Some are Lakes

This entry has been brought to my attention by my apparent emotional
fragility. What I find interesting is just how apt to mood swings I am
when alone. If I'm in the company of someone these are usually censored
out somewhat, to that I feel at least somewhat constant.



However, listening to the new Land of Talk album, I've gone from a low,
to a nice mellow warmth, almost as if I'd consumed some alcohol to get
that first glowing warmth from inside.



None of which would be possible if my roommate were still
here...interesting. It makes me wonder to what extent I subconsciously
control the magnification of my emotions.



A second thought, is to what extent I am simply hiding them under the
gender stereotype that males aren't supposed to express emotion
(granted I hardly fall into that category [ in mindset anyways{ for
now}]) and that I wait to express them to myself when I'm alone...interesting thoughts.

Sob Stories

Well, I will start with the holidays, now that they are finally over at least. It was overall pleasant, but long as always. It was the first holiday with my family knowing about being trans. I got some nice things, and some of it being female was always a nice change from the routine. My father got me a pendant in particular that I liked, it was a representation of the three phases of womanhood (young/mature/old) and that meant a lot to me.

After that, I went back home, then to Austin to celebrate New Years at a friend of mines, the alcohol flowed, and my mood declined as usual. I did Christmas again the next day but with my mother's side. Fun again, but I can only take so much of her mother before I start to get my fill.

So that was the holidays, another year gone, It is easy for me to underwrite everything i've done this year, and stick to my fatalistic and cynical guns. It is something I fight against, but it sneaks up on me.

My father wants me to start seeing a specialist, which is fine with me, and might get me on hormones all that much faster (I want to start before my birthday in July). The only problem is going to be finding the funds to do so, in which, I'm currently unemployed and living off my savings. I didn't get the graduate assistant job I was wanting, but i'm still looking around for what I can find. If I watch my spending I can theoretically last the entire semester without a job, it just won't be any fun. I've already had to deal with spending a lot more than I had entended with christmas and other expenses that popped up. I've slowed my electrolysis to bi-monthly and even then I may slow it down again if I have to. Hopefully, however, I can find something decent to at least get me by.

Mentally, i'm everywhere. Well, not everywhere, i'm not hitting the stratosphere at all, but the lows are there, as always. I had some pretty bad times these past couple days, it comes with being alone all the time. That is just how it is. Well now that I have significantly bummed myself out again, I shall part ways. Adieu Adieu.

On Regality

I was told I had an aura of regality today, I wasn't quite sure what to make of it. The girl who told me then added that I had a sense of grace about me, which I take as quite the compliment as I try to express my subtle nuances as loudly as possible.

So, news:

I got my class ring, it is quite pretty, but the main issue about that night was that I told my father about being trans. He was pretty well receiving of the information, though to be honest, I don't exactly recall everything that was said (alcohol will do that, what? I'm weak, what can I say). But there is a planned extended discussion about the issue and its...entails, later on this week.

Today was the Lavender Graduation, which is a commencement ceremony for all of us LGBTQA folk. It was a little odd since I will still be around, but generally pretty fun. I didn't get to talk to the adviser though, which bummed me out a bit. So now I think I will have to email her and ask about HRT, and where to go about getting that started.

The roommate will be leaving tomorrow, which means I have two whole days to myself to dress up, and be as much of a girly hermit as I want to. Though I don't know what if anything I will do in those two days.

As for my mental health, well it is as flaky as ever. I've been absoarbing myself in video games and movies as much as possible to avoid spending any time in my head. I had a pretty intense cry today, but that isn't anything unordinary. I'm trying to starve off another round of it at the moment, in which I may just go to bed and sleep it off.

I try and remember just what all I have done this year, and how far i've come. But that doesn't really mean anything when looking in the mirror and still seing horrors.

HA, well on that cherry note, I bid you adieu.

On the criminality of being female

So, I have to blame the pregnant man for this rant, not that I have any issues with him, but my roommate does apparently. Which is what brought up this entire issue. My roommate argued quite passionately for the maintaining of the divide between genders. He argued that he was a liar because the pregnant man's chromosomes didn't match that of a typical man (XX vs XY).

My stance on the issue is both that there is no such thing as Male or Female, but a sliding scale or spectrum of the two. Just as there are degrees of sexual preference, and that almost no one is 100% purely strait or gay, gender is much the same way. To the extent that there is no such thing as a pure or "real" man and a pure or "real" woman.

Of course his whole and entire argument lies on the basis that there is a chromosomal difference between biological males and females. While he is content to say that difference is the sole and only judgment for male and female, I do not agree. I say that a persons gender (be it role, identity, or other entirely) is much more determined by a persons behavior, personality, habits, culture, etc. Rather than look at a single aspect of a persons genetics, I think it is more true to look at the entire picture of aspects, and I don't think that one aspect of a person's DNA is the end all be all criterion for the basis of gender.

That said, why does that have to do with the criminality of being female in this country? Well as my roommate passionately went on about what it meant to be male and how the pregnant man isn't one, his debate began to confirm a position I've had for a while. That being that it is a crime to be female in this country. Now I don't mean it in a way that you will go to jail and be prosecuted. I mean it in that everything in this country revolves around men, masculinity, and anyone who is less than that, or appears to be less, is cast down, ridiculed, oppressed, or discriminated against.

Think about this, why are women still less than 1% of executive officers, despite earning half of all the masters degrees in this country, and being half of the workforce (source: Economist.com). Why are FTM (Female to Male) transexuals less scrutinized than their MTF counterparts, why are femme lesbians admired but butch lesbians shunned? In this country, masculinity is worshipped, and anything that appeals to masculinity is admired. So a MTF transsexual is shunned for casting off masculinity, a femme lesbian is approved of because she becoming more masculine (being attracted to women) while still retaining her attraction AS a woman. Compare that to masculine lesbians, who are not nearly given as much limelight or compassion for their ways of life.

Just a bit of an annoyance of mine on an observation, that it seems as long as you have a penis, or are attractive to one, you are alright. But the second you denounce one, you are cast off by this society.

What do you think? Am I way off base? Or do I ring a true tune.
))

On Libido Destruction

So I wanted to write this entry to talk about libido, hormones, and the resulting effect and desire of each.

Basically, I think as most well admit, young males tend to have very active libidos. This is fine for most of them, it doesn't quite work as well in my situation condition. In short, it is killing me.

I know that may sound a bit dramatic, but it is very true. One of the main reasons I'm wanting to start taking hormones and beginning that transition is that it effectively halts a male libido. Having to deal with these urges leads to some very unpleasant, violent, and self destructive tendencies. If anything is going to send me over the edge, it is going to be that.

While there are pleasant side effects to taking hormones, most of those only come with long term use (most won't see breast development until around the one year mark). This is the main immediate effect I am looking for (libido reduction not breast development).

At times I don't think people really grasp how deep my hatred for this organ goes. It is the bane of my existence. It isn't a matter of "not being happy" with it, it isn't a cosmetic thing, it isn't that I would like to change it in some form, I would like nothing more than to take a knife to it and be rid of it. Unfortunately, It is needed for future surgeries to be successful. So my hope is that hormones will lower my ..distaste for the organ enough to tolerate it.

On that cheery note, I leave you, I'm still pondering over what to do about telling my father, and the holidays and all that mess, rest assured I will let you all know...just as soon as I do.

A Thanksgiving week Update and reflection on the year past.

Well, being thanksgiving, I decided to get a bit reminiscent of all the things I've done, so far, this year.

But before I do that, lets get caught up to speed. My classes are winding down, I've got two finals, and two projects to finish up until I graduate. It will be interesting to see where life goes after this, though I have a pretty good idea of what is around the corner. Mainly more school and finding employment.

My depression has somewhat been evaded, in that I've been pretty successfully distracting myself with either school, social events, or just being plugged into the net/computer.

Thursday was Transgender day of Remembrance. I went with Scott up to Austin to the ceremony there. 27 people were murdered this year...over two per month, murdered because of who they were. It was pretty heartbreaking.

So, onto the main point of this entry, the year past...

Winter:
Well, I had my crash in January which was the low point in my life so far in regards to depression and suicidal tendencies. From there, I talked to some friends of mine about just life in general (still wasn't talking about being trans at that point to most).

Spring:
In March (at least I want to say it was March, it might have been later in the spring) I told my mom, which wasn't easy as she was the first person of my immediate family who I told. It didn't go..quite as I had planned, but it still went relatively well.

I started going to Therapy in May, which has been a tremendous help, At times I wish it would go faster in regards to where I am, but I think its important to take things as they come.

Summer:
I moved down to Houston for the summer, which was a mixed bag. On the one hand I needed the money to pay for other things, on the other it is like living in a guest house for three months, in that you never really feel like it is home. Not because of my parents mind you, just with neither of them knowing (at the time) it can feel a bit confining and repressive having to watch all of your actions (not that I tried very hard this time).

But not was all bad, I did get closer to Marisa who is a great friend of mine. I bought a new guitar (finally a decent 6 string), and did a lot of soul searching on what I want in terms of a career.

Towards the end I moved back to San Marcos, I moved in with Tony who is a good friend of mine, and has proven to be a pretty good roommate.

I started up therapy again (had a brief intermission while I was down in Houston).

I also told some other friends of mine, all of which have been supportive.

Fall:
School started back up, busier than most semesters, but that is to be expected.

I began buying more clothes and shoes to increase my femme wardrobe, including make up and the rest.

Started electrolysis on my neck and facial hair (shaving is for the birds).

I told my step-mom in a rather impersonal series of emails, while I was less apprehensive about her reaction as she is much more liberal/open-minded in my experience than my biological parents. She was understanding, curious (as most people are) and supportive, to which I am grateful.

I also told my brother, in an even more impersonal text message. I was driving back from electrolysis and randomly told him what was going on. I don't know why I got the urge, but I'm glad the weight is off my shoulders about him. He was cool about it (literally in that he didn't seem to have an opinion one way or the other, although he was supportive) but that is normal for him.

Current:
Well I suppose that is a brief overview of what I have done over the year. I know some of you are probably wondering about the key immediate family member I left out, my father, and where he fits into this. Well I haven't told him yet, I plan to do it around Christmas time as that is the next time I will see him, but I haven't exactly decided on the details of it.

Graduation is around the corner, and I'm excited to get that degree, while I am set to go for my masters, it is still a big accomplishment to finish this.

I'm anxious to see where the next year gets me, I'm wanting to start HRT as soon as possible, though I know my mother has her concerns regarding grandchildren, though they are more HER concerns than mine. Along with continuning the transition process, but the next big step is to tell my father, and get the core family completely on board..to some extent or another.

On Depression and understanding

Well, what can I say, I know a trans woman being depressed isn't exactly daring writing, but it is my life so, I dish it out as it comes. So, i'm trying to keep my fatalism and cynicism in check, but my main fear is that the end result of this journey will see me still unconfident in my appearance. I know I shouldn't worry about it, but there isn't much I can do but worry. I'm wanting to start HRT as soon as possible to see its results and one of the downsides of that is that it pushes me out of the safety zone. While I'm wanting that, it is also quite scarey, especially at the time and place I am at in life. I know I can probably hide the results for awhile, but I just don't know what the world is going to throw at me.

In other areas, I think some people still just don't have a good understanding of my motivations, I've been getting a lot of questions as to my capability to make life altering decisions. I counter this by saying at what point ARE you ready to make those decisions. Anyways, it is just going to come down to me taking more time to explain it to everyone who wants to question me. Not that it will change my mind or my plan, but it's important for them to understand.