A Justifiable Ache

Everywhere I look I see death and horror. I check the news and see nothing but rape, murder, intolerance, "justifiable homicide". There, is an abundant amount of negative energy being pushed at me. Ejaculated onto me by the cosmic rapist that is my fate. I ache. My eyes hurt from weeping, my head aches from the weariness. I have just basic amounts of energy to do anything.

I look to people, and only find myself unwanted and pushed away. I apparently require too much time, or too much energy to be around. I am too much of a burden to people, my issues are too much to adapt or navigate around, though, I can photocopy a map of them for you.

People, move on, they live their lives, they lie, to me, and to themselves.

I am amused by how skittish and frightened my strength is. It is a lie, a mask, that I put on when I pretend to be someone I'm not. I wear it because being honest with people is too painful. Being honest with myself, is too painful. Letting people close to me has only resulted in people hurting me. Even when I try and negotiate, they hurt out of neglect, indifference, and ignorance.

I reason it away. Oh well of course, This person has this going on, that takes priority. That person is dealing with this right now, so that explains this. Another person is doing this other thing, so don't expect much, but this person had this happen, so it makes sense that this might happen.

Everyone has a reason, an explanation, it all makes sense. Hurting someone is justifiable when they mean nothing to you. But hey, simply say you're sorry and everything is alright. Right as rain. Reign over me. April showers bring may flowers, yet, it is June now and I still don't have an umbrella.

I have endless reasons to leave, yet I can't find the motivation to rip out a kidney. Do I keep it, letting it poison me in the hopes it will heal one day. Or do I remove it, and go on forever damaged and impaired. Memories are a comfort, but, regret is not.

Rambling

So, this one will be  a bit scatterbrained so, take it as you will.

I'm feeling very alone recently. I've been more social and been with more people than usual, but it still feels vacant. I'm not sure if it has to do with not seeing my partner, or just a really shitty weekend, but it definitely feels hollow.

Not that it is anyone's fault, however. People have been very nice, sweet, supportive, and great friends, it's just...nothing feels fulfilling, so to speak. There is always something lacking.

I feel myself slipping again. I know I'm still recovering from my last bad trip, but it is getting harder to turn off that mindset. I have to actively work to not fall into depression, and I don't want to go back down there as right now I don't think I'd be able to get out for a few weeks or months.

I'm trying very hard to not focus on the bad, but, it just seems to be piling up to a point of breaking me. The armistice I have with my body is growing more tense and I feeling the twinge of self mutilation flaring up again. I feel that electric infuriation building in my arms.

It's funny, my grandfather was an electrician, and he always described electricity as a daemon always waiting to get out if you give it any change to. I find the metaphor strikingly suiting for my purposes here in reference to the energy that my anger and wrath are building inside me.

I find myself searching for and being drawn to strong female influences in the wake of my partners absence. I keep wishing I could cherry pick different aspects from people and combine them into someone who does everything right. I understand this...is silly. That no one will ever meet what I'm wanting, and that it is childish to continue to want it.

Everything feels muted, I feel weak, and I find myself being overwhelmed.

Being Shredded

I have a very narrow sense of self. Last night, while undergoing a pretty horrible bad trip, I became unraveled. I couldn't remember what I looked like anymore, and anytime I did, all I saw were caricatures of myself. Pictures of me as a child, toon-ified version, older versions of me from my adolescence. None however, were post transition.

I couldn't shake the feeling that I was being seen threw. The normal barriers of confidence and security that I have in place around myself were gone. It felt very much like I had detransitioned, and was extremely noticeable. I felt ugly, hideous, false, lied to, insecure,deformed, disfigured, and monstrous.
There is a reason I don't, or can't, handle a lack of control over my body. My sense of self is so entirely dependent on my post-transition identity, that without it I fall apart. I have disassociated with my past so much that I don't even recognize it as part of myself anymore. Without who I am now, I'm left without knowing who or what I am, and in complete horror.

There, is another issue, as well. As I find myself more involved in sexual activity, I find my dysphoria is increasing as well. Generally, if I don't have to see myself, then I can enjoy things. I am noticing however that I'm beginning to box myself in with comparisons. Seeing other people is now starting to simply remind me, so that I can't enjoy just being with someone without feeling the self loathing that comes.

As a quick aside, it isn't a loathing for who I am as a person, it is a loathing for my situation, my body, and my general hatred of said body. I completely, and utterly loath that I have to debate issues like pools, hottubs, and just the ability to be intimate with people.


By and large my situation has improved to the point that my mental and emotional state is now being dragged down and hindered by my body and dysphoria. While that is a worthy accomplishment, and I'm glad I've progressed to said point, having my body now re-emphasize the things I hate about it is crippling my mentality and stabbing me in the spine. It is hobbling my emotional progress and actively destroying who I am, and who I've defined myself to be.

I don't suppose anyone has 20 grand to spare do they?

Dear Self, 3 months Later

Dear Self,

It's been three months, have you learned nothing? Here you are again, puffing yourself up, pretending to be this big strong person that we both know you can be. You don't, normally take shit from people. I'm not sure why you think simply because you were/are in love with someone that it was alright to take it from hir.

You have got to stop being the little puppy that gets kicked around and asks for more. That isn't the type of person you are, and it is beneath you. You've stood up to worse, and you've fought back against bigger.

I understand. As Chris said, it is a lightning bolt, that...jars your systems. It was the first time, and that is rightfully going to mean things for you. Unfortunately that meaning isn't shared, and while it may be painful to deal with, it is no less the truth. I understand the flood of new chemicals, new emotions, and new feelings that were unleashed. It is normal to not know how to handle things. It is normal to be afraid of it, to be unsure of it, and to worry about what it means.

I understand how frightening it is to have your defenses shredded in an instant because of how someone looks at you. The intensity, and vulnerability of that.

But YOU must understand that, it is not unique. Simply because this is the first experience for you, doesn't mean it is the last, or that it won't happen again.

I know you're at the paramount, that as long as you can maintain that will to resist, you will be alright. Rest assured it is not, your fault, or because of anything about you or what you did. You don't need to regret, and you don't need to apologize.

You have an amazing ability for compassion, but often you let this overrun your self preservation. You want to make partners happy, to give them pleasure. You do this to the detriment of your own emotional health and needs. It isn't that you need to be with this person, you just want to be giving and sweet, even if that means your own destruction.

In the words of one of your favorite songs, "I wouldn't self destruct for anybody else".

It makes a pretty verse, but it is no way to live your life.

Lastly, I know you are afraid, I'm afraid also. But, as they say, life starts at 30. You've got plenty of time to enjoy life, and plenty of time to meet new people. Don't be afraid of wasting your youth, or your looks. Enjoy them, cherish them. You will always have them, just in different forms. You've always been one of grace. Aging will continue that grace. You know what you don't want to be, and you won't be that.

Concerns & Consolidations

I wrote these four entries over on a different site, but wanted to move them here. They revolve around things that have been on my mind, concerns and feelings of frustration.

Ageing & Materialism. April 24, 2012

I'm old. I'm getting older. I'm not young anymore. By and large, I find myself being stressed out by my self-imposed sense of progress. I'm nearly 27, I should have done so much more by now.

I feel like I should be paying a mortgage, instead of paying rent.

I feel like I should paying a car note, instead of neglecting car repairs.

I feel like I should be recovering from surgery, instead of planning for it still.

There is just, so much I expected to have done by now, so much I want to have already. I'm tired. I'm tired of sleeping in tiny rooms, with tiny accommodations in shitty neighborhoods. I'm tired of eating top ramen, and constantly being worried about finances.

I'm getting to that point where, I want to settle down. I have moved, literally every 9 months, for the past 8 years. I am tired of it. I'm tired of new carpet. I'm tired of not buying heavy things because of the hassle of moving them (air mattress anyone?).Which, gets me to the next part. I want to get married. I want to settle down with someone (not necessarily monogamously) and start a life together. I have wonderful friends, and a wonderful partner, but, what I want, is not going to happen, in my life as it is.

I would not, opt for things over people, ever.

But I am starting to feel my age.

Fears and Rape play. April 18th, 2012

Here is an honest list of things I'm afraid of:

Being ugly:
Being mutilated, limb amputations, breast cancer/masectomys,
disfigurement or burnings. It isn't a fear of the pain or the
inconvenience, though the lack of freedom is a part, it is the aspect of
being ugly that horrifies me.

I find my genitals ugly. The mere idea of being tied up and displayed naked to a large group of people almost brings me to tears. It isn't that I think people will laugh or make fun, (at least not in this crowd) but more it is something I have so much animosity, hatred, and shame for that displaying it, brings out the worst of my gender dysphoria.

Rape:
Being raped, but more so, I'm afraid that I'll enjoy it. I have had many dear friends and partners who are victims of sexual abuse/rape. I fear that I believe on some level being raped is validation of my gender, and thus I on some level seek it out. I'm afraid that people will judge me for that, and that it will trivialize the fucking awful experiences of
my close friends and they will resent, hate me for it, justifiably in my opinion.

On some level I have this bullshit belief that it is a right of passage. Like somehow, by being victimized, I get my Cunt card and a formal letter saying I've had a hard life. I do NOT believe that this is what other people do, or have done. This is just a look at how I believe my perceptions/thoughts are being motivated.

Being Homeless:
It plays into the other two, the fear of having to prostitute myself to make ends meet, or of being stuck on the street, being unable to transition or have the inner peace that HRT gives me. A lot of this ties into regressing.

Of Regressing:
I have a great and stuttering fear of regression, or degression to pre-transition. It ties into to feeling ugly and unwanted. The idea of returning to that hideous form is not appealing to me. I did not fit in that body, it was in a very real sense, not mine. I fear what it would do to me emotionally to regress. The one taste I have had of it, was...shocking.

Of invalidation:
This one is out there, but, I fear being invalidated as a woman. That, somehow or another I'm just a gay man who can't handle the homophobia. The idea that underneath all of this, I'm male, is ..horrifying. It makes me cringe.

I don't feel that way, as I am secure in who I am, and my gender identity, but it is another reason why the abuse I have had, tends to hurt more. The calling a transgirl a man insult is an easy one for enemies to pick up, and it unfortunately hits on this fear. It is just a strange fear that, some scientist or whoever will develop a method of fixing trans people, that we are all just a chemical inbalance and when switched off, we will suddenly go "oh hey, that's right, I'm a dude", rather than having our physicality be our problem.

Anyway.

I wanted to put these out there in a large sense to both talk about them, and to get them out of me. To put them in text so that I can see them, discuss them, and move on from them. You'll notice a common theme around validation of my gender, which shouldn't be surprising.


Solitary, in and un to myself. April 16th, 2012

So, Friday, a comment was made that has been churning around in my brain for the better part of 2-3 days now.

The summary, was that I'd rather be with a someone I found creepy, than be alone.

This is a, common, statement I hear. The general idea that I'm terrified of being alone, or that I can't handle being alone. That I lower my standards or allow myself to be in unpleasant circumstances if it means an end to loneliness.

Aside from talking about it, I'm not sure what else I can do to dissuade people of this opinion. So, here is that attempt.

My default, normal mood and behavior is that of being alone. I spent a great deal of time in my childhood/teenage learning to be isolated, pushing people away, keeping people at a distance, never letting myself get too close to people, lest they find out my secrets and ostracize me for it. For a very long time I suffered from social anxiety disorder. I still get it sometimes in regards to phone calls and calling people I haven't spoken with before on the phone.

While this is secure, it is quite boring, and emotionallyfrustrating. That said, I can and do fall back into this state relatively easily. I am an introvert, being around large groups of people extracts energy from me, and drains me. Especially in the kink scene, I'm constantly surrounded by things that push my emotional boundaries in regards to gender dysmorphia, isolation, jealousy, intimacy, confidence, and even love. (Ask me how often I notice I'm the only trans person in a room).

All of these things I do, because I want to, I do them because sitting at home, in my room, is a wasted life. I put myself out there not because I'm afraid of being alone, but  \because I'm tired of it, because pushing myself is the only way I got where I am, and the only way I will get where I want to be. Despite the energy it takes, the vulnerability (that I hate) on my end for rejection (and there has been a lot of it), the lack of security, and sometimes
disregard for my personal safety.

I enjoy people, talking, meeting, discussing, debating, exchanging energy via communication or physical touch, there is an electricity in that, that I find rewarding.

The Importance of Definitions, April 8, 2012

I place a great deal of importance on definitions and what they mean. My expectations for relationships is entirely dependent on the type of relationship. I place very little requirements on my friends, showing interest or contact once a month or so is fine unless

I've known them forever in which case it is unnecessary.

I place a much greater requirements on my partners, as they are well, my partners. They are those I hold nothing from, and expect little judgment form. I don't enter into these relationships lightly, as it requires a lot of vulnerability and giving up of power on my end.

These types of relationships are inherently more important me, and often thus more stressful as they can bring out more insecurities.

What I expect from my partners is balance, and equality. I don't expect from them anything I am not willing to give in return. I can't force anyone to care for me as much as I care for them, but I can distance myself to a point where I feel I am not vulnerable or taken advantage of.

I feel that is where the current situation takes me, I don't feel it is fair, or justified, but it seems far past the point where anything I say or do will have any affect.

I think the worst part of it all however, is the self replicating issues that started the whole process. It feels very much like someone pissing you off, and then saying you have anger problems because you're pissed off. So you take some time away, come back refreshed and normal, yet people are still distant due to your anger problems from before.

This will mark a trend in unbalanced relationships.

On finding Balance *updated*

*Updated to reflect this past weekend*

I love balance, I love harmony, and how things synergize when they flow together. That may just be my cancer roots, but having things feel balanced is very cathartic and enjoyable for me.

That isn't to say life isn't stressful, or annoying, or frustrating. But, when things are harmonious it seems so incredibly manageable. That is how things feel now, I think my partner and I we have found a nice balance (this past weekend withstanding) in our relationship in the amount of time we contribute and extract out of each other.

There are still things I desire out of our situation, but, the obsession and desperation is gone, thankfully. I still want to be collared, and have that intense D/S relationship aspect that we don't really have at the moment. We at the moment have a very limited sexual relationship, and as I grow more comfortable with myself, around hir, I'm wanting that experience and emotional engagement. I'm not pressured on this however, though when I tell other people that near 5 months into this relationship, that we still haven't slept together (or whatever kink fuck term you would like), most seem pretty astonished by it.

Some of this, I feel, is in my inexperience as a sub, and knowing how to instigate, inspire, and be assertive, without feeling an incongruence (lack of harmony, to stick with our theme from today) in that identity and the power I give. I often feel like it is out of place or line to pounce, or instigate things. It is something I'm learning to adapt around, but albeit slowly.

This is a great relief to me in the face of ongoing financial and healthcare stressors. I find myself being pulled beyond my means, and without a great deal of answers. Do I not go to the doctor, or do I simply not pay off my debt? It isn't that I can't pay my bills, I can, it is just that the means and ability to do so, is very thin.

I manage this largely out of neglect for other things. My car, for one, is an unabashed orgy of illegality at the moment. I have neither the funds to fix these things, or to maintain it. While this works, now, it isn't sustainable, and it isn't smart. Yet, until I find other options, what choice do I have.

On this past weekend, my partner and I spent the better part of 48 hours together, and as of now, I feel a bit oversaturated and drained. This is the first time I have felt as such, and don't want to attribute it to hir, but more the activities we were doing (video games and being silly). It isn't that I don't enjoy those things, but just that I need variety/pauses between endless tirades of World of Warcraft.

It may also be a partial response to the lack of romance and affection over the course of the weekend. Not that I was expecting anything in particular, but the affection energizes me and my involvement in the relationship. In this instance, we were both very casual and silly, which brings us closer together, but not necessarily in a romantic way. Which may explain the draining feeling after everything.

For example, when I think about say, going out with hir today, I hesitate, feeling like I just don't have the energy, where as normally I jump at the chance. 

reintroductions

Things are turbulent. It seems from one crises to another. Though my relationship is definitely in better positions than it was, there still feels like something is unresolved. Perhaps it is my paranoid just prodding me, but I don't want to leave things unsettled simply to pop up again later.

A few weeks ago I went on an adventure to alter my hormone treatments into something more manageable. This turned into a nightmare of poor choices and wasted money. I opted to try patches as they were the least invasive, and supposedly also easy on the liver. Unfortunately they do not come in the the high dosages that I'm on, and so I've been slowly dealing with my decline in estrogen levels. This was tolerable until a point where I began to feel similar to how I felt pre-transition.

I wrote about it on another site, but essentially my sex drive returned in force. Not that the desire is in itself bad, but how I deal with it and how I deal with the urges are different things. I've only recently (past year or so) began to learn to tolerate and accept my sexuality. Prior to hormones, the biological need to get off often put me at ends with how I felt, and my body dysmorphia. It often ruined my ability to be around people, I couldn't simply enjoy the company of someone regardless of if we were intimate or not.

I felt this again this past weekend, I grew agitated, frustrated, and down right annoyed at my partner because we weren't getting each other off. This is a stark contrast to how things have always been between us, in which I enjoy everything we do to each other, and there is no outright need to do anything if we don't want to.

This was terribly disturbing to me. Being pushed to a state of anger at someone I love because of a bullshit hormonal discrepancy fucking with my desires and moods. I feel it is unfair and akin to brainwashing, it is dishonest, and a cruel trick. It puts a noise and fuzz over one's thoughts and actions, akin to having voices constantly speaking to you in your head about what you want to do, how you feel, torturing you with small subtle suggestions : you would be fucking if you were really in love, you don't really feel that way, you two aren't physical because ze is bored/tired/annoyed/angry at  you.

It goes on and on. I know these things aren't true, but to have them thrown into your mind like that is quite disturbing and fucked up.

This climaxed on a tear filled drive home, peaked by wishful thoughts of car accidents. I came very close to cutting once again, but restrained myself and collapsed in an uncontrollable fit of hysterical crying for about 3 hours.

I have sense switched back to my original method and dosages in an attempt to fix the problems. Already my mental state has returned to something much more manageable. I can think clearly, and without interference again. Hopefully I can find another source of my medication to last me until I can see my doctor again.