Insomnia..again

I got caught up tonight looking at cute condominiums that I can't afford to buy.  This largely mirrors most of my life at the moment. While things are going very very well, there is still an overall aching for things. I'm exhausted of being a poor college/graduate student and living meager means. Not that I have some huge desires of grandeur, I actually plan to live quit modestly, but simply having a place of my own, and body parts that match, ...to be married...things that, seem simple yet are huge investments in life. I'm...not quite sure why it is I want these things, I suppose, I'm just ready to get up and move on to that next phase. I'm tired of being limited by things, by finances, by gender identity, by body dysmorphia, by being alone.

I'm..terrified that I'll prove my mother right, that I'll be alone for most of my life. I'm terrified that when I say I love you, and when my partner says it back, that we are talking about two different emotions. There is a huge amount of insecurity and distrust in being in love with other people. I've, so far, resisted largely the urge to second guess and question motivations and reasonings behind how/why/when people say they love me. Never look a gift horse, or in this case, a love given freely, in the mouth. I'm grateful just to have people in my life that love me, but my paranoia and fear of being alone, again, leaves me unsure and insecure.

Perhaps that is why I have these foolish notions of marriage, that it somehow means a true bond between people, or some sort of validation of feelings. In that same token, collaring could be just as useful. It seems somewhat less permanent however. Though, it isn't like marriage is either.

I think I'm just naive still, with hopeless romantic notions of love that simply don't exist anymore. 

When asked why I didn't think I would ever get married, I dodged the question. In reality, I don't think I'll ever find anyone who loves me that much. Loves me enough to put up with all the baggage and "yeah but"s and other abnormalities that comes with marrying me.

That is the root of why I'm a submissive most of the time. Having someone else take charge, and touch me, hurt me, or simply give me attention is validation in my desirability. In my sick mind I've equated desirability with femininity, and thus to be one is to be the other. Which, I think, is all I ever wanted. From partners, or my parents when I was growing up, all I've ever wanted was to simply be wanted, at least, then it is proof I exist in some form or another.

But then, I guess we are all still just recovering from the mistakes of our mothers and fathers.

Frailty

I've been crying a lot more it seems. Well, at least more regularly. I've been reminiscing  about my childhood, watching old cartoons from when I was a kid, and just remembering a lot of things with a new perspective. Just before I tried to go to bed I kept thinking about all the things I'm denied by birth. I'll never know what it is like to grow up female. I'll never experience a girls locker room, I'll never get to gossip with other girls over trivial bullshit. I know it is petty, and that most girls won't say any of these things are really hallmarks of their life, but they shouldn't have been hallmarks in mine as well.

This speaks to the larger, longing to which I've come to succumb to. That of the normal, cisgender female. While, I'm pretty sure just about every trans girl ever to have been has longed for this, I find it is the smaller details and memories that I miss out on that bother me more than the physical aspects of my body these days. Not that my body is particularly appealing to me still, but at least that is progressing. There is no way I can gain those memories and experiences.

I find it strange that during these lows I still get suicidal notions. Being out of my depression it is obviously less of an actuality, but the fantasy is still there. Maybe I should stop watching the wonder years, though I find I get similar themes in other shows from my childhood, things I don't remember feeling when I watched them at the time, but that I know where there...hidden, deep inside. I'm glad I can remember those emotions, but I can't bear them full on. The intensity of them scared me when I first pushed into those emotional memories and I'm hesitant to test how strong those currents run, lest they take me with them.

I'm not sure this is something I can face. There are few things I'm scared to deal with in my life, confronting my father on his emotional neglect, facing the explicit limitations of being trans,  and apparently the depth of how much I've hidden away from myself over the past 12 years of hiding. I knew I was good at faking normality, escapism, but I didn't think I'd actually been so good as to hide it from myself. Sometimes I find it amazing that I'm alive at all.

Making Plans

Previously, I've mentioned how I spent much of my teenage years locking myself away behind doors and televisions. I'm also leaving my home for the last three years this semester. This leaves me wanting to go out and celebrate life as much as possible because it is the last bit of it here I will get. However, I have night classes, in which I'm in class when most people are ending their day. Normally this isn't an issue, however at times, like tonight, I end up wanting to go out and socialize, and get blown off and excused away to my apartment, to lock myself away behind doors and televisions. I find people who I still call my friends, don't even bother returning calls anymore. I guess I at least know where I stand. Soon enough I will simply drop them out of my life, I've no need of acquaintances.

In other depressing news!

Unfortunately, there is no way for me to alter my bone structure. At least, not to the extent I am wanting. Recently the body image issue that is cropping up is my broadness, the large shoulder bones and ribs. In mirrors I simply keep imagining my body with smaller shoulders and a thinner rib cage. Alas, there isn't anything I can do about it, but that still doesn't make me want to keep them. I suppose I'm waiting for my hips to fill out, or my behind...or my thighs, but that seems to be stalling out as it is. 

The other issue, is in trying to find or discover a female orgasm. It is possible, I've heard from people who had female orgasms before having any surgeries. I however, can't seem to find one (not for lack of trying). Anytime I do however, it is the same thing I've always had. I'm beginning to feel like I may not be able to, at the moment, nothing seems quit so depressing as that. I feel I tolerate many of the ...sacrifices I have to make in comparison to cisgender females. I can tolerate being slightly taller, slightly broader, slightly thinner, slightly less endowed. I struggle with having to shave, I wince at not being a mother, and I cringe at my genitals. I somehow manage to live with all of this, but trying and trying over and over again to find something that should be rightfully mine already and a non-issue, is unfair and unjust. It makes me feel like I am broken. (Well, more so).

Contrasts

I am finally back home, and glad to be. Definitely an interesting experience however.

As a follow up to the last post, I talked to my ex and found out that I wasn't being ignored, but ze wanted to create distance. Reasonable enough I suppose, though I still find myself possessive and jealous over things. I believe that is normal as I still have some feelings there.

Seattle did my spirit worlds of good, after that we went down to Portland for a night, then to Denver to visit a friend of one of my companions. This is where the plot thickens.

My connection to this person was pretty strong, we share astrological signs, and we were flirting pretty heavily through the time I was there. When we went to a local Gay bar, I confirmed the feelings towards me, and things escalated from there.

Things didn't get terribly serious, we were, after all, sharing a room with my two other companions, and I am not a quiet girl usually. What I find curious about this encounter however, is the upfront fickleness of it, and my sexual attraction to him. As a self confessed "100% hetero", the attraction to a trans-woman is somewhat complicated. I wasn't sure what to think until he made his intentions clear later on that night. I had no issues with him though, he was cute, charming, considerate, intelligent, and basically enjoyable to the last detail. I can't honestly say my attraction isn't heightened due to contrast against my ex however.

Looking at it now, I think one of the issues was that my gender was never called into question, I always felt very feminine around him. being with someone taller and larger than me was also an enjoyable change. I'll spare you the details, but I found myself easily falling into a comfort zone around him that, had the situation been different, may have flourished in something of a relationship. Which, brings me to my last bit, the fickleness. This was not my first sexual encounter with a genetic male. One thing I find distasteful is their eagerness, and the lack of control they exude. I know this behavior because it use to be one of mine. I amused myself when I caught him doing motions and routines that I used to do. Being trans gives me sort of an playbook on how males work, more so I believe than genetic females, but I digress. I think we both just knew it wasn't going to amount to much, and so if we could give each other something enjoyable, then why not.

So why the entry then? Well I'd lie if I said casual sexual encounters were my favorite, but, I think in this case, no real harm was done. I wasn't assuming a purpose or cause in it like I had the last time I slept with my ex, and thus I have no real emotional attachment, aside from some pleasant notions that I would like to enjoy again at some time, with someone.