Potentials (On Relationships)

Potentials? one wonders the point, or..possible eventualities of life. Of the trivialities of trust, or lack there of, and blindness of games. Vague, yes, but thats what life is. Slowly this is becoming more apparently defined the more I investigate.

I understand things about myself, I know why I want to be left alone, It's sad that it is already this early on, and here I am. I understand the situation, and the underlying motivations (on my part), but it raises the question again, though a different application.

Fascinating how a whole day can be ruined in the span of a single minute.

I think for once I would just like to not be able to boil things down to pros and cons. I ran with this venture on the hopes it might lead to something sweet and genuine, but I already feel myself dimensionalizing and weighing the relationship for its merits. Love I fear, is ever evasive and elusive.

Ce la vie apparently (downplay it, like I always do). Might as well start adjusting to the idea of solitude now, since it is already apparently (cynicism strikes again) inevitable. However, gifts are gifts, and I refuse to return moments in time to those who are no longer the people they were when they granted said moments, and however brief this ends up being, It was very nice.

Sigh, indeed.

I think this one just burnt out too quickly, rather, it never had a long life burning at its slowest, so perhaps its better to simply admire from afar, rather than get tangled in its inevitable oblivion.

Nite owls

I procrastinate to much, I had all day to finish my statistics homework, and just now got around to doing it. Not that I wouldn't normally be up at this time anyways, but It would have been much more efficient to do so earlier...but oh well.

This month is going to be hectic. I have to find a job, pack up and move, move, finish up my classes, get ready for finals and try to maintain my sanity in doing so. Not that I ever had it to begin with.

Alas, though, like with everything, taking it a day at a time seems to be the best option. My mood is generally upbeat as of recent. I know it is in no small part to recent steps in transitioning, and also getting closer to a potential romantic interest. I won't elaborate to much on that, but it is nice being close to another gender queer individual. Though, i'm not placing long term goals on any relationship, I know the person is leaving (or wanting to leave) the state upon graduation, so it is what it is, and as it is, I plan to enjoy it while I can.

With that out of the way, things feel content? Complacent? It is an interesting phenomenon for me, as it isn't something I'm used to, and I'm weary of being growing stagnate, this journey was founded on the aversion to stagnation and decay, and now that life seems to be in a more pleasant situation, I'm not going to let things regress by apathy and lethargy.

So, what do I have planned to kick me in the ass and get me moving? Well Bobcat Ball of course. It is a party thrown by the GLBT social organization I'm a member of, and it also happens to be a giant drag show, so it isn't uncommon to see everyone in drag. This of course gives me an opportunity to not be in drag, but be outside in an acceptable place, but all dressed up. It should be a pretty good event this semester, though I'm interested to see just how it goes..cautious, but optimistic.

Which brings me to another point, I was recently reading on a Trans forum about deep stealth, semi stealth, and being out. For clarifacation, deep stealth is basically erasing your past as the gender before transition. The more I think about this, the more I feel I will be semi-stealth, in that I have no problem telling people who are accepting and loving. This brings about the point of the spread of knowledge, and how controlable it is. In years past, I spent an exuberant amount of energy controlling the flow of information about the subject. Now, being able to just let that energy go, is quite relieving, but it is still somewhat of a worry. In that, one only really desires the people who are going to be accepting to know, those who are unsupportive are better off left in ignorance.

That being said, I have no problems with complete strangers reading my blogs, so tell your friends lol.

Rain

Well, aside from the fact that I've become disillusioned with my university, and its snooty expectations and lack of frame of reference, things are alright.

That sounds a bit general, and it is. I've got some time off, which is both good and bad, we all know having to much time to think can be dangerous. Especially for me. I think I'm just going to try and put life on hold for this week. As it stands, it is one of Texas' few thunderstorms, and I'm going to enjoy listening to it.

Hooray for procrastination (long entry)

SO I'm trying to make an effort to write more, the problem is just a complete lack of motivation in general. I've my first graduate exam in a couple of hours and didn't prepare for it like I know I should have, but at this point..I just can't seem to concentrate on the issue.

Well...okay it HAS been awhile. So, recent revelations, I've deemed these two-three years of my life upcoming the years of chaos as it is going to be the two most chaotic and transformative years of my life. I'll be transitioning, while finding a job, and continuing grad school (hopefully). If one of those things wasn't stressful enough i'm trying to do all three at the same time.

I've been taking them one at a time...sort of. I got my tax refund back and have been using it to purchase some clothes (finally). My first real experience with femenine clothing overall wasn't to bad, the problem is just my self image. I kept the undergarments as they fit ...relatively well, and tucking wasn't much of an issue, slightly haphazzard, but i'll get the hang of that eventually. I have no frame of reference for bras, so i'm going to avoid anymore of those until I start hormones.

I think what I'm really needing work on to get my confidence up is my voice. While I do work on it regularly, I haven't the gusto to record it yet, which is a major hinderance to progress.

....Thinking about it now, there are a few things I want to have done, that I could, I just don't have the courage to do. Which hints at an underlying fear of doing it; which is uncharacteristic of me. There are some things that I set my mind to and the world in itself won't stop me, yet...there are these small things that I could go out and do in a weekend that I can't seem to force myself to do on my own. I need to ponder over these things some more, but I'll move on for now.

My family has been overall supportive, though I've run into surface cracks. In an attempt to establish a emotional connection in an email my father called me son. I didn't make a big deal about it other than to note it, and ask him about it (best to nip this in the bud yes?). On the female side, my mother seemed to question my female attire before going out to dinner. While I was just a bit androgynous with a girls t-shirt, when I told her I was a bit girlie, she asked "well how girlie" with a tone of dissaproval, which hinted that my dress code may not have been suitable to go to dinner with them. However, once we met up she expressed no such attitude or hint of that, we even talked shoes.

So this hints at potential a bit of over-sensitivity, I know I'm looking for cracks and reasons for conflict, but I do so because I want to make sure they are firmly cemented with me in this (to use  a nice construction/building metaphor). Perhaps their lack of external conflict when I told them is what makes me want to be so thurough about their positions...I digress.

Well, rather than type everything out now, i'll save it for more entries later on in the week.

Meeting people

The question to ask is what is the point in meeting people. I ask this
while pondering over thoughts of a very cute strait girl. Knowing what
I know, and knowing my issues, I just can't help but feel slightly
pointless in the aspect. Granted you never know how people will react,
but does that warrant the cruelty inert in trying to pursue something
between her and myself?

So what is the point, granted we could
become friends, and much like many of my gal friends now I initially
had a romantic interest, it doesn't alter the inherent question. The
question being what is the point of it all. To my it just seems
pointless and moot, at least now, since I know most women aren't going
to want to deal with my issues. Hell I don't even want to deal with
them half the time.

It hurts being romantic.

That statement alone sums up more than you can imagine.

Melanie told me she longed for more out of her life today, I know the feeling, it is a feeling of a void in your life (at least mine seems to be) that is filled briefly for periods of time with the concept of a single beautiful night with someone.

Mine involves slow dancing and soft mellow light, which seems more and more distant with every passing moment.

I know, I know

I should update more often, if you gander off to the right you can see how my post count has trickled down as the months go on. Well, when I'm not staying up until 4:30 in the morning doing statistics homework, i'm busy trying to survive.

That said, things that make me happy: Shoes. Cliche yes, but hey, it helps. I snagged some great androgynous high tops that I love wearing now, and a killer pair of heels (buy one get one 1/2 off...I had to).  A few days later I was drunk and online (not a good combination for the bank account) and bought the cutest skirt. I'm ..skeptical about fitting into a small, but I have no hips (yet) so hopefully it will fit. I'll see about posting some interesting artifacts once it comes in.

Obligatory things that suck: Testosterone, I've come to think of this substance as a plague upon the minds of humanity. My own in particular. I will be particularly glad when I'm no longer subject to its effects, but as I am, it leads to a typical libido. One which leads me to typical places. Those places take my mind into places it doesn't enjoy being.

I try to stay out/away from those places, but the keyword is try. Anyways, I'm always looking out for my best interest (who isn't) which is why I don't keep guns or knives around me.

But I'm here, and hopefully ever step is one closer to getting this rotten substance out of my body. That said...I still need to work on my voice..which...is coming along quite...slowly....and by slowly, I mean not at all.

To Hell with Creative Expression.

It has been awhile since I've written, and I'm not in the most stable of moods (am I ever?). I just can't seem to muster up the motivation to do anything anymore. I make appointments, and I go to them, I schedule classes, and I go to them. I do the work, I repeat.

I've recently come to discuss the status of two questions, or rather, debate the meaning and implication behind one question, which is really the only true philosophical question worth asking. As others put it "well I'm alive, so now what do I do with my life". My version is "well being alive is optional, so now what do I do with my life". So, I've gone about a search looking for reasons, and well, the question has no true answer that anyone can give me. While I imagine most people are content to let their lives continue on like a piece of meat left out to rot, with no real meaning or purpose, I am less so driven. As I have said before, the end result is all the same, so why bother going through it at all?

But I digress from self-righteous depressed rantings on suicidal ambitions and the futility of life.

The title of this post comes from my lack of ability to express myself. Not in said, written psychological methods, but in creative emotional outlet form. My guitar playing has good technique, but its composition is garbage. Graphic art has never really had the direct emotional release I am looking for, and was never my real strong point. I've thought about creative writing, but while I have some ideas brewing around, I don't have the infrastructure to put them all together, much less in any emotionally relieving form. So what does that leave me with? Well, a beer for one, as it seems to make the world a bit more tolerable. Though my alcoholic brother can attest to that much, it doesn't much solve the problem.

In closing, two quotes.

"How weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable

 Seem to me all the uses of this world!" - Hamlet, Act I, scene ii, lines 133-138 [Hamlet]

&

"...because no matter what, no matter how much money you make, no matter
how many gowns you bone, no matter how many times you groove like
NOBODY ever grooved before, in a hundred years or so, your dust.
Crumbling soot in a pine box, that our loved ones went all out for so
that you could be, crumbling soot in a pine box" - Highway, Johnny the Fox

..i'm such a perky gal.