Lectures on Love

Where to begin? Well my partner and I split up. This was...inevitable as ze is leaving at the end of August, but still surprising that it was this soon. In short, the reasoning was that we were too different, and this lead to an inequality in feelings. I had stronger feelings for hir than ze did for me. This apparently broke hir heart.

I can't say it was mutual, I would still have loved hir up until the final day, regardless of how much it hurt. The horribleness I feel now is the same as it would have been then, just fresh, instead of distant.

I was asked if I wanted hir to stay for the night, or go back home. What a cruel choice that was. How can I honestly tell hir to go when I want nothing more than to be held/hold hir. At the same time, how can I honestly spend the night with someone I know is just going to leave the next morning and never stay again. Never hold me, never kiss me, never be intimate with me again. It is just much too cruel to force that on me.

I'm very much still recovering, talking about it breaks my voice, and I cry easily. I think one thing that depresses me, is that I know in time, I simply won't care anymore. It is sad that all of love and cherishment put into this relationship will eventually decay and turn into indifference and apathy. It is a great injustice of the world that something I can love so dearly can mean so little in such little time.

I suppose that means I'm single again, and thus I want to revisit why I ever even bother dating in the first place. It was my stance beforehand that the good is nearly always outweighed by the bad. I don't know if I still believe that, but I'm inclined to.

Lastly, one of the things that was said, was that I didn't love myself. I find this accusation presumptuous, judgmental, and insensitive coming from a cisgender person. It is easy for someone who didn't spend 90% of their life in self loathing and hatred to preach on the wonders and ease of self love, but it has little to no relevance or meaning coming from someone who's inner struggles don't relate to my own. Everyone has their own struggle, but I'd wager most are not as turbulent as those who are transgender. I don't want to preach, so I won't go on about it, but that was something that had bothered me.

All in all, I'm not exactly in a great place. Enough crying and eventually the love will drain out of me.

indigestion

My god, what a week. One thing I'm working on...figuring out things with my partner. In short, ze told me that ze if finding my masculine features more attractive. ...I'm not sure how to react to this.  At the moment, it doesn't really bother me...there isn't really anything I can do about it. Much in the same manner however, ze also said that it was uncomfortable referring to me as a girlfriend. While....I understand that, it isn't easy to hear. It makes sense that ze would have trouble since I'm still transitioning, but hearing that it felt like "pretending" to refer to me as a girlfriend since I'm still transitioning was/is painful.

I don't know, I'm still trying to digest everything.

Restless

I've been feeling restless recently. I think some of it is Summer's general lack of direction at the moment. Between job hunting (15-20% unemployment rate among the young), and the lack of any real activity to do aside from it, I exhaust my hobbies fairly quickly. I find myself staring into my monitor for many hours on end again. Something I haven't done for quite a while.

I think some of it is that I'm coming to the end of a chapter in my life. My relationship will be ending in August, which will be the last semester I spend here. I have to transition to the "real world", and try and make that work. I've found another apartment (my last in this town), and am anxious to get that on the move.

In general, I feel like I'm wasting daylight. Days go by and I don't do anything, and I wonder what exactly I am loosing. Perhaps some of it is my partner's bucket list (ze's moving in August). I think that fact has also started to weigh heavily on me, and my decisions. I know it has a habit of exacerbating things I don't find ideal, and question the reasoning for being involved with someone.

The more things change, the more they stay the same. I am so unbelievably tired of worrying about money. I'm anxious for this new chapter to start...but it seems this middle bit is dragging on, and being poorly written. Instead of a dramatic build up to a climax, it is slowly, nauseatingly, dragging out minute details for no reason.

It makes me wonder why I'm reading it.

Don't hear a word I say

I cried at my therapists for the first time last week. I don't normally cry, but I think it was a combination of things brewing. For one, I was read on Sunday, and went to my electrolysis that following Monday. Going to that always feels degrading, and insulting to me. It makes me feel incomplete, flawed, fatalistic, and hopeless. When my therapists got on the subject of owning my trans identity, she pushed a bit on the not being a women front, and I caved. Normally I can acknowledge at least that I will never be a genetic female. But in combination with everything else, I think it just struck the a nerve and released a bunch of pent of negativity.

I do, after all, have about 10 years worth of repressed negative emotions lurking in the wings.

I am getting better at living out though, since being read I've gotten more comfortable being less stealthy and (laziness helps) just going out as is. I do get more strange looks, but they don't really bother me all that much anymore.

What does bother me though, is still the aspect of being trans. I HATE having to go through this. I feel cursed, and living out the undeserved punishment for some crime committed in a past life.

I find myself crying in bathrooms more often. Silently sobbing where no one can see. Not oceans or anything, just quick bouts of it to simply get some ability to breath. What is scary, however, is that I find my thoughts turning violent in an urge to give me something to set myself off. Thinking about cutting just to start the release and get all of this cancer out of me.

One thing that is depressing though, despite the progress I've made, while the self destructive tendencies have abated, the thoughts remain omnipresent.

Confrontations

Well I had an interesting weekend. I spent Saturday evening at a symphony, being a very out lesbian/pan-girl in a church with numerous older folk. The stares and gawks were enjoyable for once. I'm not sure why we felt we could be out, I suppose it was defiance more than anything. Very enjoyable none the less. Sunday was less so, while I got to see an old sister of mine, I was apparently read by my girlfriend's father.

Troubling news. It was the first time I've really been read in a while by someone, and I haven't any idea what it was that gave me away. Needless to say I didn't take it well. I had believed myself rather successful in passing to the people I was meeting, and having that confidence shattered didn't exactly sit well.

This morning, things got even worse. I managed to announce my unreciprocated feelings for my girlfriend, leaving me feeling even more vulnerable and depressed. Follow this up with my normal round of electrolysis inspired self loathing and you get my concoction for a shitty day. I did talk to the girlfriend a bit, but the overall feelings of dread, and negativity are persistent throughout.

Too Random for Something Real

In light of recent developments, I am somewhat relieved. I've been seeing someone, and it is refreshing to know that the apathy (emotionally and physically) that plagued me in my last relationship is gone. I don't feel forced to be affectionate, and it brings me genuine joy and happiness to express it. Something I haven't experienced in a long time.

It is fleeting though, I know that come the fall, when ze moves away, this relationship will end. Looking at things overall, it does seem pretty random, and illogical for us to work as an item.

I find myself regressing at times. Still. Old habits are coming back, and I don't care for them. While some are just small things that affect the way I am perceived, others are old demons that are still puttering around in me.

It is a strange time, I feel there is this reservoir of held back negativity that I'm not addressing, but, here, and now, with hir, I simply don't want, or have to deal with it. I can just forget about everything and live in the moment. What I'm going to do when ze leaves...I've yet to figure out.

Still Looking

Thank god the semester is basically over. Aside from an exam and presentation I'm free and clear. Aside from the stress, I'm just tired of being in the closet in my classes. While I did receive some distressing reports from fellow trans people who have been outed, I only have one semester left and I just don't care. I said long ago I wasn't going to let this control my life, and its about time I started living up to that oath.

I still haven't found a place to live, so that is still something I need to figure out over the summer. I'm so ready to finish school, I've been going for about 20 years now, and the urge to be independent and supporting myself is pretty strong.

I'm still looking for my voice though, my guitar is still somewhat muffled, and I'm struggling to come up with a unique sound to it. Its frustrating to hear what I play, and just hear the generic sound and tone of it. I still have my dreams, but it now seems more distant than ever.

Romantically the situation is similar, I've been struggling with feeling desired. While I enjoy being involved with someone, I'm looking to feel desired, which, while I've felt it before, seems also distant and...unobtainable. I know it is foolish to seek physical validation in the desire of others, right now, reinforcement of my attractiveness is what I'm needing most of all.