Obligations

Oh the holidays, what a useless period of time. I'm actually a big fan of what the holidays stand for, but it is another one of those things that I seemingly do without. The holidays are in general a huge source of conflict for me. While I'm grateful that my family relatives accept me for who I am, there is a growing disconnect between them and my life. The more time that passes, the less I feel any connection with them in my life. Aside from their support, and blood relation, I really don't see a binding tie between us. I just get this lingering feeling that they don't understand, and that something is missing. Looking back it seems that the notion of family left around sometime in my teenage years.

Specifically on Thanksgiving, it has become more and more about the food for me, and since it is usually pretty crappy food, I see no real desire to go outside of obligations. This is a notion that I think carries through to the rest of my relatives. People arrive, eat/finish the preparations, wait around for ten minutes, then leave. No one really wants to be there, they simply have to be out of obligations. Which makes me wonder what the point really is aside from keeping up some asinine gesture towards being a normal family, when, we aren't really at all. Everyone keeps secretes from each other, no one says what they mean, or secretly want. All of my relatives keep each other at such a huge distance that, I just can't help but feel isolated from them.

Which brings me to connections, love, really. I think about those that I truely care for, the people who alter my existence by simply being in my life. When I apply this to my relatives, there really is nothing beneficial there outside of financial support. Yes, I know they love me, but lately, I find that this is more because we are relatives, and not simply because we love each other. If they were just another couple, taking in a poor transgirl, I don't think my perspective or feelings would change much. This differs greatly from the people I consider my family, who inspire me to greatness, and make me want to be a better person.

So, the holidays feel more like a hassle, given the process I have to dance around to satisfy both sides of my relatives. It simply has no meaning left for me anymore, between the materialization, bad food, false pretenses and fake emotions, I really see no harmony in the season.

This lies on top of my own issues with family, and the feelings of loneliness that accompanies everything. There isn't anyone among my family that understands my issues, what it is like to be unable to bear children, for example, or dealing with hate groups and systemic discrimination. This all just leads to a feeling of alienation.

Lastly, I get feelings of guilt built up from everyone. From my friends who are envious that I get to spend time with my relatives, or indirectly from other transpeople who don't have families that accept them, or are no longer around. I get pushed from everyone to participate in these holidays because apparently one day they will no longer be around. Yet, for me, they haven't been around, nor will they be around, for me. They are just strangers who share DNA. In exchange for financial support (for the time being) I give them a the time of day, and my presence, for a little while if nothing more.

I feel no greater connection than that, which, as we know, is quite lonely. I think it is more, simply, time to move on with my life. I know, better than most, what a true family is, and what it is not.

pitter, patter.

I'm beginning to wonder just how many times I can rewrite the same thing. I've still refrained from cutting, though I had the urge to. I'm going to try and adjust my body hours as it seems the times that are the worst, are also the ones late at night. It is November already, and I'm somewhat stuck here. I can't move anywhere yet, and yet, I've practically said my goodbyes already. These are going to by my last weeks in the city, and the pomp and circumstance is apparently few and far between.

My expectations about Denver were accurate, as soon as another romance appeared on the horizon he disappeared. I suspected this was going to happen, it is just sad to confirm my status as a substitute. It isn't something I'm real upset over, I knew this was how things were going in, but it doesn't help to have another name I won't call when I feel like shit late at night.

It all contributes to being alone. I don't mean in a purely romantic sense, though that is a lot of it. I feel alone in that I don't think anyone else cares anymore. Not genuinely anyway. I often have fantasies about my funeral (don't read that as suicide), and who all shows up, the outpouring of emotion. That emotional connection is what I'm looking for. A sense of oneness.

Looking into that now, I find a yearning for oneness because I have such little desire to be purely myself. If I can delve into someone else, even if temporarily, that is a night, hour, minute, or precious couple of seconds that I'm not stuck being myself. I can hear the words of my ex now "You don't love yourself". I've never heard words that made me feel so judged so harshly before. Probably because it was coming from someone I trusted. I don't feel the need to expunge that phrase with all of the many reasons of why it is crap. Suffice to say that most Trans people will know the feeling, and generally fewer cis people will, if to the extent that we do.

Further, I may contaminating my emotions, but I think the loneliness is exacerbated by my sterility. I fantasise all the time about being a cis-gender person with kids, but...that isn't a life I get to have. I have been denied that right, and privilege. I guess I am still mourning that loss, more so than I thought, and trying to do it alone is that much harder.