Dear Self, 3 months Later

Dear Self,

It's been three months, have you learned nothing? Here you are again, puffing yourself up, pretending to be this big strong person that we both know you can be. You don't, normally take shit from people. I'm not sure why you think simply because you were/are in love with someone that it was alright to take it from hir.

You have got to stop being the little puppy that gets kicked around and asks for more. That isn't the type of person you are, and it is beneath you. You've stood up to worse, and you've fought back against bigger.

I understand. As Chris said, it is a lightning bolt, that...jars your systems. It was the first time, and that is rightfully going to mean things for you. Unfortunately that meaning isn't shared, and while it may be painful to deal with, it is no less the truth. I understand the flood of new chemicals, new emotions, and new feelings that were unleashed. It is normal to not know how to handle things. It is normal to be afraid of it, to be unsure of it, and to worry about what it means.

I understand how frightening it is to have your defenses shredded in an instant because of how someone looks at you. The intensity, and vulnerability of that.

But YOU must understand that, it is not unique. Simply because this is the first experience for you, doesn't mean it is the last, or that it won't happen again.

I know you're at the paramount, that as long as you can maintain that will to resist, you will be alright. Rest assured it is not, your fault, or because of anything about you or what you did. You don't need to regret, and you don't need to apologize.

You have an amazing ability for compassion, but often you let this overrun your self preservation. You want to make partners happy, to give them pleasure. You do this to the detriment of your own emotional health and needs. It isn't that you need to be with this person, you just want to be giving and sweet, even if that means your own destruction.

In the words of one of your favorite songs, "I wouldn't self destruct for anybody else".

It makes a pretty verse, but it is no way to live your life.

Lastly, I know you are afraid, I'm afraid also. But, as they say, life starts at 30. You've got plenty of time to enjoy life, and plenty of time to meet new people. Don't be afraid of wasting your youth, or your looks. Enjoy them, cherish them. You will always have them, just in different forms. You've always been one of grace. Aging will continue that grace. You know what you don't want to be, and you won't be that.

Concerns & Consolidations

I wrote these four entries over on a different site, but wanted to move them here. They revolve around things that have been on my mind, concerns and feelings of frustration.

Ageing & Materialism. April 24, 2012

I'm old. I'm getting older. I'm not young anymore. By and large, I find myself being stressed out by my self-imposed sense of progress. I'm nearly 27, I should have done so much more by now.

I feel like I should be paying a mortgage, instead of paying rent.

I feel like I should paying a car note, instead of neglecting car repairs.

I feel like I should be recovering from surgery, instead of planning for it still.

There is just, so much I expected to have done by now, so much I want to have already. I'm tired. I'm tired of sleeping in tiny rooms, with tiny accommodations in shitty neighborhoods. I'm tired of eating top ramen, and constantly being worried about finances.

I'm getting to that point where, I want to settle down. I have moved, literally every 9 months, for the past 8 years. I am tired of it. I'm tired of new carpet. I'm tired of not buying heavy things because of the hassle of moving them (air mattress anyone?).Which, gets me to the next part. I want to get married. I want to settle down with someone (not necessarily monogamously) and start a life together. I have wonderful friends, and a wonderful partner, but, what I want, is not going to happen, in my life as it is.

I would not, opt for things over people, ever.

But I am starting to feel my age.

Fears and Rape play. April 18th, 2012

Here is an honest list of things I'm afraid of:

Being ugly:
Being mutilated, limb amputations, breast cancer/masectomys,
disfigurement or burnings. It isn't a fear of the pain or the
inconvenience, though the lack of freedom is a part, it is the aspect of
being ugly that horrifies me.

I find my genitals ugly. The mere idea of being tied up and displayed naked to a large group of people almost brings me to tears. It isn't that I think people will laugh or make fun, (at least not in this crowd) but more it is something I have so much animosity, hatred, and shame for that displaying it, brings out the worst of my gender dysphoria.

Rape:
Being raped, but more so, I'm afraid that I'll enjoy it. I have had many dear friends and partners who are victims of sexual abuse/rape. I fear that I believe on some level being raped is validation of my gender, and thus I on some level seek it out. I'm afraid that people will judge me for that, and that it will trivialize the fucking awful experiences of
my close friends and they will resent, hate me for it, justifiably in my opinion.

On some level I have this bullshit belief that it is a right of passage. Like somehow, by being victimized, I get my Cunt card and a formal letter saying I've had a hard life. I do NOT believe that this is what other people do, or have done. This is just a look at how I believe my perceptions/thoughts are being motivated.

Being Homeless:
It plays into the other two, the fear of having to prostitute myself to make ends meet, or of being stuck on the street, being unable to transition or have the inner peace that HRT gives me. A lot of this ties into regressing.

Of Regressing:
I have a great and stuttering fear of regression, or degression to pre-transition. It ties into to feeling ugly and unwanted. The idea of returning to that hideous form is not appealing to me. I did not fit in that body, it was in a very real sense, not mine. I fear what it would do to me emotionally to regress. The one taste I have had of it, was...shocking.

Of invalidation:
This one is out there, but, I fear being invalidated as a woman. That, somehow or another I'm just a gay man who can't handle the homophobia. The idea that underneath all of this, I'm male, is ..horrifying. It makes me cringe.

I don't feel that way, as I am secure in who I am, and my gender identity, but it is another reason why the abuse I have had, tends to hurt more. The calling a transgirl a man insult is an easy one for enemies to pick up, and it unfortunately hits on this fear. It is just a strange fear that, some scientist or whoever will develop a method of fixing trans people, that we are all just a chemical inbalance and when switched off, we will suddenly go "oh hey, that's right, I'm a dude", rather than having our physicality be our problem.

Anyway.

I wanted to put these out there in a large sense to both talk about them, and to get them out of me. To put them in text so that I can see them, discuss them, and move on from them. You'll notice a common theme around validation of my gender, which shouldn't be surprising.


Solitary, in and un to myself. April 16th, 2012

So, Friday, a comment was made that has been churning around in my brain for the better part of 2-3 days now.

The summary, was that I'd rather be with a someone I found creepy, than be alone.

This is a, common, statement I hear. The general idea that I'm terrified of being alone, or that I can't handle being alone. That I lower my standards or allow myself to be in unpleasant circumstances if it means an end to loneliness.

Aside from talking about it, I'm not sure what else I can do to dissuade people of this opinion. So, here is that attempt.

My default, normal mood and behavior is that of being alone. I spent a great deal of time in my childhood/teenage learning to be isolated, pushing people away, keeping people at a distance, never letting myself get too close to people, lest they find out my secrets and ostracize me for it. For a very long time I suffered from social anxiety disorder. I still get it sometimes in regards to phone calls and calling people I haven't spoken with before on the phone.

While this is secure, it is quite boring, and emotionallyfrustrating. That said, I can and do fall back into this state relatively easily. I am an introvert, being around large groups of people extracts energy from me, and drains me. Especially in the kink scene, I'm constantly surrounded by things that push my emotional boundaries in regards to gender dysmorphia, isolation, jealousy, intimacy, confidence, and even love. (Ask me how often I notice I'm the only trans person in a room).

All of these things I do, because I want to, I do them because sitting at home, in my room, is a wasted life. I put myself out there not because I'm afraid of being alone, but  \because I'm tired of it, because pushing myself is the only way I got where I am, and the only way I will get where I want to be. Despite the energy it takes, the vulnerability (that I hate) on my end for rejection (and there has been a lot of it), the lack of security, and sometimes
disregard for my personal safety.

I enjoy people, talking, meeting, discussing, debating, exchanging energy via communication or physical touch, there is an electricity in that, that I find rewarding.

The Importance of Definitions, April 8, 2012

I place a great deal of importance on definitions and what they mean. My expectations for relationships is entirely dependent on the type of relationship. I place very little requirements on my friends, showing interest or contact once a month or so is fine unless

I've known them forever in which case it is unnecessary.

I place a much greater requirements on my partners, as they are well, my partners. They are those I hold nothing from, and expect little judgment form. I don't enter into these relationships lightly, as it requires a lot of vulnerability and giving up of power on my end.

These types of relationships are inherently more important me, and often thus more stressful as they can bring out more insecurities.

What I expect from my partners is balance, and equality. I don't expect from them anything I am not willing to give in return. I can't force anyone to care for me as much as I care for them, but I can distance myself to a point where I feel I am not vulnerable or taken advantage of.

I feel that is where the current situation takes me, I don't feel it is fair, or justified, but it seems far past the point where anything I say or do will have any affect.

I think the worst part of it all however, is the self replicating issues that started the whole process. It feels very much like someone pissing you off, and then saying you have anger problems because you're pissed off. So you take some time away, come back refreshed and normal, yet people are still distant due to your anger problems from before.

This will mark a trend in unbalanced relationships.

On finding Balance *updated*

*Updated to reflect this past weekend*

I love balance, I love harmony, and how things synergize when they flow together. That may just be my cancer roots, but having things feel balanced is very cathartic and enjoyable for me.

That isn't to say life isn't stressful, or annoying, or frustrating. But, when things are harmonious it seems so incredibly manageable. That is how things feel now, I think my partner and I we have found a nice balance (this past weekend withstanding) in our relationship in the amount of time we contribute and extract out of each other.

There are still things I desire out of our situation, but, the obsession and desperation is gone, thankfully. I still want to be collared, and have that intense D/S relationship aspect that we don't really have at the moment. We at the moment have a very limited sexual relationship, and as I grow more comfortable with myself, around hir, I'm wanting that experience and emotional engagement. I'm not pressured on this however, though when I tell other people that near 5 months into this relationship, that we still haven't slept together (or whatever kink fuck term you would like), most seem pretty astonished by it.

Some of this, I feel, is in my inexperience as a sub, and knowing how to instigate, inspire, and be assertive, without feeling an incongruence (lack of harmony, to stick with our theme from today) in that identity and the power I give. I often feel like it is out of place or line to pounce, or instigate things. It is something I'm learning to adapt around, but albeit slowly.

This is a great relief to me in the face of ongoing financial and healthcare stressors. I find myself being pulled beyond my means, and without a great deal of answers. Do I not go to the doctor, or do I simply not pay off my debt? It isn't that I can't pay my bills, I can, it is just that the means and ability to do so, is very thin.

I manage this largely out of neglect for other things. My car, for one, is an unabashed orgy of illegality at the moment. I have neither the funds to fix these things, or to maintain it. While this works, now, it isn't sustainable, and it isn't smart. Yet, until I find other options, what choice do I have.

On this past weekend, my partner and I spent the better part of 48 hours together, and as of now, I feel a bit oversaturated and drained. This is the first time I have felt as such, and don't want to attribute it to hir, but more the activities we were doing (video games and being silly). It isn't that I don't enjoy those things, but just that I need variety/pauses between endless tirades of World of Warcraft.

It may also be a partial response to the lack of romance and affection over the course of the weekend. Not that I was expecting anything in particular, but the affection energizes me and my involvement in the relationship. In this instance, we were both very casual and silly, which brings us closer together, but not necessarily in a romantic way. Which may explain the draining feeling after everything.

For example, when I think about say, going out with hir today, I hesitate, feeling like I just don't have the energy, where as normally I jump at the chance. 

reintroductions

Things are turbulent. It seems from one crises to another. Though my relationship is definitely in better positions than it was, there still feels like something is unresolved. Perhaps it is my paranoid just prodding me, but I don't want to leave things unsettled simply to pop up again later.

A few weeks ago I went on an adventure to alter my hormone treatments into something more manageable. This turned into a nightmare of poor choices and wasted money. I opted to try patches as they were the least invasive, and supposedly also easy on the liver. Unfortunately they do not come in the the high dosages that I'm on, and so I've been slowly dealing with my decline in estrogen levels. This was tolerable until a point where I began to feel similar to how I felt pre-transition.

I wrote about it on another site, but essentially my sex drive returned in force. Not that the desire is in itself bad, but how I deal with it and how I deal with the urges are different things. I've only recently (past year or so) began to learn to tolerate and accept my sexuality. Prior to hormones, the biological need to get off often put me at ends with how I felt, and my body dysmorphia. It often ruined my ability to be around people, I couldn't simply enjoy the company of someone regardless of if we were intimate or not.

I felt this again this past weekend, I grew agitated, frustrated, and down right annoyed at my partner because we weren't getting each other off. This is a stark contrast to how things have always been between us, in which I enjoy everything we do to each other, and there is no outright need to do anything if we don't want to.

This was terribly disturbing to me. Being pushed to a state of anger at someone I love because of a bullshit hormonal discrepancy fucking with my desires and moods. I feel it is unfair and akin to brainwashing, it is dishonest, and a cruel trick. It puts a noise and fuzz over one's thoughts and actions, akin to having voices constantly speaking to you in your head about what you want to do, how you feel, torturing you with small subtle suggestions : you would be fucking if you were really in love, you don't really feel that way, you two aren't physical because ze is bored/tired/annoyed/angry at  you.

It goes on and on. I know these things aren't true, but to have them thrown into your mind like that is quite disturbing and fucked up.

This climaxed on a tear filled drive home, peaked by wishful thoughts of car accidents. I came very close to cutting once again, but restrained myself and collapsed in an uncontrollable fit of hysterical crying for about 3 hours.

I have sense switched back to my original method and dosages in an attempt to fix the problems. Already my mental state has returned to something much more manageable. I can think clearly, and without interference again. Hopefully I can find another source of my medication to last me until I can see my doctor again.

Failure

Herein, lies a thorough diagnosis and understanding of how I failed and sabotaged myself and the first polyamorous relationship I've been in. There is a significant chance of repeated thoughts and dialogue from the "Paused" entry.

Expectations, unbalance, silence, fear, inexperience.

From the beginning this felt different. I wrote about that in the "Diagnosis" post. My normal behaviors and moods seemed irrelevant and useless. Largely, my asexuality leaves me feeling rather cool towards romantic interests. I care for them, deeply, and love them, but it was never on the cusp of how drastic and dramatic this felt. It felt real, visceral, intense, and I felt alive. For the first time, in a long time. My normal cool, indifference, and  slightly judgmental attitude changed to one of childish endearment, adoration, and blindness. Where as normally I would find faults in people and it would turn me away, here, when I found them, I just did not care.

I wrote then about my fears, "Insomnia...again", how I was terrified that the feelings I had were exclusive to one person. That I would never feel these emotions again. My greatest fear was the these intense emotions that I was feeling for the first time would go unrequited, and 3-4 months down the road I'd be broken up with due to the unbalance between our feelings. This was how my previous relationship ended, and it was quite painful to endure. I wished to avoid that at all costs.

The foundations and expectations I had built in starting this relationship were all based on my previous experiences. I went in knowing it was a poly relationship, that my partner would be seeing other people. I never once thought to change how I thought or acted in the relationship. Maintaining my old monogamous mindset undermined everything and set in motion my thought processes that lead to where I am now.

While it is easy to look at the issues after the fact, I don't blame myself too harshly. Being my first poly relationship I was unsure just what to think or how I would be stressed. While it does make sense to assume I would need to change how I thought about things, I had no idea in how or what ways I needed to.Looking at things, knowing this, it seems very obvious why the ended up the way they did. After time when distance was first created I took it personally, as a referendum on myself and the desire to have me around.

This initial doubt was planted, and led to nagging feelings of objectification and of being used. Whenever we would be physically affectionate, and follow this with a period of inactivity, I would begin to feel used as a sexual object, or as a tool/experiment to better understand how submissives work. It was untrue and irrational, but that is what fear does to you.

Instead of talking about these things, I tried to push them away with the lingering jealous/inadequate feelings in order to try and make myself more desirable to be with/around. When this also failed, the cascade of negative emotions became overwhelming, seen in "Haunted". I grasped desperately for anything I could trying to hold on to something I thought I was loosing.

Ironic that grasping may be the thing that caused me to loose it anyway.

Much in the way that struggling makes you sink in quicksand faster, or how panicking speeds up how quickly poison travels within your body, my fear exacerbated the problems.

The grasping only pushed more distance between us, which snowballed the effects into where things were stressed into breaking. Tension, stress, hostility, and pain were brought in and pushed us away from each other.

The rest is as you can imagine, there are details left out here that are covered in previous entries, "On Being Punished", but I want to minimize the amount of rehashing.

So realizing this now, I'm beating somewhat of a dead horse as I rehash much of what was written in "Paused". I can't force anyone's feelings, and I shouldn't be trying to force my own. I hate the feeling of regressing. The self deception and self degradation that comes after a split up wherein a person doesn't want to hurt or think of the partner anymore, and thus beats themselves up when they do. I'm trying hard not to follow down that path. I'm attempting to remain optimistic and fatalistic in that if things are meant to work out then they will. I'm going to let my emotions run their own path. If that means I wake up and fall asleep thinking about someone for months on end then so be it. I'm focusing on the positive emotions, and the love that I still have, even if it is unshared now. I'm done hiding from things.

Being drowned by love is a new experience for me, and one that overwhelmed me and my healthy obsession with being honest to myself. Fear and insecurity hit me like never before, and I don't like what it did to me. In as such, I am working to confront these issues head on and move beyond them.

I made an oath in 2008 that I was done lying to myself. I have sense then taken a crusade of positive change and personal growth that has led me here. There have been setbacks on the way, and hurtful things have been said about my commitment to that crusade recently. I understand how and why the accusations were made, I disagree with them, but they were made for a reason.

I've recently thought about adding to my tattoo to reemphasize this point to myself. My relationship to the art has often been representative of my sense of self and my journey. I had thought to add birds flying near/perched on hir, but now I think I'm wanting a dramatic explosion of color and life coming from the flower on it's right side. Symbolizing the growth through circumstance and positive change. Beauty out of the stone cold death that was my past life. The hiding, self mutilation, and emotional violence towards others that were so much a part of who I was. It is there, it will always be there, a part of my history. It is no longer who I am though, and in pushing out of that shell, the cracks that formed, and the life that has come back into me I feel are being left unrepresented. I shall ponder this, and just what and how I want to express this.

Paused

It bothers me just what conclusions people draw without talking to me about things. They see some of my bad habits, and make assumptions. I wouldn't, and normally don't, care what people want to believe, until it comes to effect me. I've been called a leach, and my emotional stability called into question. Which, would strike me as funny was it not so hurtful.

Since I was a teenager I've had to depend on myself for emotional support. I hide away my secrets and emotional states from everyone until it almost killed me (circa January 2008). Since then, I've taken a dramatic turn for the better, and moved into a much more aware, happy, and stable mindset.

I used to cut weekly, now it is down to a few times a year. I've written before on how cutting is an emotional control, it is a release, and a coping mechanism for my extremes. It serves to rush if I'm feeling numb, and it serves to calm if I'm erratic. Rarely is it used as a tool of self-mutilation or destruction to that extent. I cut as an answer to symptoms, the cutting is not the symptom in itself. I don't cut out of self hatred anymore, I've learned to stop doing that. I do it now more as an act of moderation to keep myself within certain boundaries in extremes, and I nearly always regret it afterwards. Yet, because of this, the idea is now floating among people that I have to attach myself to others to leach emotional stability, that I am so terrified of being alone, that I need other people to fix/keep me in line.

These were all things I was accused of, and that hurt to hear. How people can think I am so pathetic, selfish, or cowardly is beyond me. I transitioned on my own, for myself. It would kill me if I didn't. I moved to Seattle on my own, for my own sanity. I left behind my family, my friends, and everything I have known, I gave up all that security and comfort for the sake of my mental and emotional stability and sanity. I have routinely put myself available on internet dating sites, and routinely been hurt by people in order to find friends and potential partners to bring good people into my life. I have done all this, and I still do all this in order to better my life, to make myself happier, and provide for my stability.

I said being accused of being a leach was laughable. The idea that after all this, I would suddenly have to depend on other people to make me stable seems comical. If I needed other people, how could I leave everyone, literally everyone, I knew behind and move 2300 miles away from 99% of all my contacts (I found an old friend in Portland, but that was the closest). If I needed other people, how could I risk the affections of my friends and family by coming out to them. I did both of these things for my own sanity and stability, and the idea that I now can't risk being away from someone, is borderline offensive if not downright hurtful. I find myself questioning just how well people think they know me.

I dislike being alone. This is true, and I think I have justifiable reasons for it. That is not to say I can't be alone, or I can't be single. I've spent most of my life being single or alone, it is another reason I dislike it. However, disliking something and needing the opposite are not the same things. I enjoy being social, I prefer to be around other people if I can, I get energy from social situations (though I'm still introverted at this stage).

At this point, my relationship is at best, paused. At worst, over. The distance that was requested from me is and was too painful for me to take while still emotionally attached. When I fall in love it is usually very in depth and blinding. It is easy for me to get in over my head, as it seems was the case here. I think some of the issues revolve around it being my first polyamorous, and first dom/sub relationship as well. My wanting of some sort of emotional connection or bond to keep me from getting jealous overtook most everything else. I was afraid of pushing people away, and thus bottled in things that upset me, and refused absolutely to let myself be jealous. This only exacerbated my need for an emotional connection that simply wasn't ready yet. Instead of discussing my feelings of being used or objectified, I focused solely on that connection in hopes it would remedy everything. I placed all my hopes and remedies in that connection, and when it failed to materialize I began to fall apart.

This, in itself, is not enough to bring me to cutting. The falling apart, in combination with a large number of negative emotions revolving around my job brought me to the edge. The lack of support on these issues is what brought me to cutting. The internalized negativity needed to be released, which it did over the course of a few erratic emotional days of crying. After a few days I both grew tired of this, and felt the volatility of my emotions growing more erratic, and decided it best to cap them, by cutting. I wrote about this experience, and that soon after, in the post titled "On Being Punished".

I do wish to note that the previous was not linear. My falling apart happened across multiple days both before and after cutting. In that, I reached out for support, but was given further distance, likely due to the cutting, and appearance of the lack of self sustainability. Which now brings us full circle, to the confrontation of that distance and pain.

I do not want this relationship to end, but I feel emotionally, that I cannot continue to let myself be vulnerable to someone who seems to ignores me. As apparently we both need distance (my withdrawing in response to the initial distance) the best thing it seems is to give each other space. My concern lies in the ability for my feelings to regenerate after being recessed and withdrawn.

This post, I feel is exposition on how things have gone. I do not begin to claim everything as fact, or unbiased. Hopefully soon I'll be able to write about things returning to normal, I want to be able to write that post. It is somewhat, my motivation for this one, but I have done all that I can. Pushing and stressing the issue does nothing to help either of us, so at this point, I leave it to fate.

One last funny note however. I fell in love in the snow, in the early morning one day. Today, in the morning, a quick waft of snow trickled down on my way to work. It felt like an omen then, I hope it remains one of positivity, and not one marking an ending. Thinking of that moment still reduces me to tears in how badly I long for that moment back.

As such, I'm refusing to mark this post under the Moving On tag.

Fulfillment

I seem to be struggling with fulfillment in my life. I fine the routine of spending the majority of my week for the little money I make to be distinctly not worth my time. I've been asking around to older friends of mine if this is what life is like outside of school. If chasing the minor rewards is as good as it gets.

I find myself lying to people. Not about anything large, but just when people ask me about how my life is. It is becoming relevant as I happen upon my one year anniversary of moving to Seattle. People no doubt ask me if I'm happy, if I'm satisfied, do I regret the move, etc. My natural reaction is to rant and rave about how awesome the place is, and it is. I love the city, and the people in it. I love the privileges I'm given by not having to live in the South anymore. There are some things that I miss, mainly the people I knew/loved back in Texas, but that aside, there isn't much to regret. But, my feelings are double sided. Not in my location, but just in life, at the moment feels very unfulfilled and pointless. Not that I've ever had a point to go on, or reason to continue, outside of fear. I find myself asking if this is what people do, they go to work doing whatever for the majority of their week, then they come home for two days off a week to do some meaningless task, and repeat the process again indefinitely, and for what?

A house? A car? more bullshit consumerism of things that I neither car about or need at the moment. I know the simple answer is to find a position that is more fulfilling, something I'm a bit stuck on until I get a few more years of experience under my belt. The alternative is to that often given is to find a hobby or things I enjoy doing. I have those, they just don't feel like a raison d'etre. They don't make going to work for the majority of my life worth it.

I don't believe it is an esteem issue, or an image issue, it seems more a disillusionment issue. Life up to this point has been a progression. This school to do that, then this school to that for whatever reasons, and on and on. Now, with no other clear goals, I find myself wondering what the point of it all was, just to do some meaningless bullshit for a meager wage and very little of my own free time to do the little things that I do enjoy.

I know these symptoms of depression, and I don't care for them. The numbness, while comfortable and familiar, encourages self-mutilation. Unfortunately, I don't see the clear remedy to this issue like I have in the past.