Muted

I recently converted my laptop into a recording studio. I'll spare you the nerdy details but I really like the options I have in recording and creating. The problem lies in that I've lost my creativity. I can come up with a guitar riff or a chord progression, but I absolutely fail at being able to hear the completed work. I've no idea how the vocals/drums/bass should go, at all. This is a major disappointment to me, as I enjoy writing and composing, it just seems that in going through the higher education system I've had the creative voice stripped out of me. So while I have all these new toys to play around with, I have no idea or direction in which to take them. It's a glorified creative purgatory. For an aspiring artists, what else could it be?

Romantically, I'm trying to give up on some people that I've been in love with for a long time. I haven't really told them how I feel, but I know the possibilities of things working out is very slim. For the life of me I've tried to forget about them, but it seems anytime I try to talk to these people, or see them somewhere, I get aflutter, and don't know what to do with myself. It isn't that simple, as one is a friend I've had for a long time, who isn't interested in women, which makes things sad. Not in that I regret or would change who I am for a relationship, but I mourn for the love we won't share, as I feel it could have been wonderful.

So I'm trying to give up on those possibilities, but it's easier said than done.

Complications

I've been meaning to write this post for a couple weeks, but it's gotten put off for a while. It isn't something I'm wanting to admit, but I feel it will be beneficial to put into writing. Recently, as my emotionality has become much more prominent in my life, my negative moods and depression are much more apparent to those around me. While that isn't anything new, what I'm wanting to elaborate on is my inability to express myself in said mood. When friends give me hugs and ask me what's wrong, I'm left speechless and denied of any expression. One of the reasons I believe this happens is due to my upbringing, and the issues involved in that, but also that I have trouble believing that anyone actually cares enough to bother asking. The idea is such a shock to me that I often have to struggle to keep from weeping whenever people give me hugs when I'm upset.

In regards to my upbringing, I contribute this directly to the emotional negligence of my parents during my adolescence. I've always taken after my father and his stoic, emotionless manners, to my dismay. I have however grown beyond that into being able to express myself in most circumstances. However, if I'm upset, I clam up and for the life of my can not say what I need to. It is very frustrating and painful to live through. I don't think it is simply my cancer nature, as my withdrawal from things is usually long before I become emotionally involved.

Anyway, I'm still struggling with my dual nature. I've been working on accepting my past, but that is proving more difficult than I thought. In a way I'm living within two identities, the person I am now, and the person I was. When they work in harmony it feeds me a great strength of will and conviction against many things. However when they are at odds, say when I don't feel comfortable, or I'm forced to dress more androgynously than I'd like (I haven't come out in my classes), being intimate with someone, or am dealing with other aspects of my transition, it eats away, and cripples me.

I often feel deformed. Imperfect, unfinished, disingenuoun, and hopeless. Too ashamed of myself to let anyone inside, and too afraid to cry out.

Moving On, or Moving Out.

I think I'm beginning to grow weary of the community at this college. Not just the GLBTs that I pal around with, but the atmosphere in general is one of mediocrity.  I won't bother going on with examples, but suffice to say that the population of this university doesn't intellectually impress me. They are lazy minds, slaves to easy ignorance and biases.

This distaste for the college isn't divorced from the GLBT movement though. Recently I've grown very disillusioned, jaded, and cynical towards the community here. Some of it is brought on by the underclassmen, some of it from those who are supposed to be giving back to the community, and some of it is from myself as well. I mentioned before that I considered leaving the US because of the hostile climate and culture here, and it is only magnified in Texas. The hopelessness I feel towards having little effective change is only exacerbated by the lack of commitment from the younger generation. Everyone seems to have their own agenda, and I've begun questioning the character of people who I used to think were good friends. Nobody seems to care about the community anymore, and their apathy is reflected in my own cynicism.

I've thought about taking my last semester in Austin just as a reprieve from this, but, I'm not sure that is an answer to this.

Things in general are just...negative. This distaste of the community, the lack of intellectual stimulation, the loneliness, and the destitute nature of college life are beginning to wear deeply on me.

Waiting

I'm somewhat puzzled on what to write on this. I'm torn with stress and emotionality, I've tried to bond with people but it seems...in vein. Things at times, feel very futile and pointless. I'm tired of watching the things I want walk out the door.

I put on a brave persona, but, I think it's more just a test, to see if anyone can actually read through it to see what is really going on. Sadly, most either don't or can't read through it, or aren't interested enough to try.

I guess I just need to go to sleep....

Check Please

Sometimes I just feel like screaming, but such exuberant displays are not really my thing. So Instead I'll just rant on to people until I feel better. I think mostly though, is being tired of this situation. I'm tired of trying to bring people into my life, so I think from now on, if you don't want to be involved then don't bother. I don't want anyone here who doesn't want to be. Time and time again I've tried to tell people what is going on in my life, or tried to bring them into to be somehow involved. That doesn't really ever seem to work though. People are too wrapped up in their own worlds. Not that this is new, by any means, this has been going on since I was a child, people who are/were supposed to give a damn had better things to do.

What does that all have to do with all this? Well I'm just done trying, if you want to be a part of my life than make an effort, if not, don't sugar coat it, don't try and spare my feelings, because you're just dragging things out longer than necessary. Either be there, or don't, don't half ass it when it's convenient, and don't pretend to be there because you need something done.

So yes, check please, I'm done.

One Last Chance

I don't know what I'm doing. Well, I do, but, I don't know why. I'm fighting with myself, when I already know the outcome of the events I'm setting into motion. I know there is no harm in planting seeds of ideas that I want to bloom, but I am almost positive they won't. That somehow doesn't stop me from getting upset that they still never bloom.

*sigh* perhaps I'm just inebriated, but, well I know I should stop drinking but, there are just things that seem to me to be in need of finishing, or at least..worth pursuing.

I think the egregious error in this case is that I've assigned a face to my longing, and in doing so have made things so impossibly unattainable that I can't hope but for a mediocre failure instead of a fantastic one.

It is probably best to forget such notions but...I dunno, it seems I've the fools drive of hope that despite something as sure as the sun burning I'll still long to see it smothered.

The perks of living on an island.

Well one of the perks of living in the liberal island oasis of Texas, is that occasionally, the people who work in the government, are willing to help you out. This is the case for me most recently when I went to update the name on my driver's license. I asked the clerk to update my gender as well to read female. Normally they are supposed to ask for/require a surgeon's letter saying it has been done, but I was lucky enough to be granted an F without proof of letter.

This is very very lucky, and it makes my life unbelievably that much easier now.