, but hey, it helps. I snagged some great androgynous high tops that I love wearing now, and a killer pair of heels (buy one get one 1/2 off...I had to).  A few days later I was drunk and online (not a good combination for the bank account) and bought the cutest skirt. I'm ..skeptical about fitting into a small, but I have no hips (yet) so hopefully it will fit. I'll see about posting some interesting artifacts once it comes in.

Obligatory things that suck: Testosterone, I've come to think of this substance as a plague upon the minds of humanity. My own in particular. I will be particularly glad when I'm no longer subject to its effects, but as I am, it leads to a typical libido. One which leads me to typical places. Those places take my mind into places it doesn't enjoy being.

I try to stay out/away from those places, but the keyword is try. Anyways, I'm always looking out for my best interest (who isn't) which is why I don't keep guns or knives around me.

But I'm here, and hopefully ever step is one closer to getting this rotten substance out of my body. That said...I still need to work on my voice..which...is coming along quite...slowly....and by slowly, I mean not at all.

To Hell with Creative Expression.

It has been awhile since I've written, and I'm not in the most stable of moods (am I ever?). I just can't seem to muster up the motivation to do anything anymore. I make appointments, and I go to them, I schedule classes, and I go to them. I do the work, I repeat.

I've recently come to discuss the status of two questions, or rather, debate the meaning and implication behind one question, which is really the only true philosophical question worth asking. As others put it "well I'm alive, so now what do I do with my life". My version is "well being alive is optional, so now what do I do with my life". So, I've gone about a search looking for reasons, and well, the question has no true answer that anyone can give me. While I imagine most people are content to let their lives continue on like a piece of meat left out to rot, with no real meaning or purpose, I am less so driven. As I have said before, the end result is all the same, so why bother going through it at all?

But I digress from self-righteous depressed rantings on suicidal ambitions and the futility of life.

The title of this post comes from my lack of ability to express myself. Not in said, written psychological methods, but in creative emotional outlet form. My guitar playing has good technique, but its composition is garbage. Graphic art has never really had the direct emotional release I am looking for, and was never my real strong point. I've thought about creative writing, but while I have some ideas brewing around, I don't have the infrastructure to put them all together, much less in any emotionally relieving form. So what does that leave me with? Well, a beer for one, as it seems to make the world a bit more tolerable. Though my alcoholic brother can attest to that much, it doesn't much solve the problem.

In closing, two quotes.

"How weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable

 Seem to me all the uses of this world!" - Hamlet, Act I, scene ii, lines 133-138 [Hamlet]

&

"...because no matter what, no matter how much money you make, no matter
how many gowns you bone, no matter how many times you groove like
NOBODY ever grooved before, in a hundred years or so, your dust.
Crumbling soot in a pine box, that our loved ones went all out for so
that you could be, crumbling soot in a pine box" - Highway, Johnny the Fox

..i'm such a perky gal.

Some are Lakes

This entry has been brought to my attention by my apparent emotional
fragility. What I find interesting is just how apt to mood swings I am
when alone. If I'm in the company of someone these are usually censored
out somewhat, to that I feel at least somewhat constant.



However, listening to the new Land of Talk album, I've gone from a low,
to a nice mellow warmth, almost as if I'd consumed some alcohol to get
that first glowing warmth from inside.



None of which would be possible if my roommate were still
here...interesting. It makes me wonder to what extent I subconsciously
control the magnification of my emotions.



A second thought, is to what extent I am simply hiding them under the
gender stereotype that males aren't supposed to express emotion
(granted I hardly fall into that category [ in mindset anyways{ for
now}]) and that I wait to express them to myself when I'm alone...interesting thoughts.

On Regality

I was told I had an aura of regality today, I wasn't quite sure what to make of it. The girl who told me then added that I had a sense of grace about me, which I take as quite the compliment as I try to express my subtle nuances as loudly as possible.

So, news:

I got my class ring, it is quite pretty, but the main issue about that night was that I told my father about being trans. He was pretty well receiving of the information, though to be honest, I don't exactly recall everything that was said (alcohol will do that, what? I'm weak, what can I say). But there is a planned extended discussion about the issue and its...entails, later on this week.

Today was the Lavender Graduation, which is a commencement ceremony for all of us LGBTQA folk. It was a little odd since I will still be around, but generally pretty fun. I didn't get to talk to the adviser though, which bummed me out a bit. So now I think I will have to email her and ask about HRT, and where to go about getting that started.

The roommate will be leaving tomorrow, which means I have two whole days to myself to dress up, and be as much of a girly hermit as I want to. Though I don't know what if anything I will do in those two days.

As for my mental health, well it is as flaky as ever. I've been absoarbing myself in video games and movies as much as possible to avoid spending any time in my head. I had a pretty intense cry today, but that isn't anything unordinary. I'm trying to starve off another round of it at the moment, in which I may just go to bed and sleep it off.

I try and remember just what all I have done this year, and how far i've come. But that doesn't really mean anything when looking in the mirror and still seing horrors.

HA, well on that cherry note, I bid you adieu.

On the criminality of being female

So, I have to blame the pregnant man for this rant, not that I have any issues with him, but my roommate does apparently. Which is what brought up this entire issue. My roommate argued quite passionately for the maintaining of the divide between genders. He argued that he was a liar because the pregnant man's chromosomes didn't match that of a typical man (XX vs XY).

My stance on the issue is both that there is no such thing as Male or Female, but a sliding scale or spectrum of the two. Just as there are degrees of sexual preference, and that almost no one is 100% purely strait or gay, gender is much the same way. To the extent that there is no such thing as a pure or "real" man and a pure or "real" woman.

Of course his whole and entire argument lies on the basis that there is a chromosomal difference between biological males and females. While he is content to say that difference is the sole and only judgment for male and female, I do not agree. I say that a persons gender (be it role, identity, or other entirely) is much more determined by a persons behavior, personality, habits, culture, etc. Rather than look at a single aspect of a persons genetics, I think it is more true to look at the entire picture of aspects, and I don't think that one aspect of a person's DNA is the end all be all criterion for the basis of gender.

That said, why does that have to do with the criminality of being female in this country? Well as my roommate passionately went on about what it meant to be male and how the pregnant man isn't one, his debate began to confirm a position I've had for a while. That being that it is a crime to be female in this country. Now I don't mean it in a way that you will go to jail and be prosecuted. I mean it in that everything in this country revolves around men, masculinity, and anyone who is less than that, or appears to be less, is cast down, ridiculed, oppressed, or discriminated against.

Think about this, why are women still less than 1% of executive officers, despite earning half of all the masters degrees in this country, and being half of the workforce (source: Economist.com). Why are FTM (Female to Male) transexuals less scrutinized than their MTF counterparts, why are femme lesbians admired but butch lesbians shunned? In this country, masculinity is worshipped, and anything that appeals to masculinity is admired. So a MTF transsexual is shunned for casting off masculinity, a femme lesbian is approved of because she becoming more masculine (being attracted to women) while still retaining her attraction AS a woman. Compare that to masculine lesbians, who are not nearly given as much limelight or compassion for their ways of life.

Just a bit of an annoyance of mine on an observation, that it seems as long as you have a penis, or are attractive to one, you are alright. But the second you denounce one, you are cast off by this society.

What do you think? Am I way off base? Or do I ring a true tune.
))

On Libido Destruction

So I wanted to write this entry to talk about libido, hormones, and the resulting effect and desire of each.

Basically, I think as most well admit, young males tend to have very active libidos. This is fine for most of them, it doesn't quite work as well in my situation condition. In short, it is killing me.

I know that may sound a bit dramatic, but it is very true. One of the main reasons I'm wanting to start taking hormones and beginning that transition is that it effectively halts a male libido. Having to deal with these urges leads to some very unpleasant, violent, and self destructive tendencies. If anything is going to send me over the edge, it is going to be that.

While there are pleasant side effects to taking hormones, most of those only come with long term use (most won't see breast development until around the one year mark). This is the main immediate effect I am looking for (libido reduction not breast development).

At times I don't think people really grasp how deep my hatred for this organ goes. It is the bane of my existence. It isn't a matter of "not being happy" with it, it isn't a cosmetic thing, it isn't that I would like to change it in some form, I would like nothing more than to take a knife to it and be rid of it. Unfortunately, It is needed for future surgeries to be successful. So my hope is that hormones will lower my ..distaste for the organ enough to tolerate it.

On that cheery note, I leave you, I'm still pondering over what to do about telling my father, and the holidays and all that mess, rest assured I will let you all know...just as soon as I do.

A Thanksgiving week Update and reflection on the year past.

Well, being thanksgiving, I decided to get a bit reminiscent of all the things I've done, so far, this year.

But before I do that, lets get caught up to speed. My classes are winding down, I've got two finals, and two projects to finish up until I graduate. It will be interesting to see where life goes after this, though I have a pretty good idea of what is around the corner. Mainly more school and finding employment.

My depression has somewhat been evaded, in that I've been pretty successfully distracting myself with either school, social events, or just being plugged into the net/computer.

Thursday was Transgender day of Remembrance. I went with Scott up to Austin to the ceremony there. 27 people were murdered this year...over two per month, murdered because of who they were. It was pretty heartbreaking.

So, onto the main point of this entry, the year past...

Winter:
Well, I had my crash in January which was the low point in my life so far in regards to depression and suicidal tendencies. From there, I talked to some friends of mine about just life in general (still wasn't talking about being trans at that point to most).

Spring:
In March (at least I want to say it was March, it might have been later in the spring) I told my mom, which wasn't easy as she was the first person of my immediate family who I told. It didn't go..quite as I had planned, but it still went relatively well.

I started going to Therapy in May, which has been a tremendous help, At times I wish it would go faster in regards to where I am, but I think its important to take things as they come.

Summer:
I moved down to Houston for the summer, which was a mixed bag. On the one hand I needed the money to pay for other things, on the other it is like living in a guest house for three months, in that you never really feel like it is home. Not because of my parents mind you, just with neither of them knowing (at the time) it can feel a bit confining and repressive having to watch all of your actions (not that I tried very hard this time).

But not was all bad, I did get closer to Marisa who is a great friend of mine. I bought a new guitar (finally a decent 6 string), and did a lot of soul searching on what I want in terms of a career.

Towards the end I moved back to San Marcos, I moved in with Tony who is a good friend of mine, and has proven to be a pretty good roommate.

I started up therapy again (had a brief intermission while I was down in Houston).

I also told some other friends of mine, all of which have been supportive.

Fall:
School started back up, busier than most semesters, but that is to be expected.

I began buying more clothes and shoes to increase my femme wardrobe, including make up and the rest.

Started electrolysis on my neck and facial hair (shaving is for the birds).

I told my step-mom in a rather impersonal series of emails, while I was less apprehensive about her reaction as she is much more liberal/open-minded in my experience than my biological parents. She was understanding, curious (as most people are) and supportive, to which I am grateful.

I also told my brother, in an even more impersonal text message. I was driving back from electrolysis and randomly told him what was going on. I don't know why I got the urge, but I'm glad the weight is off my shoulders about him. He was cool about it (literally in that he didn't seem to have an opinion one way or the other, although he was supportive) but that is normal for him.

Current:
Well I suppose that is a brief overview of what I have done over the year. I know some of you are probably wondering about the key immediate family member I left out, my father, and where he fits into this. Well I haven't told him yet, I plan to do it around Christmas time as that is the next time I will see him, but I haven't exactly decided on the details of it.

Graduation is around the corner, and I'm excited to get that degree, while I am set to go for my masters, it is still a big accomplishment to finish this.

I'm anxious to see where the next year gets me, I'm wanting to start HRT as soon as possible, though I know my mother has her concerns regarding grandchildren, though they are more HER concerns than mine. Along with continuning the transition process, but the next big step is to tell my father, and get the core family completely on board..to some extent or another.

On Depression and understanding

Well, what can I say, I know a trans woman being depressed isn't exactly daring writing, but it is my life so, I dish it out as it comes. So, i'm trying to keep my fatalism and cynicism in check, but my main fear is that the end result of this journey will see me still unconfident in my appearance. I know I shouldn't worry about it, but there isn't much I can do but worry. I'm wanting to start HRT as soon as possible to see its results and one of the downsides of that is that it pushes me out of the safety zone. While I'm wanting that, it is also quite scarey, especially at the time and place I am at in life. I know I can probably hide the results for awhile, but I just don't know what the world is going to throw at me.

In other areas, I think some people still just don't have a good understanding of my motivations, I've been getting a lot of questions as to my capability to make life altering decisions. I counter this by saying at what point ARE you ready to make those decisions. Anyways, it is just going to come down to me taking more time to explain it to everyone who wants to question me. Not that it will change my mind or my plan, but it's important for them to understand.

On the election

Well I am quite happy with the turnout, This is the first in a long step towards equal rights for us trans folk, and the further back into the recesses of those old church pews the Neo-Conservatives are pushed the better my life becomes.

This was a pivotal moment for us, the younger generation, to show that we do have a voice, and that if you listen to us, you can gain our support. I think that future elections will have to at least address our causes and concerns as time goes on. There was a big risk of the youth vote not turning out, and perhaps loosing a political voice for the next two decades at least. They did however, show up, and in record numbers. I am quite  proud of the younger generation, and I feel this is a great moment in history.