My life part 10,878: Voldemorte Returns

I really dislike losing friends. A while back I had asked for my ex to be excluded from an event that I considered to be our anniversary. I wouldn't be able to go, and having recently split up, the idea of her there with her other partner, felt violating to me. Any other day/event I'd have been fine with, but not that one.

There are a few problems with that idea. For one, it isn't my place to dictate where a person can't go because I have an emotional attachment. It's my baggage to deal with, and I shouldn't be hoisting it onto to other people. Two, it's an abuse of my connection to a host of events, I can't imagine he would exclude someone based on a different person's request, but he did here largely because of his feelings towards me. Third, I should have talked to my ex about it directly, rather than going around her to achieve my desires, though granted, I can't imagine a scenario where she accepts the request (likely one reason I opted not to go through her).

In all of these, I'm in the wrong. My friends, who've talked to me about it, have all largely agreed in that. I don't claim to defend any of the above, but just explain it.

I've hurt her because of that said action, and hence apologized as that wasn't my intent. I wasn't trying to punish anyone, just protect what to me, felt like a vulnerability. Again, exposition.

What, turns that into the ending of a friendship/relationship (I left for Thailand on fuzzie terms), is the point where the communication breaks down. Lashing out in an attempt to drive me away is a shitty form of saying "I need some space". I tried and offered to help in anyway possible, from giving space, to the inverse, to never seeing her again if that was desired. Those aren't my preferred outcomes, but I'll accept them. I do however need them verbalized clearly though, that isn't asking much. 

I don't have the time or energy to deal with that. Tell me what you want me to do, and I'll do it. What I did was wrong, and if that breaks that friendship for you, okay, I'll accept that, but you have to tell me directly.

As is, I remain open to reconnecting, though I don't see that happening anytime soon. It's disappointing, and sad, and a little petty. Anyone who's read this knows repeatedly the slights and hurts I've dealt with over the past two years, this, seems rather pale in comparison yet there it is.

Coming out day

It is National Coming out day, and I am struck by a complication of things. I've come to believe that coming out day is a day to release things that you've been holding inside. It seemed appropriate that I discuss what has been bothering me lately, and that came out as "a girl with suicidal tendencies".  Honestly, I see these young kids who kill themselves, and a part of me thinks they have the right idea. As someone with no fear of death, and no particular enjoyment of life, taking one's life has never been a moral question for me, but one of practicality. It always seemed an easy solution to a problem that many people struggle to see. Everyone dies regardless, and I don't see the harm in taking a short cut there when there is no particular enjoyment in life.

I'm feeling normal again, but this past Saturday I felt a depression that was abnormally bad. Something I hadn't felt in a particularly long time. This overwhelming patheticness and hopelessness, loneliness and fatalism that was all but overwhelming. I thought hard about cutting but refrained, and I'm thankful that I've learned to cry a lot more easily. The cause can be traced back to a lack of resources, and being stuck inside my apartment, again. I don't particularly enjoy staying inside, but it is something I've had to deal with more frequently this semester as my few friends now have scheduling problems. I'll spare you other details, but suffice to say that things built upon one another.

I was out of it the next day, but it has given me some serious doubts on what I want to do after graduation, and how I'm going to go about doing it. I'm much more fragile than I remembered.

Making Plans

Previously, I've mentioned how I spent much of my teenage years locking myself away behind doors and televisions. I'm also leaving my home for the last three years this semester. This leaves me wanting to go out and celebrate life as much as possible because it is the last bit of it here I will get. However, I have night classes, in which I'm in class when most people are ending their day. Normally this isn't an issue, however at times, like tonight, I end up wanting to go out and socialize, and get blown off and excused away to my apartment, to lock myself away behind doors and televisions. I find people who I still call my friends, don't even bother returning calls anymore. I guess I at least know where I stand. Soon enough I will simply drop them out of my life, I've no need of acquaintances.

In other depressing news!

Unfortunately, there is no way for me to alter my bone structure. At least, not to the extent I am wanting. Recently the body image issue that is cropping up is my broadness, the large shoulder bones and ribs. In mirrors I simply keep imagining my body with smaller shoulders and a thinner rib cage. Alas, there isn't anything I can do about it, but that still doesn't make me want to keep them. I suppose I'm waiting for my hips to fill out, or my behind...or my thighs, but that seems to be stalling out as it is. 

The other issue, is in trying to find or discover a female orgasm. It is possible, I've heard from people who had female orgasms before having any surgeries. I however, can't seem to find one (not for lack of trying). Anytime I do however, it is the same thing I've always had. I'm beginning to feel like I may not be able to, at the moment, nothing seems quit so depressing as that. I feel I tolerate many of the ...sacrifices I have to make in comparison to cisgender females. I can tolerate being slightly taller, slightly broader, slightly thinner, slightly less endowed. I struggle with having to shave, I wince at not being a mother, and I cringe at my genitals. I somehow manage to live with all of this, but trying and trying over and over again to find something that should be rightfully mine already and a non-issue, is unfair and unjust. It makes me feel like I am broken. (Well, more so).

Moving On, or Moving Out.

I think I'm beginning to grow weary of the community at this college. Not just the GLBTs that I pal around with, but the atmosphere in general is one of mediocrity.  I won't bother going on with examples, but suffice to say that the population of this university doesn't intellectually impress me. They are lazy minds, slaves to easy ignorance and biases.

This distaste for the college isn't divorced from the GLBT movement though. Recently I've grown very disillusioned, jaded, and cynical towards the community here. Some of it is brought on by the underclassmen, some of it from those who are supposed to be giving back to the community, and some of it is from myself as well. I mentioned before that I considered leaving the US because of the hostile climate and culture here, and it is only magnified in Texas. The hopelessness I feel towards having little effective change is only exacerbated by the lack of commitment from the younger generation. Everyone seems to have their own agenda, and I've begun questioning the character of people who I used to think were good friends. Nobody seems to care about the community anymore, and their apathy is reflected in my own cynicism.

I've thought about taking my last semester in Austin just as a reprieve from this, but, I'm not sure that is an answer to this.

Things in general are just...negative. This distaste of the community, the lack of intellectual stimulation, the loneliness, and the destitute nature of college life are beginning to wear deeply on me.