Mental State

Well it is about time for an update, since..well it has been to long. I find it easy to not write when I feel rather at ease so, I hope you don't go to long without visiting. My strain has transferred somewhat away from being trans, and more on general employment issues. While I'm still working on my Masters, i'm trying to find something I can do once I graduate. Easier said than done however.

I broke it off with the person I was seeing, well rather it was a mutual decision since we both knew we wouldn't marry the other. This was upsetting at the time, but a relieving as I think the way ze is going is not one I find attractive. Not that it is bad, it just isn't to my personal taste.

So to take back some of that compassion I've adopted a cat. She is the complete opposite of what I wanted, in that she is very generic looking. I wanted something a bit unique and different, but I feel in love with this one and her adorableness. I'm still getting used to it, but so far it isn't to bad.

Regarding the medication, I had my dosage of anti-androgens doubles, and my estrogen injection frequency halved. This was fairly recent so I haven't seen much of a difference in the marginal rate of change, but hopefully things will begin to accelerate.

Things are strange, I'm not doing well in school, something about a lack of motivation and burnout, I've had unfair dreams about having things I want, and don't have. My body image isn't going so well, the changes are desirable, but the image I have isn't fitting yet. On top of that I think I found my first wrinkle. This all culminates in that I'm apparently obsessed with young beauty, and my lack of it. I decided to diet for the next week for the party on Thursday. not that I'm especially fat, but seeing as I exercise very little, I would like my mid section to look...better.

Things are just very chaotic, and I find it hard to find much to be happy about. It isn't a relapse into depression over the trans issue, it is more just a melancholy that i'm used to. Yes i'm working on improving things, but it is never enough. Combine that with the lack of positive in my daily life, and it leads to emptiness.

Tracking the Changes pt II & an update.

So not a whole lot new in the changes this fortnight. I've noticed that my right breast is definitely developing faster than my left, but I'm told this is normal. There is definitely what feels to be pockets of fluid behind my nipples. This appears to be normal according to my reading, but it is still kinda strange to me. Aside from that I find myself more moody, and prone to fits of angst than before. 

I had my first day of school in femme yesterday, it went pretty well all things considering. I didn't go to class, but to my social organization, which is obviously a bit more understanding than regular classes. I was a bit apprehensive at first, but I got used to it (like I do everything) after a bit. I'm still having trouble with my voice though, which is what makes me the most uncomfortable. I think if I could get that somewhat working I would feel much more comfortable in going out, as it is I am going out in femme with my normal voice and it irks me. It is something that I am trying to work on though =\.

Awakening

Okay, So I've been MIA, and for that I apologize, but writing has always been an expression of negative emotions for me, so in this case, no news is good news.

But, for a change, this is a note on positive change. So I've started HRT; I started on my birthday with testosterone blockers, and had my first injection the week after, next Thursday will be month two, and when people say the changes are noticeable. I however, have already seen some changes. I hope this means I will progress rapidly. I've always felt my body was potentially genetically aimed to take well to HRT, and this seems to confirm that...however I know that it doesn't mean it is necessarily so.

Anyways, this is going to be a chaotic two years as I'm still going to school and flirting on both sides of the gender continuum. While my body becomes more female, i'm going to have to manage those changes along with my social/work/school life to maintain a sort of balance and sanity. Interesting feat indeed, if I can pull it off. However I have a fairly amazing support base, which I am very grateful for. My family is coming along, it is against the grain for some of them, but they are still progressing and getting used to it. My friends are, and always have been supportive and I love them for all that they do for me.

In short, things could be a lot worse. Not that everything is bright-sunshine-shoved-down-your-throat happy. My finances are in dire straits, and I've got to find a job ASAP, but ...I'm optimistic, and for the first time in awhile, despite the negatives, I feel good.  I know some of it is do to being independent again (I moved back out on my own for school), and it is very liberating. Its nice to be optimistic for a change.

I'm still managing these changes, and they aren't..easy, it isn't natural to me just yet, so there are some teething pains, but...I'm taking it as it comes, and dealing with what I can, when I can.

My romantic life is entertaining. I love my partner, and while we seem to have our issues, more so than I would like, we manage to work them out in a mature way, which is a nice change. Something still...irks me on the inside though, and while I still can't put my finger on it, even when I try to analyse it, it vexes me. I'll figure it out though...eventually lol.

So, now that I'm back...and sane, I should be around a bit more..well once I get my internet hooked up again anyway. For now, though, thats a wrap.

//Amelia

Fear

So Yes, I need to keep updating, I'm working on it.

So what is new? Well, if all goes according to plan I should start HRT in about two weeks. This is both exciting and scary as hell.

Why scary you ask? Well, I have approximately two years or so in which to finish school, and in that time I have to perfect being able to well, present as female in full time, we at least for job interviews. The issue is that at the moment, I don't have the confidence, or rather don't believe I can pull off (read: convince) an interview as female. So I've two years to perfect that...or convince myself that I can.

The other option is to go as male, which I don't particularly enjoy, but it is doable if necessary. I talked to my therapist about it, and she strongly urged me not to, but...if I need to, it is an option.

In other news, I've nervously changed my name on facebook, and already gotten some feedback, not that it was..unexpected. My old roommate who I never told, expressed...confusion, and well general negativity. Which isn't unexpected, but still annoying. I expect this chaos to continue for the foreseeable future, I think though, the best thing to do is just one violent merge of identities in which those who are with me are seperated from those who aren't.

I gain confidence in anything I do, every "ladies" or "maam" does wonders for me, but I still have a long way before I think I can pull it off on my own. While a large part of that is my voice which is coming along less than adequately, it will hopefully come with the rest of me.

I suppose I am just a bit apprehensive about the ensuing choas of hormonal forces meeting social life, and the results of such.

I plan on updating more frequently, but in general its pretty crazy.

Sway

So, Life is life, no? I know I should have updated LONG ago, but thinks have been insane. At least now though that I'm done with school (for the summer) I can rest up a bit and make some cash (hopefully)  and ponder the meanings of life and all that crap.

So, news? I have an appointment with an endo on Tuesday, that should hopefully get me on HRT in the coming weeks depending on when..I can get things scheduled and what not. This should help me out in a lot of ways, many of which I'm not in the mood to type out, but I think it will help out with my mental stability a bit. I also learned of some possible insurance companies that might cover some things, which would be nice, but as always...I'm not holding my breath.

Aside from the pyschological changes, It will be good to at least halt the further masculinization of my body, and finally get this plague under control. Of course this pushes other deadlines up, My voice is going to have to get better faster, and the like, but I don't think there will become a point where I can't be simply androdgenous.

So what has prompted me to write suddenly? Well as always I generally write when I'm feeling less than ideal. The cause of it this time is some...backhanded compliments and small slights that people don't realize they make. I know these people mean well, but I just wish they would actually pay compliments, or at least keep their mouth shut if they don't have the nicest things to say. I have no desire to hear about how well I imitate, or how un-guy like I appear. Would you say that to your girlfriends? I didn't think so.

Ack, there is just so much crap built up. I don't think i'm going to bother playing guitar with my brother anymore. It simply isn't any fun anymore. While we may both play the same instrument, we play vastly different songs. I'm tired of going over there to have the two of us grow bored when the other doesn't know a particular song. There was once an idea of having a band work out, but I think those days are gone. I think pretty soon will come the point where the two of us simply part ways, as we don't really have that much in common anymore aside from parents.

I miss my romantic interest. She is across the country at the moment, in New York, and I would love to be there with her, but that simply isn't realistic. She's only gone for a week, but I still miss her. It has been nice to have someone to vent and express myself to, who doesn't question or give a wandering eye to my idiosyncracies. *sigh*

I digress. Anyway, things are progressing. I'm working on changing my name also, while I've decided on a name, It is still a matter of funds (when is it not). It should cost around $350 total to get it done around here, so I'm thinking about trying to get that done this summer.

I have this push to my transition, in that I've set goals and it at times seems like i'm rushing things, but I know if I allow myself anytime to relax, that nothing will ever get done. I want to have most of this crap done by the end of my 20s. So far I've got a couple of those years having not done anything transition wise. So...I've got a lot of ground to make up.

Anyways, I'm much to scatterbrained to continue rambling on like this..so..adieu for now.

On Running Away

Interesting predicaments...I'm trying to understand my motivations and emotions, which is strange to me as I"m usually pretty good at it. Not to say I don't have reason to be befuddled. I was recently intimate with someone who i'm very close to. This was the first time in a long time of abstinence, and i'm not quite sure what to make of it.

My first reactions were regret, and a desire to run from the relationship. Though later on I was fine being around the person and enjoyed hir company (note the gender neutral pronoun for those thinking it may be a typo). I can think of a couple of possible reasons why I wanted to leave, but not any that I can definitely say was the reason.

Which brings me to another issue, I like this person, and ze makes me very happy, but I keep finding myself looking at other people. I think the generally feeling is that things have gotten more serious than I intended, and though I do enjoy being with this person, there is something that pushes me away. What bothers me, is that I didn't feel this push prior to being intimate with this person.

Perhaps it is just the unfulfillment of intamcy that comes with hating ones body, and an act that utilizes the parts you hate is bound to make any act feel futile and meaningless.

Anyways, I doubt this will be the last entry on this subject.

Potentials (On Relationships)

Potentials? one wonders the point, or..possible eventualities of life. Of the trivialities of trust, or lack there of, and blindness of games. Vague, yes, but thats what life is. Slowly this is becoming more apparently defined the more I investigate.

I understand things about myself, I know why I want to be left alone, It's sad that it is already this early on, and here I am. I understand the situation, and the underlying motivations (on my part), but it raises the question again, though a different application.

Fascinating how a whole day can be ruined in the span of a single minute.

I think for once I would just like to not be able to boil things down to pros and cons. I ran with this venture on the hopes it might lead to something sweet and genuine, but I already feel myself dimensionalizing and weighing the relationship for its merits. Love I fear, is ever evasive and elusive.

Ce la vie apparently (downplay it, like I always do). Might as well start adjusting to the idea of solitude now, since it is already apparently (cynicism strikes again) inevitable. However, gifts are gifts, and I refuse to return moments in time to those who are no longer the people they were when they granted said moments, and however brief this ends up being, It was very nice.

Sigh, indeed.

I think this one just burnt out too quickly, rather, it never had a long life burning at its slowest, so perhaps its better to simply admire from afar, rather than get tangled in its inevitable oblivion.