pitter, patter.

I'm beginning to wonder just how many times I can rewrite the same thing. I've still refrained from cutting, though I had the urge to. I'm going to try and adjust my body hours as it seems the times that are the worst, are also the ones late at night. It is November already, and I'm somewhat stuck here. I can't move anywhere yet, and yet, I've practically said my goodbyes already. These are going to by my last weeks in the city, and the pomp and circumstance is apparently few and far between.

My expectations about Denver were accurate, as soon as another romance appeared on the horizon he disappeared. I suspected this was going to happen, it is just sad to confirm my status as a substitute. It isn't something I'm real upset over, I knew this was how things were going in, but it doesn't help to have another name I won't call when I feel like shit late at night.

It all contributes to being alone. I don't mean in a purely romantic sense, though that is a lot of it. I feel alone in that I don't think anyone else cares anymore. Not genuinely anyway. I often have fantasies about my funeral (don't read that as suicide), and who all shows up, the outpouring of emotion. That emotional connection is what I'm looking for. A sense of oneness.

Looking into that now, I find a yearning for oneness because I have such little desire to be purely myself. If I can delve into someone else, even if temporarily, that is a night, hour, minute, or precious couple of seconds that I'm not stuck being myself. I can hear the words of my ex now "You don't love yourself". I've never heard words that made me feel so judged so harshly before. Probably because it was coming from someone I trusted. I don't feel the need to expunge that phrase with all of the many reasons of why it is crap. Suffice to say that most Trans people will know the feeling, and generally fewer cis people will, if to the extent that we do.

Further, I may contaminating my emotions, but I think the loneliness is exacerbated by my sterility. I fantasise all the time about being a cis-gender person with kids, but...that isn't a life I get to have. I have been denied that right, and privilege. I guess I am still mourning that loss, more so than I thought, and trying to do it alone is that much harder.

Tests

For the first time, in a long time, I'm beginning to feel genuinely frightened and anxious. Nervous and stressed, torn and unsure. I was talking to Denver the other day, and when I remarked on my infinite options, he said to let it set me free, and that some people would kill to have my situation. That didn't do much for me, despite his sweet motivation. I've been romanticizing him and our situation for something to hold onto. Some resemblance of structure or plan in my life. Some sort of direction, even if false, is better than nothing. Not that I'm opposed to the romantic intentions we've conjured up together, but on one level, I don't see them as entirely genuine. I think we exploit the significant barriers between us for excuses to be more endearing than our feelings truly merit. Why? Because we all like to have a romantic interest, no matter how distant or unfeasible, knowing that someone is out there who likes you, is a powerful crutch for an old wound.

It isn't just the workload, yes, it is more than I anticipated being my last semester of graduate school, but I can handle that in and of itself. Some of it is seeing old friends of mine drift farther and father away, knowing that despite my attempts, I can't keep them interested in being friends. There is nothing there to build that closeness anymore.

Overall I think some of it is simply feeling alone. I'm not sure why this feeling has crept up now more so than before, but even my closer friends seem more distant and..detached from me. I catch them doing things that offend me, or being innocently and ignorantly cruel, which is unlike them.

The large chunk of the anxiety is from not knowing what I'm doing once I graduate. As I said above, I've infinite possibilities before me, and aside from a few constraints, there is no wrong direction. I don't know what to do, and it is driving me mad. There is so much pressure to figure out what to do, and to do it fast. Yet at the same time unreasonable expectations are being made, I'm to find a job immediately and start working, when I'm young, inexperienced, and transgender. All three of these categories have very high relative rates of unemployment. I'm not using that as an excuse, but just as explanation as to why I'm expecting to encounter resistance. On the other side, there have been no listening ears to vent to. Hence, I'm left to vent my frustrations on here in some sort of relief. Lord knows I've no other outlets these days.

I really need to get over my little crushes. I've a terrible habit of getting hyper-romantic over straight female friends of mine from my past. In some instances I find myself wanting to block them completely so I don't have to see them, but I never manage to get that far. I suppose I'm looking for something in them, I'm looking for what I want to be.

wow....that's depressing. In the end, it boils down to the same insecurities, the same desires, and the same fears that I've always had. Body, mine, and the lack of any other.

Recouperation

So the other night I had a nice little welcome back party. It was a pretty good time overall, and I'm glad people had fun, however somethings ended up bothering me. The main of which, was that I can't figure out what was bothering me. Usually I can spot these things pretty well, but this has been eluding me.

I know one of the things was that it was somewhat hijacked into a play party. While that is fine, I have no issues with play parties at all, in and of themselves. It wasn't what I was expecting, and so I think I was a bit taken aback, and felt left out of the party. While I did partake a bit, it simply wasn't my thing.

Towards the end, after I had already gotten somewhat uncomfortable, my ex told one of her friends playfully that ze loved him. It was just in that friendship sort of way, and I know there wasn't an romantic intent behind it. It bothered me however because of all the times I have said it to hir, it was never returned. So hearing words I wanted to hear thrown about so casually without any meaning to someone else hurt me. I know it was unintentional, but it is just that same lack of consideration that I get from so many people.

It isn't unusual. Most people don't think about these things, or give it much consideration. Perhaps that is why Denver (the boy from the previous post, as this is his new name on here) had such a draw for me. Being a Cancer, it seemed he picked up on the details better than most people.

I was going to write on about how I'm tired of being in love, and dating, but that would be a fallacy. I am simply tired of dating and loving the wrong people. Perhaps I just need to work on controlling myself, so that I don't fall so madly in love with everyone. It just, goes against my nature however. Being so closed off from people for so long, I want nothing more than to love everyone and be as close as possible to them.

Contrasts

I am finally back home, and glad to be. Definitely an interesting experience however.

As a follow up to the last post, I talked to my ex and found out that I wasn't being ignored, but ze wanted to create distance. Reasonable enough I suppose, though I still find myself possessive and jealous over things. I believe that is normal as I still have some feelings there.

Seattle did my spirit worlds of good, after that we went down to Portland for a night, then to Denver to visit a friend of one of my companions. This is where the plot thickens.

My connection to this person was pretty strong, we share astrological signs, and we were flirting pretty heavily through the time I was there. When we went to a local Gay bar, I confirmed the feelings towards me, and things escalated from there.

Things didn't get terribly serious, we were, after all, sharing a room with my two other companions, and I am not a quiet girl usually. What I find curious about this encounter however, is the upfront fickleness of it, and my sexual attraction to him. As a self confessed "100% hetero", the attraction to a trans-woman is somewhat complicated. I wasn't sure what to think until he made his intentions clear later on that night. I had no issues with him though, he was cute, charming, considerate, intelligent, and basically enjoyable to the last detail. I can't honestly say my attraction isn't heightened due to contrast against my ex however.

Looking at it now, I think one of the issues was that my gender was never called into question, I always felt very feminine around him. being with someone taller and larger than me was also an enjoyable change. I'll spare you the details, but I found myself easily falling into a comfort zone around him that, had the situation been different, may have flourished in something of a relationship. Which, brings me to my last bit, the fickleness. This was not my first sexual encounter with a genetic male. One thing I find distasteful is their eagerness, and the lack of control they exude. I know this behavior because it use to be one of mine. I amused myself when I caught him doing motions and routines that I used to do. Being trans gives me sort of an playbook on how males work, more so I believe than genetic females, but I digress. I think we both just knew it wasn't going to amount to much, and so if we could give each other something enjoyable, then why not.

So why the entry then? Well I'd lie if I said casual sexual encounters were my favorite, but, I think in this case, no real harm was done. I wasn't assuming a purpose or cause in it like I had the last time I slept with my ex, and thus I have no real emotional attachment, aside from some pleasant notions that I would like to enjoy again at some time, with someone.