tired

Words cannot describe how tired I am of discussing my employment status. It is the subject of a continuous lecture that I'm forced to endure. Basing opinions on my actions solely on perceptions of the affect of what I'm doing. This is akin to guessing what is happening in a room based on the vibrations you feel coming through the wall. The asininity of this boggles my mind. More so, despite pointing this out, it continues.

This strange need to reteach me how to provide for myself also only serves to humiliate and insult me. Simply because my plans doesn't resemble the typical one, does not mean I'm helpless.

This aside, there is hope for me venturing up to Seattle relatively soon. While I can make a go at it out there for marginally more than I normally do, it is still going to require additional finances. This may be provided for me (hopefully) fail this, then It will likely be sometime before I can get up there.

At this point, I am just so tired and sick of discussing the matter that I don't even want to think about it.

Machinations

The routine of things is starting to get to me. I find in my escapism I loose track of entire days at a time. I don't find this to be positive. I don't think I've actually sat and thought about life in a couple of months. It is just too painful to do at the moment. I've moved on from strangers who can't handle transwomen. It isn't that I think it won't hurt me next time, but more that the pain from that experience has been buried and healed over. As things are want to do.

My family life is deteriorating. My ability to care about the elder members is severely diminished, even the lamentations of my mother seems to fall on deaf ears these days. I just can't seem to find any capacity to really care about such terrible people. My mother in particular seems to prove to me that she has no concept of integrity at every turn.  My cousins, and my brother, and the only relatives I really muster up feelings for. I believe this is mainly because they have much better character traits even among their vices.  They have their issues, but they aren't ones to judge. I still don't feel any real connection to them, but I don't actively wish to disassociate with them like I do the rest of the family.

I've been flirting with people lately, mainly those who I know will reciprocate, even in vain. I'm not quite sure what is driving me to seek their reassurance. Perhaps it is just nice to enjoy the company of others now and then. My other relationships, one in particular, are tentatively disruptive and disturbing. It isn't that I wish harm to this person, I just have no desire to actively be around or involved with hir at this point in my life. I think it is still too painful.

In the meantime, I'm aching to leave Texas. It seems I can't leave soon enough. The job search however seems to keep pushing me back to square one, no matter how fruitful a particular lead or position seems to be. I know this is something I must get used to, job searching it seems is a definition in futility and frustration. It is difficult to not let the excitement of possibility and the frustration of disappointment get to me. In addition, I have trouble expressing the negative emotions because I don't want to let it get to me since it is likely going to happen multiple times.

My depression is still in a strange...unusual hidden state. I am attributing this to my living conditions, I don't feel normal while I'm in this house. I feel like I've regressed into my actress stage where I pretend nothing bothers me and everything is fine. This repression tends to erupt violently and I'm dreading what happens when it does. That said, this house is not good for me, and I may find ways to leave it for good regardless of employment or specific deadlines. I know my mother thinks I'm joking when I talk about working the street, I don't think she grasps my distaste for this environment. It sickens me to be here, and to see what it is doing to me.

Fuck you.

At this point I don't even know what to say anymore. I am so sick and tired of being forced to endure unbelievable inhuman bullshit simply because of who I am. It wouldn't be as bad, if I didn't have my trans status consistently shoved back into my face. It isn't just dealing with my body, that is a struggle in and of itself. In attempting to shop for dresses for my mother's upcoming wedding, every single dress Is worn by a model with features I can never have. Short of surgically altering my skeletal structure, my ribcage is never going to magical shrink its size, my shoulders will never be any less broad than they are. That I can usually tolerate on an average day.

What gets to me, is people, who think that because I'm trans, that it is appropriate to use that fact as an excuse to blow me off or suddenly express disinterest in me. It's enough to make a girl give up dating all together. Why should I even bother trying anymore, the few who express interest as it is always turn away as soon as they find out, so why not just beat them to the punch. Things like this make me feel like I'm destined to end up alone. Romantic possibilities always seem to boil down to fetishest or people I'm not attracted to. I apparently am not worthy of being with someone I actually like if I don't want to be alone.

Watching my mother get married doesn't help my feelings of isolation, loneliness, and longing. In many ways it feels like she is rubbing her cis privilege in my face on a daily basis. I've never wanted to be as far away from here as I do now.

Worry

Recent events have given me trouble. I know I'm dealing with depression, the issue is that it hasn't quite hit me yet. I'm currently feeling just somewhat comfortably numb. Yet I know that there are issues bothering me. What worries me is that I know there are things building up that simply aren't coming to the surface. I worry about what happens when they finally do rupture, and I can express that.

Those things, the hemorrhaging underneath the surface, are a bit in depth, to which I shall update more later. For now I need to sleep.

Routines, Habits, & Wounds.

I'm not sure how things are going. My mood is still abnormal, though enjoyable. I find myself loosing some of my cynicism towards my family, but I know my feelings towards them haven't changed. Though it is really only a change towards my mother, to whom things have always been touch and go at best. While things may tolerably pleasant now, I know it never stays that way. I think things will end up better for me, and everyone else once I can get up north.

My ex has also relocated back to Texas. This isn't news as I knew she was going to be returning in January, however I'm not quite sure I feel about it yet. My first instincts are to withdraw and be defensive. I think there is a part of me that is still hurt over what happened. Granted we talked things through and apologies and all that, but something still feels off about everything. Perhaps there is still some closure I'm seeking however I'm not sure what that might be as of yet. It isn't pressing anyway, just something festering in me somewhere...Maybe once it completely rots over I can find out where I need to...amputate.

Morbid, but it works.

On Stranger Tides

It has almost been a week since I've moved back home with my mother. I can't say the experience was exactly pleasant, but it seems to have reached a ..tenuous understanding so far. Though I'm sure there will be more heated arguments as time goes on. I feel a bit strange actually, and I think it may be due to my near continuous stream of escapism up here. It isn't a depression or anything, I feel remarkably agreeable, but it also feels somewhat shallow at the moment. I also find myself longing for warmer weather, which...is somewhat the antithesis of my opinion only a week or so ago (regardless of the actual temperature). I'm not quite sure what it is just yet, but I know there is definitely a limitation of my emotional state at the moment.

One hypothesis is that under the relative supervision of a biological parent and step parent I've reclused into a shell existence that only functions emotionally in limited quantities. This would explain the rather pleasant nature. Although it could also be that the period of adjustment to being single again has faded. Though, it is entirely possible that it only seems that the loneliness has abated due to the clipping of my emotional extremes. Regardless, I'm using this period to try and find a position up in Seattle as quickly as possible, while not burning myself out. I'm being careful not to spend my emotional resources too quickly in spending every waking hour looking for positions. Still, my urge to leave this place grows daily.

New (Years) Resolutions

It has been a while since I've written, and I left last time on a rather dramatic, worrisome note. In the time since then, I've pulled myself back together. I'm not sure completely, but it seems like the burden I carry for being trans is just a bit too much to bear at times.

Since then, I've had to celebrate the holiday with my biological relatives. I knew this was going to be a struggle when I left to visit them. The first night wasn't bad, but I got wind of plans for a "family get together" the next night. This was different as it was to include my father's surrogate daughter, her husband and newborn son.

I left the apartment early and didn't show up until after things were already going. I tried in vain to find anyone to give me an excuse to not return, I also tried shopping, movies, and driving around my old neighborhoods. I eventually returned, and only then, was it after wasting time at a local pub drinking beer, and debating whether or not to cut myself in the bathroom stalls. When I finally left, I walked outside and a chilling rain was dumping large drops onto my head and face. I looked up and just started laughing and letting it hit me for a bit. I wasn't upset at the rain, I was ecstatic for it as it reminded me of all things Seattle. Cold, wet, rain. It was cloudy, humid, and 80* when I went into the bar. I drove back in an ecstacy of tire spin and hooliganism on empty wet roads.

When I got inside, I said my hellos and gave meaningless hugs. I don't remember many of the nondramatic details. At one point, my father interrupted a conversation between my brother and I, so we could be sure and watch him take pictures of his surrogate grandchild. The impact of this, on my brother and I, is apparently lost on my father. After emotionally abandoning us to her, he still invites her over as if he had done nothing wrong. I appeased the bile and rage I felt and continued my escapism with my brother and his girlfriend. At some point, sentences by cisgender women began "As a woman". At this point, I felt I had to run to the bathroom for fear of hearing how that conversation would turn out. I bargained with myself in said bathroom to only do two more cuts. Exiting, sane again, I rejoined and continued a very shallow consciousness until the night eventually ended.

Christmas day came and went largely unnoticed. Gifts were appreciated, but nothing I could not easily live without. Especially considering they mean so little coming from people I've no real emotional connection to anymore. The entire time I kept hearing the theme of "it isn't about you" echoed by various people. I was forced into taking pictures I didn't want to be a part of, and instead of understanding that I didn't want photo's taken, I was patronized and told I'd eventually want them. I sincerely doubt this. Lack of connection aside, why would I want photos of me at my worst? The whole event shows a huge lack of understanding on their part, and a dismissal of my feelings.

At the end of the day, my brother repeated, again, the "not about you" mantra. What bothers me about this, is the sheer hypocrisy of the statement from him. I have lived these past 7 years completely for my parents. I answered every call, I cut spending when I told to, I came down when they asked, I did favors, I helped out where I could. I took out loans to help pay for my tuition and living expenses. I do everything I can to placate, and make their lives easier. Now, having graduated, and finally free from whoring myself out for their support, I can relax, be myself, and not do anything, I don't want to do. Meanwhile, my brother has done the complete antithesis of this, to the point that my parents either A, don't bother calling him as he never answers, or B, rant to me about how they can't get in contact with him. The nerve, gall, and hypocrisy of him telling me to do anything for the sake of them asking me to, is absurd and complete bullshit.

I've since vowed I will never return to celebrate any holiday out of obligation or guilt. Especially not with them. I want to celebrate with an actual family, one that when I leave I feel sadness, not relief. People I have an actual emotional connection and investment in, not a glorified financial planner and debt collector. The same applies to both sides of my family, I'd almost rather not take their gifts and cut off contact from them, than to have to remain attached to them because of material possessions.

That said, I am back home now, and feeling much more like myself now. Healing up, again, as per the usual.