Fish bowl

I'm beginning to feel a bit small in my fish bowl. These past few days I've just gotten an overwhelming sensation of boredom, staleness, and tediousness. I've grown tired of this small town, it's big neighbors, and this entire state. I'm ready to move and make a big change, I'm ready to be in a new location and to have a new start of everything. There is a very great desire for something new in my life experience.

I had originally blamed it on my lack of a relationship, but the more I thought it over, the less it seemed like a simple loneliness issue, and the more it seemed like a expiration of my tolerance of this place. The repetition of the yearly events has wained in interest, and I find myself not caring about things I used to enjoy. It isn't that they aren't fun, but simply they hold not interest to me anymore.

The downside of this being that this is something I have to do on my own, and, I'm not sure if I can.

Ants

School? Well I've got my priorities taken care of, but I did notice some people talking...pointing. I wish they would simply approach and ask, rather than gossip and wonder. I'm sure in enough time they will accept it, or at least get over the curiosity of it. I suppose I'm simply annoyed at being pointed at. It wasn't an oh my god what is that point, but instead an oh that girl over there? point. So, the lesser of two evils, but it is still rude.

I've had some body image issues pop back up. I'm not sure what it is, or why it triggers. I suppose it is just normal trans imperfections popping up into my focus. It isn't exactly enjoyable.

I had an interesting discussion with another trans friend of mine however. We were going over how we were before hand. He said I was standoffish, and brooding. Which, is true. What interested me though, was when describing our teenage struggles, I listed myself as a "denyer". I convinced myself that there was nothing I could do about my feelings, and since I couldn't be perfect, then I wouldn't even bother. This notion of absolutes is something I still deal with. It is the namesake of this blog (along with a slight alcoholic play on words). The notion that if something can't be an absolute, then it is better to not try. One of the major hurdles in my coming out was getting over this notion. I still remember thinking that if I didn't do something about this issue, it was going to kill me (an absolute), and that any action, was better than the situation I was in (another absolute).

Looking at it that way, makes me wonder if I ever got over the notion at all, or simply twisted it to fit my needs.

Bloodletting

I've been struggling with expressing myself. I finally picked up my guitar again, but I find it comes with the same problems that cause me to put it down so often. I can play on until my fingers bleed, but it never taps into the emotionality that I feel. I think this springs from a lack of creative capacity. Not that I can't write a melody, I know the scales and chords, I simply have trouble in hearing the next step. Where in another part is played. I've found I usually write the best working off or with someone else. A foundation to work with allows me to build, contrasted to just open possibility where I feel lost. I struggle to hear the whole sound of possibilities, while I can write my part, I can't hear beyond that.

It is something to work on, and perhaps just needs a different perspective.

Everything else is still rather...humid. In that, it is undesirable, unattractive, and ...sticky. I feel like I need a mental bath. That isn't to say things are bad, au contraire, things get easier everyday, I know that things will get better, I'm living for myself and without regard for the nonsense of other people. I feel very actualized, strong, and somewhat indifferent to drama. The humidity is in my boredom, loneliness, and apparent lack of inspiration. There are some other issues, but nothing too serious, and hopefully most will solved once classes start back up in a day or two.

In trans news, I've started looking into medical loans in order to move my projected completion date up. My goal is one major surgery by my 30th birthday, which is easily doable. However, if I can get all of them done, I will be ecstatic. With my SRS details ironed out, I'm now looking into FFS and a Trachea shave. Breast augmentation may be desired later on, but at the moment they fit my body very well, and I'm waiting to see how they fair on another year or two of hormones. The rub, lies in that I don't have accurate financial numbers for FFS or the shave. So I need to get some more accurate figures before settling on an action plan.

I have an ambitious five years ahead of me. It is doable, but, It is going to involve some serious decisions about the rest of my life.

The Death Card

"The Death card, in tarot, marks ends and beginnings. Although most illustrations
of the Death card tend to be morbid, the forces behind the Death card
are actually quite exciting. Yes Death does mark the end of something.
But ends are often brought about by completion and not loss. Most
endings are actually good, and make room for us to begin new adventures."



This card seems apt for this entry as it sums up many of my feelings on issues.

For one, I'm using it as a conclusion for my feelings towards my ex. The behavior displayed this last week has been that of someone who really doesn't care about me or my feelings. It is instead, the behavior of a rabid hedonists, and I am not going to let the misguided pursuits of someone else bother me any longer. Despite my feelings, as a cancer, I am not one to give myself over to those who harbor ill will towards me, intentional or not. I would like to proclaim a friendship here, but I'm not even sure what would be the point of it. I don't have any ill intention, it is just, I do not care, anymore.

I've been struggling with anger towards my past recently. The animosity towards my parents is still very much alive, but I find no resolution or fulfillment in dwelling on past circumstances. While I would love to lecture on about how much pain they have caused me, I don't know what purpose or good would come from it, other than making them feel horrible, and I do not wish that.

This is also the start of the end of this chapter in my life. So much lies ahead for me come 2011. I will have finished my education, and aside from a little debt, have no financial obligations or ties to where I am. I can move anywhere in the country (or out of it) and start a new existence. This is really the beginning of my adult life, and I am quite anxious to see where it goes. So the death card is quite appropriate, I'm ending an interest, and coming to the end of a huge chapter in my life. I'm not sure where I will end up, but, while there is some anxiety, It doesn't seem insurmountable

Ignition

So in short, things are heavy in negative emotion, and while this has as such, taken me out of my funk of blah, it isn't quite the direction I had aimed to take things in.

Now, having calmed down, and after a fitting crying fiasco, things are a bit clearer.

Sadness, basically, I miss being close to people. Being single is not in my nature, and recent activities have reminded me of that. Outings into the social world that are often unproductive reinforce this. A recent experience left me feeling vulnerable and overexposed. I lied, and went against my true feelings to correct those issues (and save face). I am very much a girl of loose morals in that I offer myself up emotionally to just about anyone, and when they decline (naturally for not being interested), I feel rejected and ugly, unwanted, and without value.

The anger, is more complex. I haven't forgiven myself for not telling my parents sooner. I regret being a coward and not having the courage to tell them something was wrong. I resent myself for trying to fit in, for conforming to what I thought my family wanted, and not being who I really was, and new myself to be. I have resentment and animosity towards my parents for seeing clues and not asking/saying anything about it. In that same vein, I resent them for not making my home feel safe and secure. A home is supposed to be a place of security and love, and for the majority of my time there I felt isolated, alone, caged, unloved, and rejected. The overbearing notion I remember from my home life was that of feeling judged. My parents were figures of authority, and not loved ones I could confide in.

I'm not sure where to go from here, getting it out of me is a start, but, anytime I try to vent this, there is a seemingly endless supply of rage to the question of "why me?". Why is this my journey. It isn't fair that I've this path when so many others do not. While I do have some great friends, I still can't help but feel they don't quite understand what it is like. This again, leaves me feeling alone, and isolated.

So to answer my own question a while back, why do I wear my heart on my sleeve so often? Because I've lived alone since I was born, emotional isolation and a lack of any real connection with anyone close to me. When I was in middle school I used to ponder why I failed to feel any real emotion, at least now I can place a cause to it. That being a lack of knowledge and education through experience with my parents, and from locking myself, and being locked away, emotionally from my parents by a vulnerability of being different/incongruent. In comparison with other trans women, I'm not sure what is worse, being confronted by your parents and fighting with them over it, or being ignored and overlooked by them, left to fiend for oneself.

Restless

I'm not sure what is up with me. This coincides with another recent phenomena of not knowing what I'm doing. This time however, I'm displaying all the usual tendencies and habits that I had when I was depressed. I'm being a hermit, and not going outside, not bothering to get dressed on some days, and simply escaping everyday for hours on end into movies and television, what have you.

Oddly though, I don't feel depressed, but then...it sneaks up on you. I'm mainly feeling alone, and somewhat abandoned. Between my ex, and Denver I'm longing for contact, but it seems unlikely. That may be why I've been feeling sentimental about past relationships and feelings long gone. Though it doesn't help the lonely nights, it does give a nice sense of warmth at times.

It is similar after every relationship dissolves, I loose what was my best friend, and end up feeling empty and incomplete. It doesn't really go away, so much as I simply forget how it feels amidst the apathy and depression. The current habit seems to be coasting on in a purgatory like state until someone jump starts me alive again.

I suppose that answers my question.

Recouperation

So the other night I had a nice little welcome back party. It was a pretty good time overall, and I'm glad people had fun, however somethings ended up bothering me. The main of which, was that I can't figure out what was bothering me. Usually I can spot these things pretty well, but this has been eluding me.

I know one of the things was that it was somewhat hijacked into a play party. While that is fine, I have no issues with play parties at all, in and of themselves. It wasn't what I was expecting, and so I think I was a bit taken aback, and felt left out of the party. While I did partake a bit, it simply wasn't my thing.

Towards the end, after I had already gotten somewhat uncomfortable, my ex told one of her friends playfully that ze loved him. It was just in that friendship sort of way, and I know there wasn't an romantic intent behind it. It bothered me however because of all the times I have said it to hir, it was never returned. So hearing words I wanted to hear thrown about so casually without any meaning to someone else hurt me. I know it was unintentional, but it is just that same lack of consideration that I get from so many people.

It isn't unusual. Most people don't think about these things, or give it much consideration. Perhaps that is why Denver (the boy from the previous post, as this is his new name on here) had such a draw for me. Being a Cancer, it seemed he picked up on the details better than most people.

I was going to write on about how I'm tired of being in love, and dating, but that would be a fallacy. I am simply tired of dating and loving the wrong people. Perhaps I just need to work on controlling myself, so that I don't fall so madly in love with everyone. It just, goes against my nature however. Being so closed off from people for so long, I want nothing more than to love everyone and be as close as possible to them.